We met in person by chance and unexpectedly. (F24 M26)
In 4 months, we haven’t done anything sexual or couple-y, at all. We seem to hang out like friends who are attracted to each other; just fun, good deep conversation and tension. I enjoyed this, as I have regretted moving too fast in previous relationships. We message once a day maximum and it’s usually engaging. He’s given me a thoughtful present and expressed that there are more he wants to give me – practical things that I need. He insists on paying for everything too. However, he’s been inconsistent. He does these sweet gestures, expresses that he wants to be closer and spend more time together, but doesn’t seem to make any plans or set any kind of intention to make those things happen. I’ve become the sole initiator after the first 3 weeks and struggled to know where I stood since then. I felt like things were not matching up. He expresses his attraction to me, compliments my personality, is curious about me, but doesn’t seem to take it further. Even when hugging to say goodbye, he would only give a one-arm hug. He felt simultaneously open and closed off.
He also has started to idealise me somehow; saying that I’m an inspiration, that I challenge him, coolest person he’s ever met and that we’re so similar that it makes him feel less alone. These have made me feel a little bit off.
I told him my intentions were romantic. He said that I meet all of his criteria for a partner, he finds me attractive and that we have similar values (I think this about him too), but he struggles to have relationships with people he truly likes or can see a future with, due to attachment trauma. (I can relate to this as I, too, have settled for less than what I really wanted, out of attachment) Essentially, he likes me but is scared and he apologised for being confusing. He said he’s willing to return to therapy to explore it and make some progress on it. But said he isn’t capable of healthy romantic relationships until he can handle his own anxieties, as he said he tends to be really intense/smothering (also a hypochondriac) and need lots of reassurance and he doesn’t want to put that burden on me.
He told me that I’ve inspired him to sign up for therapy and he’s restarting in a week’s time. However, I said that I will be stepping away and won’t wait around or try to change his mind with regards to being ready to date. (I’ve done this before and it’s torturous!) He understood and we were both sad. He expressed that it was painful to see something end before it even began. I told him that we can revisit if he feels more ready one day (if I’m single too). He said that this gives him hope. We’ve agreed to keep communication open as it felt like a waste of a connection, but not as frequent. We also won’t meet any more, at least for now. I feel a lot better, less anxious and more open to focusing on myself and also for other potential romantic partners who will be ready and available to me.
However, part of me still feels hopeful that we can get it right next time. No contact doesn’t feel right, but sometimes he messages me about something we’re both interested in and all I want to do is talk to him. I feel like we separated at the “peak” of our attraction and connection and the book doesn’t feel close. Am I being delusional?