Hi all. For context, I’m 42F and a primary school teacher. I’m also married. I’ve never really had sustained female friendships and I think there’s something wrong with me. I’m successful in my job – I’ve just got a promotion which involves me working with a charity to improve evidence and research use in schools.
My husband is my only friend, but after work my “social battery” is so low that I feel myself getting annoyed when he talks to me because I just want some quiet time (I think this is because I’m always “on” in my job – when I’ve mentioned feeling like this to the counsellor at school they’re always surprised, because they see this confident, assured person, but teaching is a mask I put on. I have to be confident, sociable and in control to do my job but it is exhausting doing an 11 hour day of being my teacher persona)
I get invited to social things through work (but so does everyone) and I go along, but I always feel like if I wasn’t there, no one would notice. No one would save me a seat to sit with them, for example and I wouldn’t be invited for meals out which I know some of my colleagues do over the holidays. I’m embarrassed to reach out to others – I always convince myself I sound desperate or that they’re too busy with their own lives to have time for me and the rejection if they say no would really affect me.
This isn’t just work related – it’s been my entire life. When I got married I didn’t have any bridesmaids as I had no friends I could ask (and no wider family either) and I have no contact with people from my own school days. I made no friends at uni as everyone else in my group lived in halls and I travelled in every day for fours year.
I think I always either under or over invest in friendships- I either give that person too much attention or not enough.
I’m so lonely all the time, and I just know there’s something wrong with me. I’ve had issues with depression and anxiety in the past and actually think I might be autistic but the waiting lists are massive and don’t think a diagnosis would change things.
There isn’t really a point to this post, I just wanted to put down what was in my head.