I (37F) suspect infidelity because I found condoms. Husband (38M) and I have not used condoms in years. What do I do next?
Edit:07 Aug
Reddit has the pitch forks ready!
Let’s put a few things in point form, again I’m not sodding around with grammar and sentence structure etc I just don’t have the time/energy.
yes I did speak to my partner, we did have a heart to heart. Many difficult things were discussed. The condom thing was discussed, he said no cheating and I believe him. I know this man, he got embarrassed when a massage therapist went too high up his thigh in front of me. He blushes in public if I say too flirty stuff.
Apologies it wasn’t crystal clear jeez 🙄no I did not abandon my family for 6 months, I called daily and kept in touch as much as I could. I also did office work for the business whilst I was away, withdrew some of my savings to spend on kids clothes/childcare etc.
I arrange my family back in UK to help my husband with looking after kids. My neighbours were helpful, the school mums also helped out, I was emailing the school to be kept informed on important issues. Heck I even arranged a few doctors appointments for my kids because husband isn’t familiar with the GP surgery/names etc
I did not want to leave the kids/husband but I had many obligations of which I cannot get into because I want to be anonymous. Main reason my sister went absolute pieces and could not function/plan for shit. I put my big girl pants on a showed compassion. If she died and I did not get closure, it would have been a big mess. My husband fully encouraged and supported me to go. He knows me. Originally I was supposed to be 2-3 weeks that was it, but that’s just life for you hey?
I have/used to work full time before this kids and paid my way 50/50 whilst managing the household.
post partum depression after having 3 kids in 4 yrs (all of them wanted pregnancies) had left me with low sex drive, not zero. Breastfeeding hormones and shit sleep will fck up what little desire you have for sex. We did have sex, but how many of you out there can have perfect sex lives with three kids under 5yes old running around day and night? Be realistic
when kids were babies, I did absolutely everything for them. Husband has very demanding job and he didn’t have boobs to exclusively breastfeed now did he? We were fine with this arrangement end of story.
I had several part time jobs over the years, I haven’t been one big fcking mooch parasite
husband isn’t a saint, neither am I. Good lord Reddit if it ain’t perfect, gotta throw it in the trash heap lol 😜
I’m being told that this is a creative writing exercise/fake blah blah… if I spent 3 hrs editing it and choosing the correct words/grammar people would still accuse me of BS
About 1x year ago things were so stressful I was thinking of going on a solo holiday because I was feeling so overwhelmed (I have not had a break from the kids since they were born, I have not been more than a few kilometres away from them). The universe sometimes gives you want you need (not what you want) I needed to face my mother, I needed a break from kids/life/depression. I do go to therapy and will continue to do so. Husband has expressed interest in going too as we need to talk about sex more.
We are going on dates more, we are talking more, we are being nice more, I am trying gdamn. This break has also shown the husband that looking after house and 3 kids is not easy either.
If I do find evidence of infidelity, real undeniable concrete proof, then yes I will be talking to lawyers. Right now, throwing away my marriage, ripping up kids lives just as I got back, etc etc is just not sensible. Things are not going to be fixed overnight, it took years to get in this state – it’s going to take a bit of effort and time to repair.
To the supporters, thank you! To the trolls, I’m so sorry you’ve been hurt. A lot of you are damaged and it’s sad. I hope you can all be happy one day
Peace ✌🏻
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UPDATE 06 Aug 2024
TLDR I found a ereceipt for the rubbers. They are his, no other obvious signs of infidelity
Hello all
Sorry it’s a long one
It’s been a little while. RIP my inbox, I read so many comments and messages; many or most of them were helpful. I was so shocked and frightened that I just could not think calmly or what to do next, all of you helped me, you really did and I am thankful.
Last week I had probably one of the most horrendous days of my life. Let me try to explain a bit more clearly what happened and what’s happening. I won’t give exact details to preserve anonymity.
I was away from my husband 38M and 3 kids for almost 6 months. This was because I had to go with my sister to help our mum. She had a severe stroke and was not expected to make it, my sister was in pieces (she still spoke with mum even though I didn’t). Husband encouraged me to stay, he helped pay for ticket.
Originally I was only supposed to stay there to pretty much help bury her and then come back after a few weeks. However she’s surprised us all by staying alive and recovering somewhat, anyway there were still complications with her recovery physically mentally financially and I could not leave. I did not want to go in the first place, I did not want to stay and I sure as shit didn’t want to deal with her. I had not spoken or seen my mother in about 17 years because of her addiction issues. I never thought I’d ever see her again and I had massive emotional trauma to deal with.
But you know what? I’m glad I went. I faced my demons and showed compassion I did not know I was capable of, whilst I shall never be buddy buddy with mum, it has done good for my psychological/mental health.
And I realise now… my mental health has been shit. For years. Even before the kids were born. My husband tried to help but I was stuck fast wallowing in a depressed funk, I blamed my mum for my poor mental health and let myself go (physically and mentally).
For years I’d been sinking further and further down and yes it affected my relationships particularly with my husband.
My husband is a hard working insightful generous man. He has always supported me, never laid a finger on me and I feel safe around him. He is and always has been an excellent father. He has his faults, don’t we all? But I love him and I know he loves me.
When I came back from my journey of rediscovery, my husband was expecting ‘the old me’. The depressed miserable bitchy moany not-sexy pessimistic me. I admit it to myself and it’s a hard pill to swallow – I think back at how I treated myself and my husband, the awful negative thoughts I had and I am ashamed.
Needless to say in all these years our physical/sex life was in the pits. Our marriage was crap. I admit it and I’ve cried all the tears I’ve had crammed up these past 17 years since I locked my hurt and pain away with my mother’s abandonment and abuse.
I lost weight on my trip (almost 15kgs!) I’m off my antidepressants and eating healthy (without even trying!) In the past few months I’m actually interested in the day and what it brings, I’m present for my children and I feel like I’m in control.
However, when I came back I had to not exactly grovel, but a big apology/explanation was owed and it was hard to get the words out but I said them and I meant them.
I was unpacking drawers and I found condoms. I have an IUD and we haven’t used rubbers in years and years. The expiry date on these condoms was 2027 so not a chance they were old. I am a bit shamed to say I did discreetly search his email/messges and found the receipt for them in Amazon, he did buy them about 1 month ago. Only one is missing and I noticed the toys had been moved so I am certain that he used it on himself. I did search for other suspicious items etc but there were none.
I did check messages and there is nothing suspicious. Nothing at all. My husband hasn’t been behaving suspicious and I think when I confronted him with the condoms I found he just blurted out a bs excuse and because of the distance between us he wouldn’t admit using them on himself (yet).
I also had a look at our finances and I am ashamed to see how hard my husband has been working to keep a roof over our heads. Nothing suspicious going on and we are lucky to have him so committed. I have sadly heard in other comments about how some people just dump the partner with kids when it gets too tough.
The fear I felt in that moment, that yes, he was cheating, was overwhelmingly real. I can see how my refusal to get help, not be physical and always a moany cow could push him away. I don’t see him starting another relationship, but I could see him maybe using a service. Maybe? I dunno.
So Will I throw away 15+ good years (mostly) away for this? No. I am going to do the best I can because these past years have been pretty fucking awful and he has been working so damn hard and I have just been… consumed with self loathing. I know I know I can’t take the blame for absolutely everything that’s gone wrong. However I’m starting with what I can. I have for the first time in a looooong time felt actually excited about what I can do with the future.
BUT I will definitely 100% be getting a job to make myself self sufficient. Cheating/divorce isn’t the only way a partner can leave you and this whole event has shown me a warning shot that I need to get a grip and find a job. I have also started some online courses to brush up on skills I haven’t used in years. I’ve updated my cv again (using AI software what a trip!) and I in fact already have an interview set up 2 weeks from now.
AND I will also discreetly consult a lawyer/citizens advice bureau to find out the ‘what if’ we get divorced because knowledge definitely is power.
And I must explain that I didn’t cry my eyes out and terrify the children like some comments suggested. There is no trauma, they’re fine and I’ve gotten a hold of myself. I cried once or twice coming out the bathroom and then went for a long ass walk to cry and try get hold of myself.
So… one condom missing from a box seems to be the catalyst for my life. Made me look at what is actually of value.
Whatever happens, I know I’ll be fine. I realise now how difficult things have been for my husband and how I wasn’t helping at all. The shame still makes me cry and I am hoping that’s a good thing actually, because I year ago I wouldn’t have given a shit, just would have done some more self-destructive behaviour probably.
Thank you all for your comments. Really. I really mean it, a lot of them helped me shake some sense into me and allow for self-reflection.
It is early days yet, but I am hopeful. My husband was smiling at me across the room the other day after I had done something for him and it’s the first time in ages I saw that. He said something flirty and I felt butterflies. Not disgust and contempt like a year or two ago.
Anyway. I have rambled a lot and I’m not going to edit this. Maybe I’ll update again, maybe I won’t. But yes again thanks so much for your help.
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Married 15 yrs have had an ok marriage, went a bit pear shaped after having 3 kids in 4 years (9f 7F 5M).
I found a box of condoms on the drawer after I’d been away for a while, he denies they’re his just said he accidentally found them in a box in garage somehow. It’s a pack of 30 and one is missing…
I am freaking out crying my head off my marriage is over I think.
What do I do next? How do I get a lawyer? I can’t afford one I’m a stay at home pastime time working mum with no savings. I don’t see us getting through this (he’s checked out I can feel it)
Oh god the pain the pain the pain I have never felt this pain, people driving by acting normal with their lives and I am dying agony inside.
I want to check his emails/messages but is that a bad idea? Sorry for a mess grammar I can’t see through the tears. Kids keep asking me why I’m crying 😭
Tldr found condoms in drawer, we haven’t used condoms in years. I suspect cheating, what do I do next?
Location UK