With the way things are heading with abortion in the US, I’m scared I might not have a back up option if I were to ever get pregnant. I have an IUD, but no birth control is fool proof, so I asked my husband to get a vasectomy. He agreed but asked me to find a doctor and schedule it. He hates calling people he doesn’t know, and he hates going to the doctor, so I knew he was never going to call on his own, so I started figuring this out.
I was the one that asked our PCP for recommendations, contacted our insurance to see which doctors are in our plan, called several urology offices to try to make an appointment, called the PCP to send the referral, called the urology practice again to try to set up the appointment. Then it got too complicated for me to be in the middle. It was too hard to figure out scheduling, and my husband refused to talk to them on the phone himself. I chased him outside to come talk to them, and he got mad at me for talking loudly outside where neighbors could hear. Then the receptionist hung up on me. I was mad that he didn’t help, and he said I was acting nuts.
At that point I was really fed up with dealing with a man baby that can’t make his own appointments, so I went upstairs to my bedroom. I’ve decided to completely remove myself from scheduling any doctors appointments for him. I told him he can arrange it, or we can just not have sex or use condoms. I’m so mad. I feel so disrespected. I was on birth control for years, was pregnant 3 times, had 2 c-sections, and had a D&C, and he can’t make a few phone calls to arrange a vasectomy even after I did most of the work. He doesn’t know the fear that I have as a woman who might not have access to abortions in the future. He doesn’t have the worry about getting pregnant. He doesn’t realize how important this is to me, and this has really lowered my feelings towards him.
Edit: For those of you who think I’m forcing this on him, I am forcing him to call but not to get a vasectomy. He has told me repeatedly that he wants to get a vasectomy. I asked him to tell me the truth, and he assures me that he wants to do it. I have also presented the option of updating my passport so I could travel to Canada if needed for an abortion, but he said no, he’ll get the vasectomy. I am also willing to go back to condoms. All of his reservations involve using the insurance website, calling the insurance/PCP/urologists, and just the general overall daunting feel of figuring this out. That is why I found a place, and all I wanted him to do was talk to them on the phone to pick a consultation date based on his schedule. He decided he doesn’t want to use this place because the receptionist was rude and wants to start over. But with the way he treated me I no longer want to be involved with arranging it. If he doesn’t want to arrange a vasectomy that’s fine, we can use condoms.
38 comments
Nah Fuck condoms. Tell him no sex till it’s done. He’s a grown ass man. Condoms break.
I had a vasectomy it’s no big deal
>He hates calling people he doesn’t know, and he hates going to the doctor
So does everyone, time for him to grow the fuck up.
No sex until he did those calls.
I cant imagine this ia much of a surprise if he is usually like this about calling and scheduling doctors appts. If he has always avoided it then your fear is not going to impact him. You feel the fear that comes with possible pregnancy and he feels the fear of talking to strangers. Your individual fears are very real to each of you. I think condoms are a good solution.
It’s illegal to have sex with children, so no more sex until he grows up.
Honestly he might have a leg to stand on if he was just honest with you up front.
He doesn’t want the vasectomy. Let emotions cool down a bit, then come to him and ask him to be honest with you. I have a strong suspicion it’s not “fear of making a phone call” but rather “fear of making some major change to his anatomy”.
Once you establish that, it’s up to you how far you each want to go. He can work on his hang-ups over the procedure, or he doesn’t (it’s his choice after all). But you need to be ready with a clear explanation for what your sexual boundaries look like – assuming he doesn’t get the procedure.
These are not threats or punishments, to be clear. Just some good old-fashioned boundary setting.
Enjoy your sexless life.
What man wouldn’t want unlimited, problem-free creampies until the end of his days? Wtf.
My vasectomy is top five on the list of best decisions I’ve ever made, along with marrying my wife, moving to California, having a family, and going into IT. Absolutely life-changing.
By the way, I hate the healthcare system and don’t want to deal with it anymore than I have to, either. Still did it. Was scared as hell the night before, too. Still did it.
Don’t let him be a macho idiot about it, either: he absolutely HAS TO rest and recuperate per the letter of the post-operative instructions or else he runs the risk of lifelong complications. Also, insist that he gets both post-op sperm checks if he won’t do it himself.
Well his behavior is childish, but in two different ways:
1. Just his behavior about handling himself in regards to the doctor part is just plain absurd for a grown man. That’s like a little kid that doesn’t want to get a shot.
2. Is he acting this way to avoid the uncomfortable question of “Does he really want to have it done or not?” His behavior seems like a really childish way of dancing around the topic.
You hit the nail on the head, he’s a man baby. I also think withholding sex or using condoms is in your best interest. It is not okay for him to completely disregard your assistance when he asked for it. Honestly, I am mad for you. He needs to grow up.
I had this near exact conversation with my husband in 2015. I wanted to be done with birth control after being on it over a decade. He agreed to get a vasectomy, but either wouldn’t call to schedule or would find a work excuse to cancel each time I arranged the appointment. After he did it twice, I told him the office wouldn’t schedule with us anymore if he kept canceling, so I was done with the subject. When he was ready or “had time”, HE would call to schedule. In the meantime, I told him I was stopping my birth control and he’d either become a master at pulling out or we’d use condoms. Our son was born April 2016. He never got a vasectomy and I’m back on birth control.
I 100% agree with how frustrating his non-actions are. He agreed to do it, he can make his own arrangements.
I also agree with some other commenters that it looks like he may be making this difficult because he’s not actually sure he wants to have the procedure done. That’s understandable- it’s a medical procedure that does come with some risks, but he needs to be open and honest with you about this and not let you waste your time trying to schedule it for him.
I had this same conversation with my husband- we are child-free by choice and my body does not agree with any birth control method I have tried (which is a lot of them), so we discussed permanent sterilization. He had the same understandable hesitations about getting a vasectomy and as it is a personal choice, I decided that pushing it on him would be an asshole move on my part. I knew that exploratory surgery for a potential endometriosis diagnosis was in my future, so I decided to take it into my own hands and scheduled a bilateral salpingectomy to be done at the same time.
Is male sterilization a much less invasive procedure than female sterilization? Yes. Do I regret my decision or resent my husband? Not one bit. It felt empowering to make that decision for myself, and knowing that no matter the circumstances, I would be protected from an unwanted pregnancy made it the correct decision for us.
Bottom line- no one should be forced to follow through with a medical procedure they’re not sure of, but if he’s having doubts then he needs to step up and communicate that to you so that you can work toward a solution that works for both of you.
First, I don’t think this is about the phone call for him. I think that’s an excuse to avoid the procedure he doesn’t want to get. He should have been honest and up front about that instead of acting like a child about a phone call. At least then you two would be having a conversation about the real issues.
Second, what state do you live in? A few states are moving to restrict abortion pretty strongly but I think over time most will end up with something that resembles what most of Europe has, which is easy access in the first trimester with restrictions after that. I think we’ll mostly end up there because poling shows that’s where about 75% of Americans stand on it. And it’s surprisingly consistent across both parties and both sexes.
He has to put on some big-boy pants and schedule it himself. No sex until it is done.
Not only is it unfair, he is disrespecting you by not taking more responsibility for any of it. I also think he is inconsiderate of your very real worry that abortion will be off the table in some states. He should SHOW his support by taking this worry off the table and schedule his own vasectomy.
Also, as a guy who has had one, it is totally worth every penny. Finishing inside my wife every time never gets old. 10/10 Would highly recommend.
you had to chase him outside to get his attention while you were actively on the phone? this man is NOT getting a vasectomy. you need to figure out what you’re doing with that information.
Why not tie your tubes if it’s this important to you?
He doesn’t want a vasectomy…. This isn’t rocket science. He’s avoiding doing it because he doesn’t want his junk cut. And he’s completely within his rights to not want one – and you can’t force him to get one.
What you do with that is up to you. No sex, divorce, whatever makes you happy
You’re 100% entitled to feel this way. Idgaf about phone anxiety or whatever other issue people have. Grow up and use the phone.
I’m guessing it would make a vas deferens in your marriage if he just handled this himself.
Sounds like he wants a mom
Aaaand this is why male birth control pills will never be a thing.
Is he afraid of the surgery? Is he afraid of “losing his manhood”? This seems like way more than phone anxiety.
Is tubal ligation not an option for you?
I normally don’t vote for sex strikes but… no snip, no sex
Trust me, if he can’t talk to strangers, he won’t be able to have a doctor touch and open his ball sack for 15min.
My husband got a vasectomy after me being on birth control for 8 years.
I removed my IUD and I’ve felt like….literally a new woman. That’s one of the kindest things he’s done for “us”
Came here to concur that you totally can get a vasectomy under general anesthesia if you’re squeamish. Of course, if you’re also squeamish about making a telephone call, you may have some trouble finding the urologist who’ll do that (vs. under local anesthesia).
Also: if you’re not grown up enough to make a phone call, you’re in no position to admonish the person who does it for you for telling you the result within earshot of the neighbors.
So you can tell him basically what to do with his own body? If he doesn’t want to do that, he shouldn’t be forced.
My partner is a paranoid schizophrenic and legally insane. He was perfectly capable of contacting his insurance company and arranging a vasectomy. They had to agree to put him under but he got it.
Your man is capable of it too.
I get it. You’ve done the entirety of the reproductive heavy lifting for both of you and he won’t do this for you and that sucks.
Other commenters are probably right that he wasn’t onboard to begin with and this is how he’s choosing to express that hesitation. You can talk to him. You can try to resolve whatever fear is holding him back. You can try to make your case for why it’s unfair to expect you to continue to do all the hard work. And he might hear you and still refuse to compromise. My ex was the same and it was a big point of contention and symptomatic of the bigger issues in our marriage. Only you can decide if this is dealbreaker territory for you, but communicate and bring in a counselor to help
Get your tubes tied and take on the responsibility yourself because your man child is useless
Why would you have to go to Canada? There are states where abortion is protected under state law. Connecticut has laws already put in place to protect people from the bullshit Texas law where they can sue you. There won’t be any need to travel outside the country for an abortion.
I had a tubal ligation and uterine ablation. Best decision I ever made. Can’t get pregnant and no more periods either. It’s been a nice 6 years of no cramping, no tampons or pads or cups, no anemia or passing out, no PMS, no insane cravings. I hear my sister complain every single month about her cramps and diarrhea and nausea (with her 5 kids screaming in the background) and it just solidifies my belief that that simple outpatient surgery that only kept me out of work for 1 day was Heaven sent.
God damn, I am sorry you’re dealing with that. I have no regrets for getting snipped, and my plumbing had some issue that caused the initial “keyhole” procedure to be unworkable so I wound up needing a minor surgery instead.
Was the keyhole procedure uncomfortable? Well yeah, no way around that. But it’s effectively nearly zero risk, whereas women need a far more invasive procedure for comparable results. Fuck that, I wasn’t putting my wife at risk for no good reason.
Snipped and quite happy about it.
> He agreed but asked me to find a doctor and schedule it. He hates calling people he doesn’t know, and he hates going to the doctor.
> I was the one that asked our PCP for recommendations, contacted our insurance to see which doctors are in our plan, called several urology offices to try to make an appointment, called the PCP to send the referral, called the urology practice again to try to set up the appointment. Then it got too complicated for me to be in the middle. It was too hard to figure out scheduling, and my husband refused to talk to them on the phone himself.
> he can’t make a few phone calls to arrange a vasectomy even after I did most of the work
Your husband is either:
A: Completely lying to you about his willingness/desire to have a vasectomy.
or
B: Has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old.
Then get your tubes tied, dump the man baby, and get a new man.
be proactive.
God knew what he was doing making women the ones who get pregnant and give birth. Men wouldn’t be able to handle it and the human species would be extinct… because they’d chicken out of childbirth or be one and done because they couldn’t do it again 😆😆😆 as someone who had a c section with complications and will need another one soon, I have the world’s tiniest violin for your manchild husband who is afraid of a vasectomy with an insanely easy recovery compared to childbirth. I would refuse sex until he has one. If he gives you crap say “my body my choice, I run the risk of dying if I get pregnant again” having multiple c sections is a health risk. Im not sure repliers here know that information…its one of the reasons why i was so upset to learn i must have c sections for my pregnancies…you should NOT be having elective surgeries. Hopefully he gets it together
At this point, with the state of RvW? I’d be sleeping in a separate room until he takes ownership of preventing his sperm from meeting my eggs.
Period, the end.
Don’t care what the solution is, it’s on him. Until he finds one, my solution is no sex. That’d be me taking responsibility for keeping my eggs away from his sperm.
Fuck anyone who says otherwise.