I (43f) recently married a man (43) who is divorced with 2 kids. We had a whirlwind romance and were very in love. As some background, when I was 35, I unexpectedly lost my boyfriend to suicide (I found him) after which I spent six years being single, healing and processing everything I needed to. I am a very strong person; I make it very clear that I hate ‘secrets and surprises’ and I really value honesty and loyalty. I have had enough surprises for a lifetime. I am an open book, what you see is what you get. I have gone above and beyond supporting his new business, and his kids. I thought I had found my person.
When I met my now husband, we obviously had the conversation about our pasts, and I was very transparent about my life and experiences and very clear about my boundaries. Given I was so open, I *of course) expected the same in return. I was not expecting explicit details, however when I simply asked when his last relationship ended, he told me that he had a “Covid fling” that lasted “just a few months,” and that was “never going to go anywhere.” I didn’t think more of it.
Fast forward to our wedding and a few months following, (I had caught him telling a few other white lies/omissions up to this point), however shockingly, one of my staff members asked me who the blonde was that he had dated. I replied that he hadn’t really dated anyone since his ex-wife, she looked perplexed then suggested that I have a look on his social media (I don’t use Instagram or FB). SURPRISE! I was absolutely floored by what I was seeing, not only was this a person I knew almost nothing about, but they had also not long been broken up before we had gotten together and it had lasted around 2 years, according to the dates of his posts. I had had problems with his son accepting me when we first met, in hindsight, the poor kid had seen his dad go from one woman to another. There were approximately 40 love-bombing posts about madly how in love they were and how absolutely amazing she was (the posts were the ones that people really should keep to themselves – extremely cringe).
I was upset for several reasons; his lack of transparency and honesty, the fact I had really opened up about my grief and loss of love but he couldn’t give me the same regard and respect, and probably the most hurtful – I had been pretty disappointed with his lack of effort over Christmas, on our wedding day and my birthday but I read that he was pretty much celebrating when she took a breath. Cumulatively, it was all extremely confronting to read and see, especially three months into our marriage. Moreover, he said that he thought he had deleted all of them and said there was a lot more than the 40 posts I read (he has since deleted his posts, but I have since not looked at a thing). I had a Covid fling and it certainly was not like that.
I am absolutely aware everyone has a past, so do I. I just do not see the need to lie about it. It’s a really bad foundation for a healthy relationship. It’s not only the lying that has been hurtful, but the posts have given me the ‘ick.’ He said he made the posts because she liked them and he did it to somewhat gloat to his ex-wife and work mates. So the (apparent) fakeness is just weird to me also. I think he absolutely did love her but he just flatly lied/is lying to me. He says he is really embarrassed about the posts, but I didn't think he'd be the type of person to post stuff like that in the first place.
Either way, I am not impressed on several counts, and I am unsure I am going to be able to get past the dishonesty and lack of respect. Would love some words of wisdom, if anyone has any they can offer, even if it's possible to move on. He says I need to let it go and move forward (easier for him, but I am stuck in a loop).
Honestly, if I had have seen the posts before going on our first date, I would have not even gone on that first date with him and had a beer. But here I am.
TL;DR: My (new) husband told me had had a 'short Covid fling' after he broke up with his wife however I was notified of some extremely over the top/cringe Instagram posts that in fact shows they were together for 18 months/2 years and were madly in love and broke up not long before we got together. I feel really deceived after how good I have been to him and his kids and I feel as though I deserved a lot better than the lies (he still continues to downplay their relationship). I feel like I got totally sucked in.