Throwaway account because I don't want any of our friends to find this post, and I'll use fake names when necessary. This may be a bit long and convoluted. I know the title sounds bad, and it is, but hear me out. Our relationship had a bit of an unorthodox beginning which is why I'm seeking advice on what to do in this situation. I have been with my boyfriend, who I'll call Joe, for four years, and we've lived together for about two. We met about a month before Joe had to go away with no communication for around three months. The nature of his job has him going on trips for weeks and sometimes months at a time. During this month we spent nearly every day together, and truly enjoyed each other's company. The connection was unlike any I'd ever had before, and I thought he felt the same. Even our friends commented on our connection and how it was evident how much we liked each other. When he returned, he immediately reached out to me wanting to see me. I agreed and within a few more weeks we decided to become an exclusive couple. Sadly, I was planning to move 5,000 miles away for 17 months for school.
We decided our relationship was worth attempting the long distance and agreed to try to make it work. We planned for me to move back once I finished up with school. Honestly, long distance is terrible but I thought we crushed it overall. Our communication seemed open and effective, and I never felt insecure or like I needed to worry about infidelity. We had discussions early on that if one of us ever felt that they no longer wanted or were able to wait the duration of my schooling that we would speak openly to the other. I was able to visit him several times during my schooling, and each time was amazing. We were super into each other and I felt validated in my decision to stay with someone who lived 5,000 miles away. On one of my visits, we looked at an apartment together that my boyfriend ended up renting. After many discussions, we decided that I would move in with him when returning from school. Everything was great, we got along really well, and lived together well. I was stoked to be able to spend as much time with him as possible, and excited to see my friends who I'd missed as well.
Around Christmastime of that year is when things got wonky. We were in bed together at home and I happened to look over and see a name in his messages. Now to give you some background, I had seen this name twice before, but hadn't given it much thought because our relationship had been solid, I trusted him, and he had always been open with his phone (i.e. leaving it facing upwards, setting it next to me before he showered, even leaving it home with me while he went on long distance runs).
The first time I saw the name pop up was after the first time we had hooked up, about three weeks into seeing each other, and because we weren't exclusive, I hadn't cared or thought about it until the second time it appeared, which was during a visit when I was in school. I had taken his phone to send myself a picture from it, and on iPhones, suggestions will appear with people that you've sent photos to before, and there was her name. I will say he acted slightly suspicious at that point and kind of ushered his phone back into his hands, but after talking with my best friend (Maggie) and with him (not about the text, but about reaffirming that he wanted this relationship and that he had remained monogamous), I decided there was nothing to worry about. However, the third time, while we were in bed together, I had to get nosy. I said, "who's Melinda"?? He quickly responded, "Oh, she's a friend from home". I fired back, "huh, well you've never mentioned her before". I can't remember the rest of the conversation, but I don't remember being particularly concerned and it would make sense for the other times I had seen her name if they were friends from his home town.
Fast forward to a few days before Christmas, we're staying at his parent's place. I haven't been very concerned, but my friend Maggie who knew Joe before we started dating and actually set us up, had been doing her due diligence. She told me to confront him and ask again who Melinda was, so I did. It was a hard conversation to have, because I felt guilty even questioning his trust, but I brought it up again. He assured me that she was a friend and even offered for me to look through the messages, I (stupidly) declined, and felt much better after the conversation. However, Maggie was still not convinced even after I filled her in on our conversation. Joe had claimed that Melinda had been a friend from high school, but Maggie found a virtual copy of his yearbook online, and discovered that she wasn't in it and that she lived where Joe lived according to social media. We decided that I would have to look through Joe's phone and on the day after Christmas, she encouraged me to do it.
That night, I waited until he was asleep and crept to unplug his phone, which was plugged in and set on a desk in the guest room we were sleeping in. I snuck out to the garage and opened his phone. I didn't initially see the messages because he had deleted them, but I was able to retrieve them because he hadn't hard erased them. I was shocked at what I saw and physically ill. The conversation was playful and Melinda asked if Joe had found someone, and he said no. They sent a few pictures of themselves back and forth (nothing sexual), and the messages included stuff like, "Oh wish I could come visit you". I was convinced he had physically cheated at that point, and woke him up to confront him. Joe turned white as a sheet and immediately started apologizing for lying. He said that he had never physically cheated, or sent innapropriate photos, but this was something he did to "phase out girls" that he had previously talked to. Joe has a pretty promiscuous history and would often have loads of women on his roster, so to speak. I also personally texted Melinda to confirm that they had only texted during our relationship. They had previously slept together once before we got together. We had a pretty big argument but ultimately after he texted her to apologize and explain that he did have a partner and then blocked her number, I decided to try to work it out. He also agreed to do couple's therapy. During this argument I asked if he had ever been physically unfaithful and he denied it.
Fast forward, we had a very chaotic year. We both had some personal and work related things that made our year stressful, and our relationship got put on the back burner and we ended up not being able to do couple's therapy. This included me not being able to work for awhile and him supporting me financially in some ways. It was almost like we had just reverted to our relationship being the way it was previously with some occasional emotional outburst from me related to my trust being broken. Side note: Joe has always spoken highly of his ex girlfriend and I had always seen this as a green flag. They would text every now and then for Holidays etc. but it never seemed inappropriate.
We had the opportunity to go to his parent's for Thanksgiving and because of the incident with Melinda I had occasionally gotten insecure and checked his phone. I knew he had texted his ex girlfriend, Ray, (again, nothing inappropriate, but texted) and we were driving and I began telling him how even though I know it's irrational but because of what happened I feel uncomfortable with Ray texting him. I had seen that he reached out to her while he was away on a work trip. I asked him directly if he had heard from Ray and he said he hadn't and didn't remember the last time they had communicated. I was driving and immediately pulled the vehicle over to the side of the road. I demanded he open his texts immediately knowing that the texts between him and Ray were still there. He put up a bit of a fight but eventually showed me the texts and apologized for lying. We again had a long conversation about how honesty was everything to me and it wasn't that he was communicating with her but that he was being untruthful. I asked him why he lied again and he said he was worried I would dump him.
There was also an incident where a similar situation happened again but he had deleted texts from her. I had directly asked him again if they had talked and he denied it for almost an hour until I finally told him that I knew. Seems relevant to mention that she is now single and had reached out asking where he lives now. Nothing in the texts was inappropriate, but he didn't mention he wasn't single (I'm not sure she knows even now that I exist).
Now to a few months ago. Joe had a work commitment that would have him away for an undetermined amount of time. I started going through his stuff to organize and pack it up (we were potentially moving). While doing so I found one of his old phones. I got curious and decided to charge it. the phone had last been used in March of 2021 approx 8 months after we had started seeing each other, and 5 months after we had become exclusive. What I found on there made me physically ill. There was a text conversation from January of 2021 with a woman that he had clearly slept with multiple times. I saw texts to other women as well potentially planning to meet. I saw emails that he had activated his hinge, bumble, and tinder accounts at random durations throughout our relationship. The last time being April of 2022, I moved in with him June of 2022.
I texted Maggie and she called me and we just panicked. We both had zero suspicions that he was capable of actually sleeping with others. I ended up confronting him within a few days via telephone. Essentially I told him that he needed to tell me the truth about our relationship and whether he had been unfaithful. At first he tried to avoid it by essentially asking what I knew. I told him that was bullshit and I wasn't going to reveal what I knew and that he had to tell me everything or I would leave him. He admitted to sleeping with two girls several times throughout the beginning of our relationship while I was away at school. I asked when the last time happened and he said he was unsure but it was sometime during my schooling and before I had graduated and moved in with him.
He also mentioned a third girl that he had gone to see but had felt gross and ended up not sleeping with her. When I asked him why he did all of this he said he wasn't sure and that each time he felt guilty. I said he clearly didn't feel guilty enough to not sleep with them. He claims he was so used to the way he lived his life for 10 years before meeting me that he reverted back to his old ways when he was having a bad day. I questioned if he used dating apps to hook up with girls while on work trips. He denied it and said he used it almost like reddit to just look at attractive women. I asked him why he had lied when I had confronted him over a year before and he said he was worried I would end things with him.
When I asked him how he could lie to me continuously for so long and not feel bad about it or our relationship he said that he did feel bad and disgusting but was able to suppress those emotions. When I mentioned that we had had conversations during our long distance that we should communicate about not wanting to be together anymore or wanting to sleep with other people he said that he hadn't wanted to separate. I do think he is extremely remorseful and I don't think there have been any incidences of physical cheating for over 2 years. I told him I was willing to try to work everything out. Unfortunately, the situation with his work has made it difficult for us to have time. It's been several months since I found out and we still haven't been to see a couple's therapist (this is more related to work things).
We've had some discussions but they've been limited. He has assured me he has no interest in other people or his ex. He states he wants a monogamous relationship with me and that's something he feels he's capable of doing. He also says he had never cheated on a partner before (lucky me). He's currently away for work and I'm just struggling mentally. Other than this situation, he is an excellent partner. We get along extremely well and our personalities are a good fit. I don't feel that I will find another human who understands me and checks all my boxes the way he does.
However, I feel like our entire relationship has evidently been a lie. I've tried to communicate to him that I feel this way, explaining that he has known me for four years, but I feel like I'm just now understanding the person he is. It feels like I question whether he loves me daily. When he asks me what he can do to rectify it I just tell him that's not my job to come up with solutions. I recommended counseling but that hasn't been able to happen. It feels like his response to any conversation we have about it ends up with him just repeatedly apologizing. I'm not sure what I would need from him, but I don't feel I should be the one explaining what he needs to do to heal things.
I understand most people would recommend I end things and move on but it doesn't feel that simple. I love him and I'm committed to him. We are each other's best friend and support person. I also think each relationship is unique and people have the potential to change. Wondering if I'm just being dumb. I'm unsure if I had known sooner whether I would have ended things. I haven't told any of my family members or anyone other than Maggie. I'm worried no one would be able to forgive him and I do want to try to work things out. Does anyone have any advice that's not just to immediately pack up and leave? Any other suggestions? Open to anything really. If you've made it this far into my post just know I appreciate you. Thank you!