My mom (49F) and dad (51M) have been married for a bit over 20 years. Over the course of the last 3 years, I (19F) have been observing the way my dad treats my mom, and it’s starting to get to me.
My older brothers, (23M, 21M) have been sort of indoctrinated by whatever my dad feeds to them. When my mom’s side of the family come over, my brothers and my dad would sneak away to some quiet room and gossip about my aunties and uncles. I catch them sometimes, then I try to argue to defend my mom, but even when I make good points, they just wait for my dad to disagree with me, then they’d disagree. This happens everytime my mom’s family come over. I think it would be fair for me to call my brothers sheep. I feel like they are too old to base their opinion on whatever my dad feeds them.
This in turn gives way for my brothers to be disrespectful to my mom. They constantly become very aggressive and blatantly disregard and contest whatever comes out of my mom’s mouth. My dad slyly encourages it with his facial expressions. He almost takes satisfaction in my mom getting torn apart by her own sons.
On top of this, my dad seems to feel entitled over a woman’s labour. We have one bathroom for me, my little sister, and my mom. The other is for my brothers and my dad. When my mom’s family comes over, he says that the women cannot use it unless they clean it . However he lets every man on my mom’s side use the bathroom, sit around and do nothing but talk and drink all day. He does not let that pass with any woman, they must be in the kitchen being useful every waking hour, with the exception of my mom’s mom.
My mom has been upset and it’s bothering me. I don’t know how to confront my dad. In front of people, he is a saint, kind and generous. Behind their backs, he thinks with a transactional attitude and when he does something for somebody first, they should in return worship the ground he walks on. If not that, he doesn’t do anything for anybody first.
I’ve grown to love my dad, but in order for him to be a great dad I feel like he has to be a great husband to the woman (my mom) who raised us.
I would also love to find a way to get through to my brothers. They’re too old to be brainwashed by my dad . I find that they hate my dad more, but they are afraid of ever confronting him so they direct their anger towards my mom.
Please note, I have always been the peacemaker in my family. I can get through to everyone, because I have when times were rougher. But I don’t want to repeat myself until certain people change. What would be the best approach, or should I just leave things be as they are?
TLDR; My dad is brainwashing my two brothers to be filled with contempt for my mother, and has misogynistic ideologies, and it’s starting to affect me too.