It’s been about a month since I posted. This is a bit long because so many kind Redditors reached out and gave me advice and shared their experiences and asked for an update.
After I posted and stewed for a little while (and had a couple of drinks) I called my FIL. He and my wife are very close, and I respect his opinion. He has been married for a very long time, and seems to have a happy marriage and has good relationships all around with his family. I didn’t specify what issues we were having, but he was over at my house while I was staying in an Airbnb, so it was no secret we were having problems. He has more of a traditional marriage- and at some point asked what I had to lose by putting pressure on her to talk. I said I feared I would push her away more, and he pretty much told me that I was living in a separate house than my pregnant wife, freaking out about a potential divorce- what did I have to lose? He advised me to “be a man” and come back to my house and lay it on the line.
I told him I’d be coming over the next day. They asked if they could take L to buy some sparklers for the upcoming holiday and spend the night at their house. I agreed, and when I went to my house the next day I came in with flowers and stuff to make dinner. My wife asked what I was doing there, to which I replied I lived there and would like to sit down and talk. I gave a long apology for my actions and words. When I finished, I said it was her turn to tell me what was going on. She tried to claim nothing, that everything was okay. After awhile, I said my heart is broken, that we have been through some tough things together, fought for each other, and now you sit here and lie to my face. We both sat there and she cried for about 30 minutes until eventually she said she felt like our relationship would end if she was honest. I said I would hear her out, no matter what.
She admitted it was hard that this would be her first kid and not mine. She didn’t think it would bother her and it didn’t until she was pregnant and that she laid in bed at night thinking if my ex would have wanted to raise L we would still be a family together and she wouldn’t matter. She expressed that seeing me emotional about our baby, or wanting to touch her bump, or treat her made her think of me and my ex and how I had already did all of the things she was excited to do with me. Near the beginning of her pregnancy, she had told a close friend that she couldn’t wait to have a baby with her soulmate- and her friend replied that she didn’t think soulmates had other children or “baby mamas” that it was two people meant only for each other. She was very upset and asked if I thought we were soulmates like she did. She described herself and our unborn child as my “sloppy seconds” family- that no one grew up dreaming of having kids by multiple different people. That she was just the substitute when the family I wanted didn’t work out. She also shared she had found some old images of my ex on social media, and could not stop comparing her pregnant body.
She feared the baby wouldn’t be an equal to L in my eyes. It worried her when I would ask what she thought the baby would be like that what if the baby was disabled, or didn’t like to do the things we enjoyed as a family, or the baby and L didn’t like each other? She said at one point she found herself wishing I had never had L, so she wouldn’t have to worry as much, and that is when she knew she had to really put in the extra effort to maintain a relationship with L. She feared that between work and L, I wouldn’t have time and wouldn’t bond with the baby like in the articles she read online where fathers didn’t bond with their children until they were able to do things with the family. When I did try and bond with the baby, she worried the baby wouldn’t live up to L. I have never been shy about saying how much being a father means to me, and how raising L has been the highlight of my life (along with marrying my wife, and now having our child together). She said it was initially what made her confident in marrying me, and excited to have a big family with me- but now constantly wondered if her pregnancy and this baby would be a highlight or a burden for me, because the stress is the same but the newness wasn’t, and then what if a newborn and then toddler wouldn’t be as interesting to me as L who is capable of doing activities? She showed me a million articles of different men explaining they didn’t bond with their children until 4+ years old. She also showed me the videos where people say things they did with their first kid, and then get more relaxed as they have more children. She said it freaked her out because it was clear people stopped caring the more children they had.
She said that there were times she felt she was ruining our family and coming between me and L. For example, at the zoo she said she cried on the way to the hospital. She was afraid L would hate her and resent the baby for cutting our zoo time short, and that I would be upset that I was spending my time off work at the hospital instead of doing the activities we planned with L. While I work, L and my wife spend a lot of time out of the house (library, local parks, etc). One of their favorite activities is biking together, and we bike together on weekends as well. We have lots of local trails, but due to her pregnancy she has not been able to. We’ve been doing more indoor activities. My wife said that when I’m at work, L kept saying she hated her because she didn’t get to go on her new bike as often anymore. I said I would discuss it with her, because that is unacceptable. My wife asked me not to since there would be so many changes soon for L, and it hurt her because she missed biking together as well. A couple of months ago, my wife asked me and L if we wanted to read stories together. L chose the first story I read, and my wife chose the second (her favorite childhood story) for me to read to the baby (and L) since it helps promote brain activity and help with bonding. After that, I read another book of Ls choosing. While I was at work the next day, L ripped the pages out of the book my wife chose. She said she was going to tell me, but her friend (same friend who says we aren’t soulmates) said I would think she was making it up and that it seemed to her she was trying to become between me and L.
I asked her why she didn’t tell me any of this, and she explained that she didn’t feel comfortable telling me because her thoughts didn’t even make sense to her- she wanted me to spend time with L so she didn’t feel left out or jealous,and when I did she felt upset I wasn’t spending more time with her. She loves L but wishes we had our first kid together. She wants me around but also feels upset and guilty when I give her/ our unborn baby attention. She said she feared that I would think she was trying to come between me and L, when she wasn’t. By the time I realized something was truly wrong and started to ask what was wrong, if she needed therapy, etc she said she realized she was acting poorly, but didn’t want to admit to herself that she missed out on a lot with me and doubled down as it was hard to face that she made her fears reality by pushing me away and not letting me care- and that she couldn’t “start over”, that her first pregnancy was a somewhat bad experience because of her own actions.
At this point, I realized how terrible I had been. I apologized for making her feel like she couldn’t come to me about anything. She said when she “researched” her feelings she found a bunch of forums were people were calling the poster evil for their feelings about their stepchild, and feared I would feel the same. She said if I had told her I felt about L the way she felt about L, that it would make her angry and upset, so she couldn’t see how I wouldn’t be. We both cried for a long time. I tried to reassure her. I told her how much I loved her, how excited I was, that she was the family of my choosing and my soulmate- that the universe knew that L and I needed her which is why circumstances allowed us to be a family. She apologized for the way she treated me, and said she wanted to make it right. She said she had wanted to apologize when I was beginning to have my meltdown, but was surprised when I yelled, and realized she mightve messed up beyond repair to get that reaction from me.
We continued to cry for a long long time, and she asked if I wanted to feel the baby. Of course I said yes, and we cried even more. It turned out to be a great evening, I made us dinner and we laughed about how I was so stressed I went to Reddit for advice. She wanted to read the post and cried again when she did. I reassured her we could move past this, and she said she felt less horrible as she read some of the comments from women in her shoes. It was a bit awkward the first week, after so many months of tension. I knew things were turning around when she woke me up by whispering “baby wants blueberry pancakes” that Saturday. I don’t think I’ve ever prepared pancakes so fast, I couldnt keep the smile off my face.
We ended up going to a pool party a few days later, and she let my choose her swimsuit- a big deal for someone who only wore baggy clothes around me. We took family pictures, and the universe is clearly on my side because on the way home she asked me to feel her belly and our baby was hiccuping- something I had never felt before and it was a first we could share together. She has even let me help her when she is sick without making an excuse about L. I’ve learned that when she comes and puts her back to me and lifts her arm that is my cue to lift her belly up. I now spend a lot of time rubbing and talking to her belly- and rubbing her feet, legs, back, shoulders, hips, haha- she is sore everywhere at this point. The first 500 times it made me cry, it has been such a relief to be involved. I never thought being tasked with acquiring the most random food items at 2am would be a great time for me, but it is. It still sucks that I missed out on a lot. I think it sucks for her too. She gets emotional and says a weight has been lifted off of her and things are so much easier, and she is upset that she didn’t talk to me sooner.
I have been working to fix some of my wife’s guilt. I realized there was a lot of simple fixes. For example, I was able to go to my local bike shop and get a pull behind trailer. Now, I pull her in that and she can use a small fan and ice packs, and L can ride her bike. I have taken off work so I can spend more time with them both. We are all in therapy and thankfully Ls therapist is continuing to say she is securely attached to both of us, enjoys the time we spend together, is coping very well (some of her behavior was do to another situation, which we have resolved), and she is excited to be a big sister. My wife was terrified that maybe she could sense her attitude shift, but her therapist says that she only has one complaint about my wife- that she forgot her candy one time and then it took 32 whole minutes for the store to deliver it. My wife is in therapy working to overcome the negative feelings she has.
That is pretty much were we are now. We are getting very close to baby time and working hard to finish preparing. My wife still needs reassurance. There are a lot of times she brings up my ex and I’ve found bringing up our firsts helps. For example, she will ask about certain things and how it was for me. I’ll say I don’t want to talk about that, and steer the conversation to us. Do you remember our first house? First vacation? First kiss? Date? Remember that time blah blah? It made me fall more in love with you. Do you remember when you and L made me blah? That is still one of my prized possessions.
It upsets me that my wife suffered for so long. I believe saying it out loud took a lot of power away from her feelings. I think most people know how badly it feels when you have thoughts that don’t feel like your own when you’re going through a mentally taxing time. I really should’ve stood up for our relationship and her mental health way sooner. I accepted her brushing me off for far too long when I should’ve realized she needed help. I appreciate everyone who reached out or offered advice. I posted this in detail with my wife’s permission- she hopes that it helps someone out there struggling with the same feelings she felt.
TL;DR: My wife was facing insecurity and some mental health issues and did not feel she could reach out to me as they involved my bio daughter. Thankfully, l received great advice from my FIL and you all, and we spoke about it and worked it out. After some awkward times, things are somewhat back to normal and I am able to be involved in my wife’s pregnancy. Everyone, including L, is doing well and excited for the baby to arrive.