I live with my girlfriend and this weekend she was supposed to have plans with friends on Saturday. She was going to be out of the apartment from around 1pm until sometime at night, probably around 11pm.
Since I had the place to myself I thought I'd use the time to relax and catch up on tv. I was going to go to the gym in the morning then spend the rest of the day watching tv, reading, maybe playing video games. I was going to have a few drinks and order some food and just enjoy a chilled day.
One of her friends messaged today apologising but saying she wouldn't be able to make it tomorrow so they all decided to postpone their plans for another weekend. My girlfriend asked me what I wanted to do tomorrow now. I told her I had already planned my day and repeated to her what I'll be doing.
She asked if I'd be doing that all day and I said yes I would. She mentioned that she's free now so she thought we could go out for the day and do something. I told her no and that I have plans so we'll have to do it another day. I said that just because her plans aren't happening, I don't have to drop what I had planned.
She said I should want to do something with her now that she's free but I just told her she should respect my time and not expect me to drop everything just because she's now free. I pointed out she's welcome to join me in relaxing but that I'm not changing my plans.
She said I was being too inflexible and should be open to making plans but I just repeated again that I have plans. Does anyone have any other views or perspectives on this or any advice on how to handle it?
tl;dr my girlfriend just expected me to drop my plans once her plans got cancelled. I told her to respect my time and that I'm not cancelling what I'd planned to so and she said I was being too inflexible.
20 comments
If you haven’t figured it out yet, her time is HER time and your time is OUR time. Some people are like this with money, others are like this with time.
It sounds like you don’t even *like* her very much, given that you would rather watch TV and play video games than do something with her.
“Drop Everything” is kind of a dramatic way for you to put it. *Everything* being TV and Video games, and maybe a bit of exercise. It’s not like you have plans with friends.
You are, of course, not *obligated* to give up your TV-watching “plans” to spend time with your girlfriend, but by choosing not to, you are showing her how little she matters to you.
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you could communicate better.
You are sounding rigid and saying “I made plans I will not deviate”
When instead you can simply say “Actually, I was really looking forward to the lazy day of catching up on shows and ordering food delivered, work has been hectic for quite some time, and I really need to have a day where I just turn off my body and my brain, and once I had the opportunity when you made your plans, I’ve really been excited to have that chance. how about you join me for day?”
Give her a reason WHY you want to stick with your plans, other than the uptight, anal, “NO MY PLANS ARE MY PLANS”.
Because, while technically true, it’s not exactly a good attitude to have if you want to stay in a relationship.
You are fighting a logical battle, when relationships are primarily emotional
While you could have worded it less matter of factly (if your description is accurate) i agree with you. Shizz happens but if her plans fall through, doesnt mean you should all of a sudden change yours (unless cool with it) and vice versa.
Is this another event from the other day or the same one you posted about then?
Just reading this really burned me up! So her time is valuable and to be respected but yours isn’t?! She made her plans and you made yours. Hers fell through and yours didn’t. That’s ***her*** problem, not yours. Since she’s the one whose plans changed it’s on her to adjust to you, not vice versa. How “flexible” would ***she*** be if the shoe were on the other foot? I’m guessing not much.
You are absolutely right; her plans fell through and that happens. She asked you if you wanted to do something with her, to which you declined because you wanted to do other things. Absolutely your right to make plans and continue with those plans even if hers fell through.
Also, you live together, so you’re spending time with her. 😝.
Yes, you could alter your plans slightly to accommodate her, but you don’t have to.
If I had plans already, especially to be able to do my own thing for an entire day, I would do exactly that. I don’t get those opportunities often because I’m a mom of two and our schedules are quite busy, as are my husband’s. We do, however, give one another time to do whatever we want.
So, for example, my husband will most likely watch football if it’s during the season and play video games. I, on the other hand, would likely spend the entire day outside or go somewhere. I’d want to do it on my own too, especially because I can take as much time as I want and not be rushed through anything.
You are ***not*** inflexible just because you have made plans of your own and want to do something you enjoy. She’s welcome to join you, as you said, but she is more than capable of making other plans with other people besides you. If one of her friends said they were busy, would she call them inflexible? If not, then why are you accused of it?
Nope, not in the wrong. Not at all.
By any chance is your girlfriend one of those people who has no hobbies or interests and whose only way of entertaining herself is having other people around to entertain her?
In any case, all relationships that work have both couple time and alone time. You are in your rights to have some alone time doing the things you want to do. You planned for alone time. She should respect that.
I can’t with people like this. Your gf isn’t the center of the universe even if she acts like she is. You even invited her to come over and relax with you but that wasn’t enough. No you’re not wrong, but her trying to monopolize your free time only because her plans fell through is selfish af when you already communicated to her clearly.
you post this same question with slight variations to the situation every few months, and then get defensive when someone doesn’t side with you. i’m not sure what you’re looking for at this point except for a validation echo chamber.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1app6nt/girlfriend_23f_cancelled_plans_then_got_annoyed/
I feel like I‘ve read the exact story a while ago but it doesn’t sound dramatic enough to steal and repost?
Is she needy and clingy like this all the time?
You have plans dude, she needs to respect that
1. It is entirely possible to be completely right in a relationship and you still are wrong.
2. Your plans (especially those you make in response to her being occupied) should not be subject to her whims.
3. #2 doesn’t matter, if you had specific plans with friends you might be able to claim they were in stone, but odds are she’d expect to be invited. Plans alone playing with yourself (figuratively) are of no importance and will be considered a space filler to be disposed of upon her cleared schedule.
4. You are NTA, you might be a bit on the spectrum (you’re making sense to me and I am) but if you expect to be happy in a relationship with your average female partner, this is a hit you’re gonna take. Sorry
Adapt or die.
While I think every one deserves their own time and plans,
lazing around the house really isn’t a “plan” to do things that can’t be postponed.
What we do in relationships is give, especially if we want.
So, it wouldn’t harm you at all to say.
My plans are X, Y, Z…
I still want to do X, but we could do Y together and do something else altogether. I’ll do Z another time.
Because we adapt to changes and circumstances to benefit each other and ourselves.
Spontaneity creates some terrific bonds.
So you can keep your plans.
But don’t expect her to ask again.
Someone else might make her plans workable.
Based on the plans you mentioned, they really don’t sound all that’s important?
Lol so why shouldn’t she want to do something with you any time that she’s free? Also as an introvert, there’s something about making plans for yourself to stay in that people just don’t respect or see as “real” plans. I don’t think you’re wrong for this, and her being disappointed that you don’t drop everything for her is selfish. Just like you didn’t expect her to drop her plans with friends and spend time with you.
Women like this need to get a hobby so they can be comfortable spending time alone once in a while…
Why can’t you postpone your chill day to the day she will meet her friends?
If you really want to chill you have to compromise in order to satisfy you and your partner.
For example: take her out for a few drinks and after that you can chill and order your favorite food and drinks to watch a movie with your GF.
I’m guessing that you both have a full-time job aswell so if that’s the case, there are not many days off to do something together with your GF.
Maybe that’s why she wants to spend quality time with you and doesn’t want to waste this opportunity
Sitting at home all day long.
You can chill after work aswell.
You both sound terrible.