(23f, almost 24f) here and i can safely say i have no friends, not even acquaintances. i can’t seem to keep any sort of relationship with anyone, whether it be friendly, platonic, romantic, etc. i have virtually no self-esteem, and never have had it. i was bullied, degraded, not just by kids, but adults too. and i don’t blame them. i always seem to annoy or burden anyone i talk to. my manager at my job even told me to my face she does not like me. all my previous therapists have ghosted me (yes, just stopped responding) and im now worried that my current therapist will do the same. she tells me it’s my depression talking (e.g. that no one cares about me, i have no friends) but every event in my life, and where im currently at, confirm those thoughts.
i’m on the spectrum, which i know makes it a little more difficult. i’m afraid to reach out to people, or try and join groups and conversations, because i’m always the odd one out/make things awkward. maybe i should just accept that that some people are meant to be alone? that i don’t deserve happiness? i’m not sure. i just wish there were people who actually wanted to have me in their lives, and that i didn’t hinder people’s happiness with my existence.