Hi! I’m new and really just struggling and hoping anyone has some advice for me 🙂 so my fiancé (27M) and I (23F) are getting married September 1 and we’ve been going through and working through a lot and we are both Adventist but have been living together and having sex even though the church doesn’t agree with that. But he has been okay with it and was even the one to start all of it because he took the advice from one of his mentors that it was okay to do anyways. Well 2 days ago one of his peers at his job gave him contradicting advice and backed it up with bible verses and now all of a sudden he thinks we’ve been sinning so much and need to repent and live apart and be abstinent until we’re married (which is only 1 month) but he just decided this on his own and packed up all of his stuff and left last night to go live at a friends house. I was extremely upset and felt like he was abandoning me- I have a lot of trauma especially from my dad- and all of this reminded me of when my dad left and then we he died and I had one of the worst panic attacks I have ever had and could not breathe and was just in such a state of fight or flight my nervous system was extremely unregulated and I couldn’t stop crying. I felt so much pain in my chest and logically I know that sleeping and living apart for one month is not that hard but my body still hurts and I can’t stop that. He kept saying that he feels this is the right thing to do and that it will help our relationship and make us stronger and better and this is a time that we really need to go through and it will make our marriage better but I felt differently and he just sat there while I was crying and upset and said “I’m sorry you feel that way.” And then he left. I was in my darkest moment when I really needed him and he was more concerned about getting to his friends house before dark. Which is something I really can’t understand because if the roles were reversed I never would have done that to him- I would have made this a conversation and included him and his thoughts and feelings about all of this before just deciding on my own that this was the best thing to do and deciding to just pack up and leave and I never would have left him when he was not okay I would have stayed all night if I had to. He frequently has thoughts about just living alone and traveling in his van and he has avoidant/anxious attachment and has run away from the relationship before and I know that he struggles a lot and he has a hard time with letting negative thoughts get to him. He even broke up with me once a while ago. He also didn’t tell me he was staying at his friend’s house he said he was going to a different place but today he said that he actually went to his friend’s house instead. He also went out of town for work today and never bothered to mention it to me either. I even called him last night because I needed to talk and he never answered the phone. I feel like I can’t trust him and I feel like he is keeping things from me and maybe secretly doesn’t want to marry me. He keeps saying that he loves me so deeply and he just wants this to be a healthy thing for us to make us better and our marriage better and is still going to marry me but I just feel like I can’t trust him and I told him that I don’t trust him but he just said “ I’m sorry that you don’t trust me- that’s something you need to work on- I can’t make you trust me.” This whole thing is just so confusing and hurtful and he doesn’t feel like my safe person anymore. He is a very selfish person and I know that- he has spent many years living on his own doing whatever he wanted and only thinking about himself. And I know that he has a hard time thinking about other people. But it’s like he didn’t even think of me at all like this was just some the felt he needed to do whether it hurt me or not. And I told him I felt like this was taking a huge step back in our relationship right before getting married and he said “that’s the point- the point is to take a step back before moving forward” and I told him I was worried and scared and I thought this would disconnect us and hurt our relationship but he just felt otherwise. It’s like he didn’t even really care what I had to say his mind was already made. He also has many friends and family in town that he can talk to and go get support from and hangout with so he isn’t alone but I literally have no one here- no friends and no family and I am all alone with no one to talk to and it’s like he didn’t even consider that or me or how I would feel before doing all of this. And I’m very angry and upset and I want to push him away and not see him again almost as if I want him to feel hurt like I am- and I know that that is not healthy or good and I’m not going to do that because I’m better than that but how can I go along with this and think of this as a good thing and not feel so hurt and abandoned? I really need help and advice please.
Does anyone think that this could be a good thing for us spending the time apart and not living together for a month before getting married and do you think I’m in the wrong for getting upset and thinking otherwise? I’m not sure what to do now and I don’t know how to trust him. How can he be a safe person for me again?
6 comments
It’s absolutely insane what religion can do to people.
Wow, what a ride. He sounds like a mess that you need some distance from.
I don’t think he was ever a safe person for you. Without any warning or discussion with you, he made a huge decision for your lives. This will not be the last time he does this – especially where religion is involved.
I’m concerned that 1 conversation with a coworker can completely derail the trajectory of your relationship and also that he feels that he can unilaterally just make a decision like moving out immediately without a conversation with *you.*
I would pump the brakes on this engagement. He sounds easily swayed and unreliable. Do you want to marry someone you admit is selfish? Someone who may want to live alone in a van someday?
Are you marrying him because it’s just the next step in your relationship and your religion encourages it?
I’d be questioning marrying this person… seriously.
I would insist on non-religious pre-marriage counseling if you decide to stay. For real.
ETA: I don’t love that he’s dismissing your feelings and not taking accountability of how walking out on you made you feel:
“…I don’t trust him but he just said “ I’m sorry that you don’t trust me- that’s something you need to work on- I can’t make you trust me…”
I grew up Adventist and spent about 15 years in the Adventist school system so I’m well aware of the type of culture you and your fiancé are steeped in. Let’s just say there is so much harmful messaging and beliefs around sex and relationships in that culture, religion, and educational system. At least when I was younger it was purity culture on steroids. I do not know the exact culture now but I can’t imagine much has changed. I wish I had questioned the messaging and examined my own feelings and beliefs much earlier before I got married myself. I feel like I was unknowingly robbed of of some agency, understanding, and choice around sexual matters and knowledge of what marriage really is by not questioning what I had been taught all my life.
I also wish my wife and I had pre-marital counseling with a non-religious therapist. A therapist hopefully would have helped us both realize some of what appeared to be our own strongly held beliefs around sex and marriage had not actually been examined or questioned ourselves and had only been force fed to us through years of religion.
My advice to you is to call off the wedding with this guy. Based on his actions, he’s going to be stomping all over your boundaries and trying to force you to conform to whatever his current vision for life is. It sounds like he is all over the place with religious beliefs and even his life goals or plans. All people change with time but this guy sounds like he changes every few months so being married to him will be like married to a wild card in that you are supposed to be committed for life but have no idea what you’re truly signing up for or what you will get.
I’d suggest you start reading non-religious books about sex and relationships to understand what a healthy balanced relationship looks like and what a healthy attitude towards sex looks like. Require the same reading of any man you intend to marry and also do non-religious pre-marital counseling (don’t just meet a couple times with the pastor doing your wedding to have him lead you in awkward dances around actually talking about anything related to sex, boundaries, porn, etc)
Good luck and choose wisely!
He values other people’s feelings over yours.
That pretty much covers it, regardless of the rest of the red flags in that story. I think sexual, financial or religious incompatibilities are the hardest to get through in a marriage and you should consider your compatibility seriously before choosing a life partner.