I guess therapy is the answer here, but I only see my therapist once a week and I have stuff I want to get off my chest multiple times a day.
My husband is not a talker. He finds small talk annoying. He prefers to answer questions with as few words as possible. He’ll sometimes nod along and feign to be listening when I talk at him, but he prefers silence to conversation. When it comes to big, important conversations, he also avoids those as much as possible. He tells me things on a “need to know” basis, and let’s just say his definition of what I “need to know” is a lot broader than his.
I’m a talker. I process information by talking it out. I enjoy small talk and look forward to chatting whenever I leave the house or have company. I do think I can be a bit of an over-sharer, but for me conversation is a bid to connect. I’m the type of person who will strike up a conversation with a stranger in the grocery store, which is my husband’s worst nightmare.
I’ve often heard it said that one should never speak badly about their spouse to friends or family. I definitely understand the reasoning. It makes sense. And to my husband, this rule is pretty much the golden rule. He never says anything negative about me to anyone, and he gets very, very offended if he finds out I’ve been talking about him.
The thing is… if I can’t talk to him, and I can’t talk about him, what am I supposed to do with all these thoughts and feelings and concerns and worries and opinions I have swirling around in my head all day every day? I’ve tried journaling, it does not provide the same clarity or catharsis that a good conversation gives. I understand that it’s a bad idea all around to complain to family members or friends who might develop a negative opinion about him and act accordingly based on what I vent about. My husband cares very much about keeping up appearances and I’m definitely sympathetic to that. But what about my best friend who lives a thousand miles away and who I only get to see once every few years and who he never has to interact with ever? Even to her, I only ever complain about small petty stuff. Most of what I’d most like to talk about I could never share with another person IRL. My husband saw what I was saying about him to her, which was admittedly a bit hurtful but not untrue, and gave me the cold shoulder even worse than usual for the entire weekend. Because he believes you should never complain about your spouse to anyone else.
Like I said, I know therapy is the answer. But 40 minutes a week, on the weeks I’m even able to attend, is just not cutting it. In between I feel so lonely, so isolated. He would be livid if he knew I was shouting into the void like this but if I keep this stuff bottled up I feel like I’ll explode!