I have two daughters, 5 and 7 (both neurodivergent) from a previous marriage, which was fraught from day one starting well before the wedding.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for a couple of years and started talking about getting married. When the subject of whether or not children would be present, I said that I at least wanted my kids there for the ceremony. She said absolutely no children, that she wanted one day where all of my focus was on just the two of us.
From my perspective, we're joining our family and having my girls there seems natural, and conversely not having them there feels weird and wrong.
From her perspective, she's been through a lot of terrible shit, and having one day that is just about her and our love doesn't seem like a big ask.
For context, my girls love her, and she loves them. She plays with them, engages with their interests, and has helped me navigate some of the rougher patches of co-parenting.
Basically how do I navigate this? Our relationship has been rocky since this disagreement
Edit:
There seems to be a solid consensus, and my initial feelings were on the right line. Not having my kids at my wedding feels wrong, and the responses have all been things I've thought and brought up. I guess there's a conversation I need to have tonight.
30 comments
> that she wanted one day where all of my focus was on just the two of us
Then why invite anybody else at all? lol
You have a right to want your kids at your wedding, this might be a sign of bigger issues to come…
I’m looking at this situation, and thinking that the obvious compromise to me would be: Just make the “special day about just you two” a separate day from the wedding ceremony itself. It could be a honeymoon. It could be the proposal or an engagement party. It could be a much smaller, more intimate wedding party with no kids, on a separate date from the larger one.
It’s not uncommon for people getting married to have more than one “official” ceremony. For instance, I’ve seen couples who had their marriage ceremony take place far away, where travel would be cost-prohibitive to most guests, then to compensate, they host a larger celebration that’s far more accessible to guests closer by.
Postpone the wedding. It’s strange she doesn’t want them there. She is joining your already existent family, the girls should be included and welcomed. My stepdaughters loved being at our wedding. They had special dresses and courages.
Woah. No. Your children are not optional at YOUR wedding.
I’d absolutely never marry someone who didn’t want my kids around.
What is she doing with a dad?? She won’t get better. This is a preview of what your marriage will be like
She is marrying someone with kids. Even the wedding day is not about “just the two” of you. It’s about ALL of you now. Not including your children in or even at your wedding would be a red flag for me.
If you are not the primary parent, you can go on a honeymoon without kids, that will be your special time alone that you can make about her. But excluding your children from your own wedding is just not right. If she’s so fed up with your kids already, you shouldn’t get married.
How would having your kids there take the attention away? Would she say the same thing if these were her biological kids?
I can’t believe you’re even entertaining this. Just know if you do decide to not have them there, your relationship with your kids won’t be the same and I’m sure your entire family will be side eyeing your fiance.
You are absolutely right that your girls should be there. You are joining together as a family and if your fiancee sees your daughters as separate from you as in not her family you shouldn’t be marrying her.
She loves them until she has her own bio kids. Don’t trust her love. She’s already showing her true colours. Don’t marry someone who is excluding your kids.
Dude this is weird. Even childfree weddings include their own kids. Neurodivergence doesn’t mean they can’t behave. If anything I’d say they should be at the ceremony and not the reception.
Some people suggested having a small celebration with just them first. I think that could work maybe…I’d suggest going to a marriage counselor or just not getting married.
I don’t know, do you value this woman over your kids? If so, please give up your parental rights. If not, please don’t marry this woman.
Wait until she has her first baby then see how much she loves your daughters
I think having the kids at the ceremony, with someone who is dedicated to looking after them, is fair.
No kid wants to go to a reception. They’re loud and there aren’t any chicken nuggies. Hell, that’s why I don’t want to go to receptions half the time lol
>She said absolutely no children, that she wanted one day where all of my focus was on just the two of us
That’s called the honeymoon. When she dated you, she knew kids were part of the package. If they can’t even attend the ceremony as guests, don’t marry her.
HOWEVER, you did mention they’re neurodivergent, but you didn’t give any other info. As you know there is a huge range of what this means. Could her concern be that their behavior is such that it will *prevent* the ceremony from being competed without interruption. Who will be watching the kids during the wedding? Are they able to handle it if one of the girls has a meltdown without you having to drop everything? Will *your* focus be on the girls & how they’re coping ? This may be her real issue. If you can arrange for someone to take responsibility for them and you will trust that person to handle issues, that plan may be enough to reassure her
Info: is there another parent or caregiver who would be present at said event to tend to the kids?
I don’t agree with her stance, but is there any chance this is born out of a concern for having to chase after kids all night at your own wedding?
I’m a long term step mum. The kids were really the only people we cared about being at the wedding.
I didn’t marry someone with kids because I didn’t want to deal with them or have him splitting his time. It sounds like she feels the same way but doesn’t realize it.
How much do you rely on your gf when parenting your kids? Because if she’s the “go to” parent who usually tends to most of their needs or handles meltdowns, I can see where she’d be concerned that she’d be continuously called upon that day to help with the kids instead of just enjoying her wedding day. I don’t think she sounds like an evil step-mom in the making, but more like she just wants a break for that day.
This would be a dealbreaker for me. ✂️
How nuerodivergent are they? Like scream and yell and kick and scream and melt downs no one can figure out or time? Like being incontinent and throwing or drawing with the feces?
Because of its not extreme they should be at the wedding.
If they generally would not be in public then they should stay home for the wedding.
If the children can behave they should attend.
Why would you want to marry a woman who doesn’t want her future step children at their dads wedding?
The wedding is for the community and family. The honeymoon is your time alone as a couple. Just make sure your kids are well supervised and their neuro issues do not interfere with the wedding.
I feel like a lot of people are ignoring the neurodivergent part and OP’s comment. I wouldn’t want a child screaming at or disrupting my wedding either. I think there’s a compromise to be had where a trusted/loved caretaker (who isn’t OP or the finance) stays with the two daughters throughout the ceremony and reception and is ready to step out with them if they get too overwhelmed/over stimulated/disruptive. The caretaker and the daughters could sit close to an exit so that if they did have to leave, it wouldn’t interrupt the ceremony or cause a scene at the reception. If OP’s finance can’t agree to the compromise I just presented, then there is a deeper issue at play and he should not marry her.
Info: when you say your children are neurodivergent, do they require constant supervision by you? Is there someone that can help watch them at the wedding?
If they require the same amount of supervision as neurotypical kids, then you likely have an issue with your fiancée.
If your kids require an “excessive” amount of supervision, which is subjective, then I can maybe see her having an issue with you being distracted at the wedding. BUT, the answer isn’t to not have them there, but to make whatever accommodations are needed so that they are and you are comfortable and able to focus on the event. Hire a caretaker if you need to!
But personally, if my fiancée were to tell me my own kids couldn’t be at my own wedding, and isn’t willing to discuss options, I’d be telling them the wedding is off.
Is your fiancé concerned that your daughters may be disruptive or distracting at the ceremony?
If I were your kid; I would feel shunned and left out. Like I no longer matter. Is that what she wants your kids to feel, on her special day? Not cool.
My husband and I had two wedding days- one was a simple courthouse wedding where a few people gathered as witnesses, then we had the day to ourselves afterwards. The other was a few days later and included everyone in a big party and more formal ceremony. Maybe you can do something like that and one of them can include your kids.
Imagine telling your teenager daughters in 10 years that they weren’t allowed at your wedding. Fucking OUCH. Your girlfriend doesn’t love those kids as much as you think she does. The fact that she had the audacity to even try and exclude your kids for bullshit reasons is insane. What are you not seeing????