I had been having problems with remorse from my previous relationship, and it influenced my current one deeply. My gf was deeply affected by the baggage that I have had remaining from my ex. I've been having a lot of intrusive thoughts lately because of the anxiety of not wanting the thoughts. Once, a split intrusive thought of me having sex with my ex popped up in my head because I thought about what to not think about, so it made me anxious and on the contrary, made me think about it a lot more. I mentioned to my girlfriend that I was having intrusive thoughts, and they would pop up even when we were sexual. I mentioned they aren't desires but intrusive thoughts. To preface, I have really bad anxiety because of body dysmorphia relating to my skin, and suffer from depression.
The latter part of the conversation that occurred over text:
Her: you’re basically telling me you imagine your exes while you and i are doing stuff like lol how am i supposed to react to tht?
Me: I know baby I kind of set the conversation up in a way so it can lead me to telling you
Her: this is every single time? like I think that’s a dealbreaker like a serious final dealbreaker lol
Me: what's every single time?
Her: thinking about your ex during sexual acts. you didn't set the conversation to talk about it at all
Me: No. I did slowly
Her: I think I'm done. I'm sorry. I think we need to break up.
Me: I'm sorry:(
Her: I hate you
Me: why:(
her: Because you're deceptive and you think you're right
Me: how:(
Her: like kill yourself honestly. I don't care anymore. I deserve soooo much better than this bullshit. I honestly never want to hear from you again. I feel numb. I also did not ask you to leave out info during the convo I actually asked quite a few actions.
Me: I'm sorry for hurting you if its what you want I understand thank you for telling me and thank you for everything you've done for me
Her: And you got nowhere close to hinting it’s happened while you were been sexual with me
Me: I told you specifically do you want to know what/who I imagine and you said I rather not know
Her: I wish you were dead.
Me: okay:(
Her: You were on a bus for 5 hours and didn’t look at 1 instagram reel I’ve sent you in the last month You’ve had days at this point to write me a paragraph and the essay I’ve been asking for, the one I wrote you the very next day You don’t show me off to your friends The very first red flag with you that I thought about and then decided to completely ignore was the fact that you’re not willing to get herpes to be with me honestly Something non life threatening or dangerous and extremely common to be with someone you claim to love I didn’t think it was a red flag back then I just thought it was you being safe tbh but the more I see things now the more I understand that meant you saw this as something that wouldn’t last The fact that you were even thinking about the “what if we break up i don’t want to have this uncomfortable convo in the future again if i get herpes” that early on is a major red flag People are worth it to take risks on, even if you aren’t deeply in love with them And after all I did for you I understand why you’re not in love with me Or not super deeply in love with me Because you’re unavailable emotionally, and you always will be until you heal this part of yourself You cheated on someone you can’t get back anymore, two people actually, and then now you transfer it onto a third At this point i would have preferred if you cheated on me Like physically, emotionally, like literally did the same. Uou deserve nothing but pain until you learn more about your mental illness tbh
Me: I'm sorry I was anxious and thi ming the whole bus ride but I still shouldbe looked at them and prior
Her: I don't give a fuck. I don't care about your anxiety actually
Me: I was planning to write you an essay once I got home
Her: It’s always baseless Like really? A mark on your back? Stupid honestly Whereas you hurt real people with real concerns
Me: I don't have any friends to show you off too I asked you to call the only time I called my frjend
Her: And you don’t feel a thing I hope you slip and fall at the gym and break a few bones You actually don’t deserve good things anymore like idk I’m sick of being nice to someone like you You’re worse than my ex By 1000000% At least he made the relationship somewhat worth it despite cheating on me At least he was thoughtful and did things for me without me asking actually It doesn’t feel nice at all being compared does it That uncomfy angry feeling is how I feel being with you constantly
Me: I'm sorry you feel all these things. I love you a lot I wasn't expecting you to say these things but just know no matter what happens that I love you and I care about you and I think you broke up with me so I wish you the best and good luck and thank you for everything. I want to pay back for the stuff you spent on me
The conversation goes on to be slightly more civilized but still upsetting. I still believe this part of the conversation was the most critical to mention.