We have been together around 12 years but this is a recent problem.
My parents accepted my partner, he lived with us for a couple months at a time when we were younger, they get him birthday and xmas gifts, and he has attended our family dinners for years, with the host making a separate meal at times as he is vegetarian. Everything my Mum does for my sister and I, she added him in like a third kid.
His parents rejected me immediately for no fault of my own. They didn't want to him to have a GF. His Mum has said some nasty things to me and about us both. He told me "there is a base level of nastiness you get from her, and you get used to it". She is toxic, and his dad enables it. He knows his dad is like this and has told me he has fears of being like him, and that I will "walk all over him".
I told my partner I'm not seeing his parents anymore. In response he said he will not attend my family dinners. These are 1 or 2 times a month for a couple hours. My Mum dropped by to give him a birthday present, and he then told her directly he won't be coming to dinner anymore, because I won't see his parents. He hasn't seen them since, has been a long time.
Recently, it had been a year since I saw his parents last so we went for 3 days. His siblings didn't visit, his parents organized nothing, and didn't even want to go to dinner. On the last day of our stay, his dad booked himself a flight at 6am to go hiking, so he wasn't there. He could go any time and knew we were coming but did this instead of spend time with his son. His Mum was supposed to take us to the airport but she worked most of the day and then booked herself a work meeting instead, so we paid $70 to Uber to the airport.
They clearly don't give a fuck about us (or me) visiting them, which cost a bomb to fly there, after not seeing them for ages.
My Mum talked to me after and said my BF is manipulative. Both my parents are not impressed, and have said I should leave him. It's a bit sad. It hurt my parents, but ultimately I don't care if my BF doesn't come to dinner. He can stay home. And his parents clearly don't care if we visit, so I'm not going to.
Is it silly to end a decent and long relationship over my parents being hurt? I feel stuck in the middle here. Clearly his loyalty is to his parents, so mine should be to my parents right?