The area we are moving to would be about 15 minutes away from where they want to move to in the next year. Parents came over today and dropped off gifts for our son with MIL saying “take these since we will never see you again” and told us to just throw away or leave items in the alley that we were going to give back to them before we moved (dining room table, chairs etc). My wife wants to back out of the deal now and is hysterical as she wants to go back to how things were, but I don’t wan’t too as the area we would move to is much nicer and the schools way better, plus the house has the room for us to grow our family. I also don’t think we should cave to this and bend to their desires.
I believe this is super toxic behavior on their part as they are going the nuclear option on us and they know their tactics will work on my wife. They have been great to us in the past, I just don’t understand how the situation has unfolded like this. Am i right to stand my ground and try to convince my wife to move forward? Or should I fold to keep the peace?
TL;DR:
My in laws are threatening to never see us again because we want to move to an area 15 minutes away from them. My wife wants to back out, but I don’t as the house/area/schools are way better. Not sure if I should back off the deal or stand up to them.
Edit:
Just to add some context, I also found out my MIL just told my wife that she wishes she didn’t get so close to my son over the past years if we were just going to end up moving “far away” from her.
Edit 2:
Thank you for all the replies. I think almost every single one of you have had the same answer in different words. I appreciate it!
30 comments
Stand up to them 100%! Now or you’ll never make your own choices again. It’s not their choice, do what is best for you and your children. They should know their place.
Every time they say something that ridiculous – laugh at them. Comment on places they go that take them more than 15 minutes to get there.
You’re right. That is super toxic behavior and you should absolutely not give in. Personally, I would be deeply concerned about the fact that the behavior is so effective on your wife. She probably has some deep self esteem issues from having such manipulative parents, and it seems like she hasn’t dealt with them.
Stand your ground and do what’s best for your kids. Tell your wife she needs to grow a backbone and do the same.
They are ridiculous and spoiled.
I live across an entire continent and my kids have relationships with family members who CHOOSE to stay active in their lives.
If 15 minutes is all it takes to break the relationship then there wasn’t one to begin with. There was only convenience.
Shame on them.
This is so weird. Almost a sitcom level of bullshit.
Flip the script. Tell them you will miss them. If they loved you, they would move closer.
Honestly, I would move far enough away they could only visit twice a year. This level of manipulation through guilt is just terrible.
Did you not meet these people before you married. My wedding tackle would have RUN back up into my abdominal cavity. Creating a child would have been impossible.
Maybe they are rich and you are waiting for them to die?
Next time tell them since you won’t be seeing them you’re moving to the coast (whichever one is further away). I can’t believe the drama they’re causing, and I really can’t imagine how a 30 year old woman can cave to this crap.
Stand up to them. This is boomer manipulation in its finest . Put the stuff where they told you to put it and call them/invite them over like nothing happened. Completely ignore them until they cave
The parents were planning to move near where you are going? It doesn’t sound like they are going to follow through.
Well, this is absolutely absurd! I’d be mad as hell because how dare they? It’s 15 mins. That’s nothing!!?!!?!??
If they can’t make it a priority to drive 15 mins to see their daughter and grandkid then they just fucking suck. Why is your wife not mad that they’re acting this way? Ugh.
Your wife is ENMESHED. Have her do a little research and see if that term resonates.
Also? If she is *hysterical* and not acting in her best interest because her parents have made a few comments then she should prob seek therapy ASAP.
I think there are two approaches and I’d probably do both. The first is to sit down with your wife and kind of talk her down, make sure that she agrees with you that her parents are objectively incorrect–they will only be 15 minutes away, that is fine. See if she thinks it would be helpful to sit down with them and just say, you keep saying things like this, it is not true, what is going on?
Then either after you have the discussion or decide it isn’t worth talking to them, I’d think of something true and boring to say in response to this kind of thing and say it every time.
Like a breezy, “don’t be silly, we’ll only be 15 minutes away!”
Tell your wife that her parents’ logic is ridiculous, and there is no reason why they can’t still see your family regularly other than a tantrum over not getting to dictate your lives.
Be clear that you are NOT moving somewhere that doesn’t suit you to appease them.
15 minutes?! What in the world. Seems like she needs some distance from these people. Tell them to call my parents becauee im a 4 hour plane ride
I know that I’ve read this one before
Your wife wants to ACCEPT being manipulated??
15 mins. So close. My school was a further drive than that. They need to stop being dramatic.
just ask if they that decrepit that 15 mins is too much work for the,. Are the kids not worth a half hour drive???
15 minutes? Where I live, 15 minutes is right around the corner. Stand your ground, or it will just get worse.
You’re right, it’s extremely toxic and manipulative behaviour and that is exactly why you have to stand your ground and do what is best for **your** family.
You should absolutely call their bluff and take them up on their offer. You are correct, this is super toxic emotional blackmail. I’d suggest you buy Susan Forward’s book for your wife to read. It was enlightening & freeing for me.
Live where you want to live and where’s best for your family. My mother was pretty upset that we moved 60 miles away. That was 8 years ago and she’s still salty over it but we’re happy where we are.
You call her parents today, tell them to end the bullshit and apologize or even if you lived 15 seconds away, they will never see your kid again if just to prevent him from any of their toxic behavior.
Ask your wife if she thinks you and her should do this to your child when he’s an adult.
Don’t fall for it. MIL will get over it.
You and your wife have to stick to your guns, you know this. In fact it’s a good thing you’re further away from this toxic woman
Tell your wife to stop being so easily manipulated.
They’re being crazy manipulative and controlling. Don’t give in.
“Far away”????? Really? JFC. Have they heard of this new fangled contraption called an “automobile”?
Your wife should get therapy even after this is all over. Her parents have had 30 years to twist her mind and she’s going to need some help to see normal again. She wouldn’t be entertaining this one bit otherwise.
“I’m sorry you feel that way MIL/FIL. We’re going to do it anyways because WE believe it’s what’s best for OUR family. We will respect your boundaries moving forward.”
Them being great to you in the past isn’t an open door for them to be jerks about things now. If the house you want is what will work for your family, now and in the future, do what you think is right.
15 minutes further away means I wouldn’t have to see my in-laws ever again? SCORE!!!