I was just talking to my sister’s neighbor (60m) and he was telling me about his life and how he used to be a boxer. He was talking about a situation that happened and it was kind of a long story, but I was definitely interested in hearing it. When he was done telling the story I just said “oh okay nice” in a pleasant tone. Then he went “well, I don’t wanna bore you though, I’ll talk you later!” To me that sounded like he thought I wasn’t interested in what he’s talking about because I didn’t respond with more, but if I’m just listening and understand your words what else am I supposed to say?
My sister (who was there) later told me a great way to show you care what someone’s saying is to repeat it back in your own words, so they know you actually took in the details of their story.
That was actually great advice for me because when I understand what you said and I genuinely have no questions it’s always an awkward silence.
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Basically what your sister said. Reflect on it in your own words. If you want you can ask some open ended questions or something. Also body language. Face them, eye contact etc.
In addition to the other advice: react animatedly while they’re telling the story. Not saying to a cartoonish level, but you know try and be a good audience. “Oooohh! Wow! Oh no! Dang, what happened next? Oofff.” etc etc. Storytellers LOVE a good audience, it’s practically half of why they’re telling the story in the first place: they wanna see your reaction!
Being a good audience in general is my go to when i want to engage with friends who are cracking hilarious jokes or telling gripping stories but i can’t actively participate for one reason or another (it’s their story, or my improv skills can’t keep up). They feed off your energy, helping with their confidence and commitment to the bit.
So yeah, practice expressing your emotional reactions to what they’re saying in real time. They’ll appreciate it, and if it’s coming from a genuine place they’ll appreciate the authenticity of your reactions. It also demonstrates that you’re engaged and actively listening, which is incredibly respectful.
Oh yeah, repeating back what they said is helpful. In some cases you can more or less say exactly what they said (“I had to travel for some of the matches; once I went all the way to Colorado”/”Oh- all the way to Colorado?”) or in your own words (“Wait, that far?”).
Relevant questions are great of course too. In this situation you may have asked him how long he was generally away from home, if/how he built up endurance to pain for a sport like that, if he’s tried similar things like mixed martial arts or wrestling before choosing boxing, or even sillier questions like if he had to replace his gloves often.
In the future, if you wanna show interest in his old hobby/career, you could always ask a specific question about his experiences being a boxer. Or if you happen to be in a group setting with him somehow, bring it up there if it can be squeezed in naturally. You might get bonus points for getting other people interested in what he has to say too. (“I love boxing but I’ve been having trouble making time for it lately.”/Oh yeah? I struggle to find time for my hobbies sometimes too. But hey, ‘person’ was telling me about how they used to box back in the day, too”)
^^Personally my friends love when I do this- whether they consciously know I’m doing it or not. It’s great when they have a funny story to tell (that doesn’t embarrass them) or if it gives them a pass to “brag” about something cool they did.
Eye contact helps. Occasional affirmative comments and head nods do, too. I also find repeating somethings while the story continues to be a great sign of paying attention. Posture is important, too. Lean slightly in the direction of the speaker. And then wrap it up with repeating what to you was the best or most interesting part. And probably most importantly, be sincere about it. I’m known in my circles as a really good listener. I use these techniques not as techniques but because I know they will help me do what I want to do…effectively listen to and connect with the speaker.
In the middle of what they say, reply back confirming what they said.
“Wait you went back in the car?”
Something like that. Even if you heard it perfectly, this is a good way to react actively while they talk. It shows interest.
Are you neurodivergent in any way? Like with ADHD, or ASD especially? I have found, in my own experiences with this, to engage in whatever way I can. It feels fake, but most people don’t get it unless you somehow obviously feign enthusiasm. If given the opportunity, I try to express to people that I really am interested, but don’t have anything to add to it at the moment. And as I absolutely loathe small talk, but have had to practice at it because most people are unable to engage in silence, I try to add a little quip or something else during the conversation. Facial expressions help a lot when it’s an almost one sided conversation like that. Having to consciously make those facial expressions may be exhausting at the end of the day, but are sometimes necessary, especially with older people who just don’t have enough personal experiences interacting with persons of the neurodivergent type. If these suggestions don’t help you, they might someone else. We live in a neurotypical centered society, and navigating can be grueling if we don’t have sufficient practice at it as neurodivergent persons.
Asking relevant questions to what they’re saying shows them you’re listening and interested in hearing more. Ask questions that give them an opportunity to provide more details, how they feel about it, etc.
You can paraphrase and ask questions to show that you are listening