For thirty seconds, you have your pet’s full attention and the knowledge that they will perfectly understand anything you tell them (though they cannot reply in any meaningful way). What do you tell them?

32 comments

1. “I remember the first time we met you. You chose us and you are always going to be our best girl. I love you, my silly, snuggly, ginger meowkin girl.”

2. Please stop barking at the people walking by, and I control the vacuum so knock that off too

3. “You have GOT to be nice to other dogs, those are your cousins. Yes they are dumb but you have to be the bigger person. Dog. Whatever. Stop barking.”

4. Stop getting mad at me and shitting in the floor. Pretty please with sugar on top. Oh, and I love you.

5. We love you. This is your home forever. I don’t mean to step on you it’s an accident. We LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!

6. “It is very likely that someday, you will be in a lot of pain or discomfort and I will have to make the impossible decision to end your life so that you do not continue to live in pain or discomfort. When that happens, it is out of love and compassion and I will be there the whole time. I love you more than I can say, and when it happens please know I’m not trying to hurt you and please don’t be afraid. I love you.”

7. I love you so much. I always have, and always will. Also please stop barking at children, it scares them.

8. “If you are ever in pain or feel sick, tap my foot with your paw. I’m sorry for making you take medicine but you need it so you won’t die. Please don’t leave the house without me because it’s very dangerous outside and lots of things can hurt you. Love you and you’re the best cat in the world.”

9. “You two brought light into a world filled with darkness. When your dog-brother passed away, I didn’t even want to have pets anymore. Then your mom showed up at our door pregnant and pleading for help. Then she had you two and I knew the moment you derped-walked around for the first time that I was meant to take care of you two. You’re seniors now but you’re still my babies. Thank you for making me laugh and bringing me complete joy. Also, BE NICE TO EACH OTHER DANGIT. Stop biting each other’s non-existent dangly bits! I love you two. Also, stop trying to eat plastic. It’s bad for you.”

   I’m a fast talker I’m sure I could get all of that out in 30 seconds, lol.

10. To the rabbit: “Stop bullying the cat. And stop throwing your water bowl across the room, and then get sassy because you’re out of water. You KNOW that you get fresh water everyday, multiple times a day.”

    To the cat: “I know that you love the dog, but she doesn’t like cats, that’s why she doesn’t accept your snuggles, I’m sorry. Also, no matter how much you shout at me throughout the day, I am not going to put food in your bowl outside of meal times. You are not starving to death. chill out.”

    To the dog: “You know that mean old man neighbor who likes to stand outside in his yard, and intentionally does stuff to scare you and make you bark at him so he can then complain to the township? Don’t worry, I won’t force you to come inside anymore when you’re just trying to bask in the sun. They changed the nuisance law, so everytime he bangs on the fence to scare you, or points his leaf blower at you, you feel free to bark at that guy as *muchhhhh* as you want to.”

11. You’re such a sweet, good boy, and I love you so, so much. Please stop eating things that aren’t in your food dish, you have allergies and that’s why your stomach gets upset when you eat other things.

12. Thank you for taking such good care of my autistic daughter. She feels your love and concern and it has meant the world to her. You are our hero and we love you so much. Also, please stop trying to feed birds, mice, and ants. I know you get bored and they amuse you but it causes issues. And putting your penis in your mouth and pulling it like taffy every morning while I eat my breakfast is off putting. But otherwise, you are the best dog and we love you.

13. You’re safe, we only invite friends into the house.

14. To our anxious dog: We love you and we will always come back. Whether it’s to run out for groceries or when you’re at daycare overnight, we will always come back for you. You can relax.

15. STOP PISSING IN MY HOUSE. TELL ME AND I’LL TAKE YOU.

16. I’m sorry that I have to go away for work so much. It’s how I feed us and it’s the best I can do now that ‘mommy’ is gone. That lady that comes in to feed you when I’m away is nice so stop hissing at her. Please eat slower so you don’t puke everywhere. I promise that nobody is going to steal your food. Take your time.

17. “I love you more than I could even begin to explain, and I hope you think I take good care of you. Also, people are allowed to exist outside of our house and you don’t have to scream at them.”

18. The fish in the aquarium are not snacks. Nor are they enemies.

19. “I love you so so much, I will dedicate the entire part of our shared life to making you happy, and PLEASE stop walking on my computer keyboard while I’m working.”

20. Take your goddamn pills. They are saving your life.

    Also, I love you with every fibre of my being. We don’t have much time left, but just know that you did everything right.

21. When I leave the house, I promise I’m coming back every time

22. I love you. Eat that fancy cat food.

23. I love you but please stop screaming in the middle of the night.

24. No, stop all these comments are making me ugly cry! I miss my own pet who passed away last year. But if he were still here, I’d say, “thank you for being with me, thank you for choosing me, and thank you for bringing SO MUCH JOY into my world. Thank you for showing me what love is. I love you so much that it scares me. And you’re the best boy in this world. You melt my heart. I love you so much,”

    I miss my boy every day ❤️

25. “I love you so so much, you’re my absolute best friend and the best dog anyone could ever ask for. Every decision I make for you is out of love and you can trust that everything will be okay, you don’t need to be scared. If you are ever in pain dig at my foot or leg and I’ll know something is up. I love you man 🥲”

26. Can I use those seconds even for a recently passed away one?

    ” i am so sorry i wanst there for your final moments. Realise that I have you in my memory and heart always., the days you were in pain were your last but know I haveloved every moment, every squeek you gave and every half headbutt of your way of letting me know you cared. I will take care of your brother. We’ll meet again, little lady. I promise you that”

27. “I never abandoned you. I couldn’t take you where I was going. I knew you would be loved and safe with grandma” my cat has saved my mom’s life by alerting her when her blood sugar is dangerously low and has never left her side especially after she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.

28. “Throw up on the tile, not the carpet”

29. Please, for the love of God, stop crying for food. I have never and will never forget to feed you. And keep your litter paws off my face.

30. I love you, no matter what, wait for me, when you go to heaven one day.

31. I got you when I was young. I am so very sorry. I know I didn’t treat you as well as you deserved earlier in your life. I will spend the rest of the time we have being better for you. I love you more than I could ever express. You mean the world to me.

    If you feel sick or in pain please move your bed to the other side of the room.

    If you’re really hungry pick up your bowl. Let me know which treats are your favorite.

    You do a really good job of telling me when you need to go potty.

    Please if you need to have an accident go on the wood floor. Not on my bed please.

    I love you, you’re so pretty, you deserve the world.

32. “You are the light of my day, and for all intents and purposes, a lot more educated than most of the dogs i know.

    Just- please stop barking at black people. I have to cross the street everytime i see a black person coming and i’m afraid i’m getting a bad reputation”