May be a long one but please respond if you can relate would mean the world.
So I’m trying to analyse my current behaviours.
I’m F(21) but grew up considerably quicker than most starting my higher education at uni as I was turning 16. I did the whole staying up drinking etc for about 5 days at a time, only caring about a good time.
I’ve always been a people pleaser and therefore had a lot of “friends”.
I’ve had a lot of life experiences, I was adopted and had to be an adult at around 3 even in the last few years been in an attempted murder case etc with ex partners etc but as an optimist didn’t let it affect me even if it did subconsciously.
My dream was always my degree in law and I tried very hard all my life as a bit of an outsider who just loved mountaineering, music, sports and education, I skipped parts of school because the subjects I cared about… I was good at, I was competing with myself to be the best. I have always had a snappy streak which lead to me losing some amazing friends but I did a lot of therapy etc and I managed to control “bpd” and other early onset issues despite many self destructive actions all of which I learned each time I caused myself harm or lost someone great. I have a great partner and a few great friends, I once cared about the amount I had but recently I can’t bare being around people. It’s healthy that I don’t have the ego I once had and I care more about my health etc especially after I was diagnosed with depression anxiety all the cliches etc but now it’s different, I do have bad self esteem about myself but at the same time traditionally I’m not ugly and am accepting enough of myself, however once my outlook was my biggest weakness but it’s not so much a factor now, so I don’t feel I can connect my own outlook of myself to my unacceptable behaviour.
I don’t want to harm myself I don’t want to end my life as I once did. But every little thing just annoys me like I mean irritates the life out of me and a lot of people (quite rightly) at work etc now think I’m a very dismissive person, changed from the bubbly person they knew and that I’m frankly quite rude. I’ve realised I really have changed and I met someone I’ve been seeing for nearly a year where I can be so hot and cold and it kills him and this is someone I care (not as much as my adoptive parents and brother) but I’ve started being so out of turn I hate to see him down because of my actions. I show up to parties etc and I just feel panicky and out of I missed my works night out last night because a couple of people I’m not a huge fan of were there and my best friend needed me but I was selfish and couldn’t bring myself . I now miss social events because I’m not confident enough anymore or trust myself to be kind to the people around me. A few people I have reasons to really dislike but I’ve always been forgiving and able to be the bigger person so what’s changed?
Until a few weeks ago I was 3 and a bit months pregnant which is when I noticed me snapping but that should have improved by now. It was stressful as I don’t want to get rid of her but my partner is not in a place to be a father and I don’t know if I’m ready and don’t want to do the same as my biological mother. But it’s not everyone’s job to walk on eggshells around me. Especially as I work on a bar when not in education and even find myself being snappy at best, incredibly rude at worst and they’re all in shock because it’s not ME.
I did cbt etc for most my life even took a couple of years off uni even though I could have graduated by now and although I’m back I’ve been rather self destructive and not gotten great grades anymore.
How does one stop blaming the world for how IM feeling and stop taking it out on them. Because I’ve always been proud of my educational prowess and can’t be proud anymore, and the only other thing now I don’t do my music and sports so much was my morals and how I treated others. And now I’m just known for being miserable and snappy and many do try and tell people you know what’s she’s gone through we need to give her leeway etc but that’s very temporary and I’m desperate to be more patient and tolerant again I came such a long way and now I’m resorting back to when I was 15 and just horrid to everyone
I’m sorry this was so long but I’m desperate for advice. This isn’t just down to bpd and anxiety, ptsd and depression etc. I got over all that step by step for years and managed it so well and I came off all medications a good few years ago, so I don’t understand how I’ve turned in to this, especially after stopping drinking :/
I just need to stop this attitude and control my facial expressions and the way I speak to people when it’s due to my lack of patience x
Edit: I’ve been using implanted protection for years so I wasn’t being irresponsible as far as I’m aware it’s never happened before… a fertility test from the big man upstairs I spose