This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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All I really want is a date who wants to play couch co-op games, eat pancakes, and watch movies with.
Ahh oh well. The search continues!
Well, I did it! I completed my first ever speed dating event last night. It was my first attempt made at putting myself back out there since breaking up with my ex of 2.5 years in January. Since yesterday I promised a report, overall I’d say it went….okay
I mentioned this in yesterdays post, but I felt like I was sort of going into it at a disadvantage. I shouldn’t have agreed to work a night shift Monday night (even if it was for double time) leading into the event since I woke up still tired….My mistake lol It also didn’t help that I was hopped up on DayQuil since I ended up getting sick on Friday (my typical luck) and remained not feeling well all through the weekend. Safe to say I don’t think I went into the event in the right mood or headspace at first…especially when you factor in the natural nervousness on top of everything else.
As I walked into the brewery to sign in, I noticed one of the male speed daters brought his golden retriever puppy with him to the event…honestly it was clever and sorta cheating at the same time but fair play to that guy lol I also may have played with the puppy for a little bit just to calm the nerves which did help.
So, I have to admit, I don’t fit the average persons type. I’m 6’6, 270lbs, I’m covered in tattoos including hands, head etc, and I can come across as intimidating. Therefore, I can usually tell when a group of people and me will probably not mesh well. A lot of the female participants seemed…upper class if that makes sense. As in, they’d probably prefer a guy in a nice polo shirt who golf’s and owns a boat. I am not that haha. However, I will say that I’m proud of myself because I at least put myself out there and I talked to everyone without hesitation or awkward pauses and the conversations usually flowed until the final bell.
Overall, my goal was to take myself out of my comfort zone and practice what it’s like to be going on dates again. If I judge the evening on that alone, then I succeeded. Do I expect or realistically think I got any matches….probably not lol However that’s okay because I proved to myself I can do this. And I got to pet a dog which is always nice.
My GF recently found out that the company she works at is getting bought out. She is likely to have a significant windfall from stock options and such, and a salary increase if she decides to stay with the new parent company.
Meaning, she would be making significantly more than me in that future state, even though I’m also a decent earner (well into six figures) in a HCOL area.
Cue the typical male insecurities, admittedly. Would appreciate perspectives from those who are in such relationships, as we have been having previous conversations about the future regarding marriage, buying a house and planning for a family. And I’m definitely feeling the anxiety of our dynamic potentially changing as a result of this news.
During our conversations about the news, I have told her to look out for herself and get the best deal she can. I get that times are changing, but a large majority of societal perception still defaults to men being providers and the level of respect afforded as such can change when the status quo shifts. Even if subconsciously, we are all affected to some extent by that societal norm I feel.
Thanks!
Just journaling entirely too much and every single thought, don’t mind me. I will soon have nothing to post here for a while so ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Between the days of silence and the dumping last night, I’ve been wracking my brain and being honest with myself about what wasn’t right or could’ve gone differently. I grapple with the thought that I wouldn’t have wanted to NOT be with him (or at least, I was very willing to work on it) for any of those reasons 🙁 but also accepting that someone can be great just not great for me. I so didn’t want this to be another one of those brief relationships where I “learn” something for the next one, but I have no choice but to use it as growth and reflected on some things:
He inspired me to be better in the gym and pursue more hobbies. I was falling off really bad with my fitness before I met him, but now I’m on point and I learned how to truly push myself to the next level. And to hold my gym community dear to my heart. And I wanted to have more of my own things going on so I pursued belly dancing which is helping me in many ways. Hell, with my dead appetite, I even lost 6 pounds in the past week! 🥲 (I’m not skinny so it’s okay)
He showed me that I can be desirable to well-adjusted men with good things going on in their life (this was certainly him when we met). That I can have someone that I’m attracted to both physically and personality. Most of my life I thought I wasn’t good/attractive enough to have both.
I’m absolutely dead’ing the concept of “needy”. If my needs are too much, we’re just not compatible. I think we both failed to communicate our needs and flailed our arms like stressed tube men in secret instead. And it just led to tensions building without healthy communication and resolution. This was our biggest mistake. Even at the very end, I straight up asked what he needed and how I can support but he was over it ig. He even apologized for his poor communication in his dumping text.
As much as I did/do adore him as a person, I think at some point I was romanticizing the relationship too much and failing to recognize the strain some aspects of our relationship could be putting on him. He didn’t see me as someone he could reach out to for support and clearly wasn’t comfortable being fully honest.
Despite our closeness and affection in person, I never reached a point where I was comfortable with calling him whenever or asking him to do things with me (not to say I never did, but early on, and even just a week ago, most things I tried to propose usually didn’t work out. He had to initiate most of the time since his schedule was more unpredictable, but I wonder if he had an issue with that still…). A basic sense of relationship security still wasn’t there after 4 months. Which I know isn’t long but long enough for the simple things I mentioned..
Not sharing my love life with people ever again 🙂
Slowly becoming more and more convinced that dating as functional, established adults with separate lives will almost never lead to anything long term. It’s just too much going on. Always or eventually. But still, as the old adage goes “it only takes one” for everything to fall into place…
After my last relationship before him, I probably took a little too much time to myself which was a mistake. A few years. I am too old to do that again, if I actually want to find love. Not jumping on apps right away or anything, but I’m determined to have my date for the fall festivals :’)
you should be instantly able to report someone for not showing their face AT ALL on dating apps. its so fucking stupid. How do you expect people to match with you if we cant even tell what you look like??
I feel like a lot of what is posted on here is negative or critical, which I get, been there. But I wanted to post something positive.
I went out with/talked to a guy for 5 weeks and it was honestly the most transformative and positive experience I’ve had dating.
Long story short, on the second date I was triggered because I felt he was moving too fast physically, then I sort of read way into the communication after and made a lot of assumptions in my mind. Then I sent him a message saying I didn’t see a good fit. He actually responded and asked me questions, we went back and forth a few times, but ended it where he wished me good luck. I thought about it for a few days and really felt a lot of regret over making so many assumptions and not being more open/communicative. I sent him a sort of olive branch message asking for another chance, which led to another meet up discussion/date where we were more open about what happened etc. We met up again for a 4th time, but decided that it maybe wasn’t the best timing for both of us because after this week we probably wouldn’t be able to see each other for a month or so, so we left that bridge in tact—maybe it will lead to something in the future, maybe not.
But I will forever be grateful to him and the experience because it reminded and taught me 1. there are wonderful people out there if you give them a chance 2. opening up and communicating is scary but necessary 3. tactfully advocating needs is healthy and allows you to figure out if there would be compatibility or not (he even said to me, you know you can ask for what you need)
This whole experience made me realize that the way I was approaching dating was setting me up for failure and disappointment. Now as I go forth, I have decided that I will continue to be intentional but focus on connections, and not on any specific outcome because we can’t control what the future holds or how others act, and that I will go in with a more open heart and open mind, being better about communicating and asking questions.
He is a kind soul, and if it never works out for us, I truly hope he finds someone wonderful.
Day 3 on my story.
Him 38M, me 32F, FWB
Yesterday we talked a little because i sent him something funny.
The conversation ended with me asking something.
Then he stopped responding, but appeared online (whatsapp). I just went to sleep and this morning he responded with “i fell asleep” and i just reacted.
Im thinking about ignoring him, to which i know i wont last more than 2 days.
I know the answer guys, he is no longer interested. I should move on.
I just need to talk it out.
He was a real good fuck.
And I dont want to start all over again with someone else, he got the looks, and all that i like… and he was ok with FWBing.
Crap. Shit.
I hate this.
Im moving on.
I kept all night thinking on stuff to talk to him, to get an answer, but they all sounded needy. I guess ill just text him when i want to get laid and if he agrees ill be happy with that…
Oh man.
It’s such a good feeling when you get over someone! What a relief!
People that immediately start complimenting my appearance give me such an ick. It’s happened frequently the past two days and I’m just over it. If you meet me in person, you’re welcome to say something like, “That dress is beautiful” or that I look beautiful, that’s fine. But, online? It just screams, “I want to get in your pants” and I’m turned off.
Going to take a much needed break from dating after I officially got rejected yesterday. Person I was confused about but really into finally communicated with me honestly and told me she is becoming exclusive with someone else. I feel upset because she made it seem like we were building something serious but when she sent the text she said “Hey just wanted to let you know I’m going to start seeing someone exclusively. Best of luck in the dating field, though I know you’re not in any hurry to settle down haha” and it just felt a bit cold and like I shouldn’t be upset at all, when she knew how into her I was and talked with me about all these things she wanted us to do together the last time we met. In retrospect I think she really would only hang out with me if the other guy wasn’t and I was just a backup.
I don’t know if it would make me feel any better but it would be nice if she said something positive about me or the time we spent together. But I know she’s just trying to cut things off as cleanly as possible and is excited about moving forward with the other guy.
I think I tried my best and maybe the lesson here is to not pursue people who are being flaky / hot and cold the entire time with hopes that they’ll come around if we spend enough time together.
Have a second date with a guy tomorrow after work. First date was on Sunday and we kissed, but I also had a bit too much to drink that day. Will see how it goes. We don’t text much which suits me fine, just a check in once or twice a day.
Am I making a mistake pursuing this international fling?
I feel like I need some sort of reality check so appreciate anyone who has the time to give any insight!
I’ve been in Greece for two weeks (working remotely) and met a local guy my first night here. My friend and I were out at a wine bar where we befriended the bartender. He then took us to a local bar where we met a bunch of his friends, including my guy who is also a waiter. We hooked up that first night and I figured that it would just be a fun one night thing, but he continued to ask me out every day until I finally had free time five days later.
Since then, we’ve spent every moment we’re not working together. He’s very sweet, smart, and funny. He’s taken me out to the beach, to many meals and drinks, and he always pays for everything. I’ve met many of his friends and he’s not shy about telling them I’m his girlfriend. He’s begged me to extend my trip, which I’m not going to because I’m meeting friends. But he’s also begged me to come back, which I’m considering because my planned travels end in two weeks and then I have another two weeks free before I have to return home to the US. And this is where I’m paranoid that I’d be making a mistake.
I’ve been in some really terrible relationships where I’ve been lied to, cheated on, etc so I know I’m overly on guard. I tend to approach any relationship with heavy suspicion and there’s a paranoid part of me that wonders if he’s trying to use me somehow. He asked me to be his girlfriend after only a couple days, which I agreed to by joking that he’s my “Greece boyfriend.” The “relationship” seems so impractical but he’s so quick to dive right in. He says he feels so different about me than he has for anyone before… in the US, I’d think he was a total lovebomber honestly. And there been some situations where I’ve felt like he’s contradicted himself, but they’ve all been explainable by the language barrier…
I’m rambling, but my view on the whole thing is that I like spending time with him and another two weeks together would be fun. Is there a risk I’m missing? Could he be using me? Or am I just paranoid to the point of being dead inside? This is the first time I’ve gotten anywhere near serious with someone since my abusive relationship ended over a year ago and I can’t tell if my fears are founded or if I’m just freaking myself out.
For reference We are both about 30
Very excited to spend another weekend with my long distance situationship. Curious if we’ll end up talking about where this might be going. Been playing it over in my brain how that might go. But trying not to overthink. Regardless, I’m about to take a tropical vacation with a guy I’m wildly attracted to and I’m gd elated.
I was walking my dog this morning, a bit frantic cause of all the stuff going on at work so while walking my dog I was deep engrossed in my phone. Saw a guy and dog nearby and my dog approached the other dog cautiously. The guy said hi to me and we proceeded to have a convo that lasted a few minutes. I thought he was pretty cute but my mind was elsewhere so I was in a rush to get back to do work. He seemed to have wanted to continue the conversation. After I got back home I realized this could have been a good opportunity to ask him out or just continue the conversation to see where it could’ve gone. Instead my mind was too occupied. I complain about the dating apps yet in real life I do this.
Went grocery shopping another morning and saw another cute guy making prolonged eye contact. Could’ve smiled, said hi, even approached but noooo. What’s wrong with me SMH!!!
I invited a woman out for ice cream on Friday and she suggested that it be in a walkable area. I also have suggested walks on dates so I was totally down and I found a walk up ice cream shop right next to a park in her area.
She loved the idea and thanked me for making plans. I’m definitely excited to meet her! Now I’m just crossing my fingers that it doesn’t rain that evening.
Decision paralysis
So my first date out of a divorce has been wonderful and checks a lot of boxes for me. I have went on about 5 other dates with different people and the first is the best. I like them and feel like it’s to nieve that a person could be that lucky.
I still want to meet others to feel more confident going foward. But I don’t want to do that if it causes a loss of this person with so many green flags.
It’s been a little over 2 months.
Looking for insights from others here.
Did I make a huge mistake?
What if he and his ex are really good friends and there is nothing romantic between them?
What if nothing happened between them when she came to visit and they both went camping?
What if he really just went to her house to watch the movie and didn’t respond to my messages because he felt I was angry at him and was giving me space?
Did I let my fear of being cheated on again ruin a possibly good thing, or am I just processing the break-up?
Those of you who had a broken picker, but then fixed it, how did you fix it?
I’m very sad.
I’m disappointed in myself for engaging in communication that only breaks my heart all over again. I’m disappointed in his entire family for how immature they all are even as adults. And I’m disappointed in him for continuing the cycle.
Better to have loved and lost, my ass. I would rather not have known that kind of love than to have to just live without it now.
As always relationships for me are up and down! Finally found something that is not perfect about my man after he stopped initiating sex for a while. He was getting himself off too often alone because he was stressed. I saw an email from tik Tok of all things that had one of those bikini porn models and we had a whole discovery where he admitted he had been looking at that stuff lately.
I have a boundary regarding individual women and lusting over them. Porn between two people? Go wild. Getting off to “models” that plaster their bodies on social media? That’s a big no for me.
I’m monogamous to the extent where I don’t really get aroused by anyone but the person I am in love with. He had told me he was the same but it looks like that wasn’t totally true. He did tell me he felt shame over it and we’ve been working through all of that. He’s getting therapy soon as well but I told him if he needs variety to get off when I’m here and willing to do things that turn him on and experiment and throw myself at him (I’m not unattractive either btw) then he can go ahead and be single.
I’m sick of men that prefer fantasy. I know my value and I expect my partner to know it too or they don’t get to be with me. I know HIS value as well. I want him to want me but also I want him to be happy and if variety and girls who don’t look like me make him happy then he can have them.
Anyway… We’ve been talking a lot since then and he’s made a lot of changes. He sees how much it hurt me and is really making efforts to show me I’m what he wants. And I’m making efforts to not take it personally that he was seeking out these women. So long as he doesn’t cross that boundary again and respects me it’ll be fine.
I obviously know people are going to be attracted to others and that’s fine! Heck I find people attractive. But I want a partner who sees the options and chooses me. Chooses to direct that love and lust to me. Like I do him.
He asked me to be his girlfriend last night and I panic-said no, let’s wait till next month, and now I’m kicking myself because I have no reason to say no, except that I was taken off guard. I’m so dumb sometimes. I’m going to try to talk to him today and let him know I do want to be his girlfriend, and hope I don’t look like an idiot.
I’m on family vacation and won’t get to see my guy for close to two weeks (since last week Monday) because our respective vacations overlap. Planned a phone call last night so we could catch up. He said it was the highlight of his day 🥰
He is very much raising the bar of human decency and how I expect to be treated in a relationship. All green flags 😊
I’ve decided to stop sharing my dating life updates/news with an older female friend. There are a few reasons. Every time I mention I’m talking to someone, she asks to see a pic and is very judgemental about the pic! Asks about the guys education. She thinks i should only be dating guys who have a similar education level as I do but honestly a degree doesnt mean much these days in terms of intelligence.I feel kind of bad as I’m sure she means well but perhaps she sees herself in a motherly role? Both of my parents are dead and she is 15 years older than me. She is very blunt about men’s looks which I find odd and kind of tiring as a static image does not give much of an idea of a person and I feel like she should listen to my perspective of what the guy is like. Its exhausting and I feel kinda sad about it. Anyone had this from friends?
We’re going on our first trip next weekend! We both share a favorite band and we decided to go see them at the red rocks! I haven’t been on a vacation in years so I’m so excited to do some traveling with him! We’ve been dating for 5 months and I think this we’ll be an excellent test for us!
Trying not to get too much in my head! Last year I re-entered the dating scene after recovering from a break up. I did a bit of casual dating, met a few great women, some of which progressed into short term flings, then settled down into a relationship that lasted about 6 months.
Since that relationship came to an end my dating life has been a real challenge! I have been on dates with 4 women, all said they felt no romantic attraction. Recently my libido has really crashed and I just haven’t managed to meet any new people outside of OLD this year.
In 2023 I felt like an attractive person for the first time in my life. More people were interested in me in that one year alone than my previous 29 years. In 2024 I haven’t had any intimacy in months and am turning 31 in a few days.
The women I have dated this year have paid me compliments and said they enjoyed my company but that elusive spark/romantic connection is nowhere to be found!
Bit worried as my sex drive has reallly fallen off a cliff this year and I am wondering if that’s a factor. Am I just giving off friend vibes at the moment??
Paused the apps again. The last interaction doused whatever ember of hope was still smouldering.
The guy sent me a like, no message. His profile was fine, so I matched to see where it would go. He messaged a day later to ask me about my hobbies. I replied, then asked what he meant by his job description (it was vague). He replied. Nothing for a few hours, and then a random message to compliment one of my photos. I said thanks and followed up to ask him another question. He replied but left me nothing to work with. He then messaged today to tell me he doesn’t want a penpal, he’s serious and then gave me an ultimatum to arrange a meeting or break off contact.
I unmatched. Why is it the ones who claim to be serious can’t carry out one basic conversation? And I’m really not into temper tantrums because of a perceived slight in the messaging phase.
Gym guy just text me asking if i wanted to meet up on Saturday and grab brunch. He also said he’d be hitting the gym before that if I wanted to join him!
I think I’m more excited about the gym date than I am about the brunch date! 😂
But I think Saturday could be a good day! I still have this FWB situation which I haven’t told gym guy about. I mean, we literally haven’t been on one date yet, so I guess I don’t need to. But obviously if things go well, I will break it off with FWB guy.
Anyway. It may not come to anything. But I’m looking forward to Saturday! 😊
After yet another mental blow from getting flaked on and unmatched by someone who asked me out and proposed plans on Hinge, had a little moment yesterday where I decided I’m going to change some things up.
Signed up for a Timeleft dinner in my area to see how it goes and might keep doing that just to meet new people and build a new social circle (not just to date but maybe it could lead there). Also signed up for a local singles night at a barcade that I enjoy through Jigsaw. Bought tickets to a local afternoon party with DJs not far from my place. Just going to get out there as much as I possibly can for a while and try to have fun and socialize without a specific goal in mind.
I have no idea how any of it will go but I suddenly feel extremely committed to reducing my dependence on the apps, that little a-ha moment of realizing I’ve been excessively invested will hopefully lead to better things in the long run (both in terms of my mental health and just general success with dating)
I interviewed for a 100% remote position that an acquaintance recommended at their company. I think the interview went well.
I’m thinking about how this would open up possibilities dating-wise. If I’m 100% remote, I could move away from the godforsaken Midwest and maybe somewhere with men who are looking for people like me. I’m also aware it may not change anything, but the possibility is giving me a bit of hope, at least.
It’s feast or famine.
I have a first date tomorrow.
Another first date on sunday. A second date on monday.
There’s another guy on bumble I’d like to meet, but I don’t know how to fit him into my schedule…
Also I joined another app some days ago, called “blindmate”, where you only put in some photos and very basic info like age, job, what you’re searching for and the rest of the info your friends fill out. It’s also your friends who swipe on the people. 😄 It’s pretty fun actually! Currently I have four people swiping for me and I swipe for one of them, and I already got six matches. Two of them I might wanna meet. But where to fit them in?! xD I should probably tell my friends to stop swiping for the time being, until I’m up to date with my current matches…
That’s alot of new people for me! I hope I can keep up with all the dates!
I’ve (36M) have been with my partner (34F) for about 6 months now! Things seem to be going great but I do have one question — I know this differs from person to person but what expectations do you all have around good night texts?
We don’t live together and often spend a few days during the work week apart. Should I be saying good night every night? Should I be expecting her too? Is that too much?
Don’t know how you all push through being lonely, not feeling like you’re enough, etc. I live in Los Angeles and do very well for myself and can’t get a single person on the apps to like my profile after months of using them. I’ve had professional photos taken, changed dozens of photos, experimented with different prompts, tried all the premium subscriptions. This is ridiculous.
Since this subreddit is a place for “folks nearing or over 30 who are looking for dating advice”, what I’m seeing is a lot of venting. And on top of that, I see a lot of agreement. Rarely do I see actual “advice” given. A lot of it is just someone venting, and then someone consoling them lol. What are you guys doing? If you’re gonna vent, be open to advice. If you’re going to respond, be critical. We’re all strangers, there’s no need to be buddy-buddy. Help each other out with actual advice. I see too many responses that are like “oh yea me too, it’s tough! we’ll get through it!”.
Lol. Sign from the universe?
Still chatting with international man, with possibility of seeing each other again when he returns to the states. Or he’s been nudging at maybe visiting him where he lives most of the year (idk how serious he is about that, but I currently can’t for reasons coming up). Still debating on whether to go on date with guy met in the wild.
Date was supposed to be for drinks. And I lost my fucking id (as well as 2 payment cards). Quite the annoyance, especially when so many payments are meant to be coming out in the next couple days and both cards had to be canceled and am waiting on the bank to mail out the new ones. My passport is also expired :/ so I have no form of photo id right now.
The bank is at least quick-ish, but the dmv… who knows how long it will take to get my replacement id. And I’m late 30s and 50/50 on whether I get carded buying alcohol. Soooooooooo… cancel? Tell guy we’re still on, but I’ll probably have to stay sober because don’t know if I’ll even be able to get anything?