Sometimes I feel like I only have a weekend marriage. During the week, my husband works 12 hour days at a start-up, and then immediately wants to be on his phone to decompress. He’s a workaholic. Work gets ALL his energy and attention. He takes on a ton of extra responsibility because he says, “who else is going to do it?”
It’s really starting to affect me. I feel incredibly lonely and just want to see my husband at night. I want a normal marriage.
The hard part is I used to be just like him, but in the last year I’ve gone through a bit of an awakening, got a new job and readjusted my priorities. So while we used to be the successful, workaholic couple together, now it’s just him. Am I an asshole for asking him to change? Does anyone have advice? I feel like he doesn’t take my pleas to spend weeknight time together seriously.
4 comments
You guys started the marriage like this, then you found it within yourself to change.
Why is he not allowed the same journey and process?
You’re not an asshole for having feelings, but to try to talk him into changing is a bad move. Would you have appreciated that approach when you were a workaholic?
Regardless, tell him how you feel. Let him sit with the information. If he wants to change, he’ll change.
You are not an asshole for wanting him to change. I am glad that you have gone through the awakening, job should not be our #1 priority in life. It might be difficult to get him to change, it will take some effort. Try to plan something fun to do with him after work, once he finds some hobbies, he will spend less time on work. If he says he doesn’t have time, keep nagging him, that’s how my husband stopped me from being a workaholic.
There are a lot of factors in this.
How long does he have to make this 12 hour investment?
Is it worth it to him?
What are his alternatives? Will they provide the same potential, income, free time.
Marriage is full of negotiation and sacrifices. You guys have to work this out.
I’m currently going through something similar to this, my SO is a LEO and works weird hours, and sometimes is gone for longer than his 12 hour shift. When he gets home, all he wants to do is be on his phone or play video games. I understand the decompressing, but all the time? No. I have had multiple talks to him about it and how neglected I feel when he shuts me off, and for his credit he has been doing MUCH better (SLOWLY, but still progress) at making me feel like I’m needed. It’s gonna take a lot of communication and a lot of work on his end to WANT to steer away from the phone and focus on your marriage. Don’t scream or argue with him about it, bring it up more out of concern than resentment. Trust me, the other way doesn’t work and will only make him double down on the phone usage. I wish you luck, and hopefully he will come around. You deserve attention!