Context…
I’ve been dating my partner for 1 year and 7 months and we’re both in agreeance that this relationship has been the most positive and loving relationship we’ve ever had (marriage and a future have been considered very heavily). So our relationship and connection to each other is extremely strong.
He comes from a family where weed is regularly and heavily used for recreational and medical purposes (although leaning towards recreational). He has also experimented with other drugs such as MDMA, Ketamine, and LSD with his friends and family. I come from a extremely conservative family so he’s been my first introduction to drugs (I’ve only done Weed, LSD, and Mushrooms). I’m also fare more weary of drug usage and usually keep it to a bare minimum, but I can understand how it can be helpful when used correctly. In comparison he’s open to trying new drugs with friends and enjoying whatever comes with it.
He rarely uses weed (gets high maybe once every 3 months) but whenever he does (mainly with his friends) I get very upset and uncomfortable and I’m not sure why. I’ve gotten high with him, but nobody else. So I’m not against weed. But for whatever reason when it’s with his friends I get extremely upset.
I do feel more comfortable and accepting if he tells me if he’s had an edible or smoked (I don’t cry or panic). But I still emotionally pull back away from him just to calm myself down.
It has almost broken our relationship twice and I still haven’t figured out a way to overcome this problem. I need help understanding myself because it’s only getting worse since I now rarely touch weed due to my uni studies. But I also don’t want to be constantly asking him “Did you do weed?” everytime he hangs out with his friends since I feel like that’s me being controlling and overbearing.
I really don’t want to break up with him, but the amount of anxiety is causing isn’t and I also have no desire in changing his behaviour since I believe that’s controlling..
I don’t know what to do, but it’s hurting us and our relationship.
Tl;dr
I feel extremely upset and uncomfortable when my boyfriend smokes weed with his friends. How can I change to be more accepting considering I see nothing wrong with it but still react negatively.
7 comments
Honestly I feel like only you can help yourself. You have to dig into the root cause of your feelings. Why do you get anxious or annoyed. When you feel those feelings really think and be honest with yourself. Only then can you work on eliminating those feelings.
It feels dishonest to say you don’t have a problem with them doing it, when you clearly do. You said that you are Leary about drug usage. Why are you?
Why do you react so negatively to pot?
Please don’t say you don’t know. I pose the question as an invitation to you to really think about it.
And if you can’t think of a good reason why you are literally *crying* at the thought of him doping, seek real help.
You have to figure out the root cause of your anxiety before you can deal with it. Try filling in some blanks. “If he smokes weed with his friends, I’m afraid that ________.” Spend some time thinking about that. It may be more than one thing. Once you figure out what you’re afraid of, you can figure out how to address it. So, say you’re afraid he’ll cheat. What’s the likelihood of that happening? Or maybe you’re afraid something bad will happen, like he’ll be injured or take some kind of drug that will cause him harm. Is that likely? What could he do to reassure you he’s being safe? Get to the bottom of your anxiety so you can deal with the specific fears you’re having.
What you need to do is figure out *why* this bothers you so much.
Sounds like when he uses weed in your company (which it sounds like may have happened only a couple of times?) you feel like you have control over proceedings, but when he does it with his friends when you’re not around you may get hit with all the paranoia about slippery slopes and reefer madness that your upbringing instilled in you.
Do you just feel generically, formlessly upset, or do you have specific feelings and fears about what *did* happen or what *might have* happened? Are you thinking “I can’t believe he did weed!” or are you thinking “I bet Bob tried to talk him into trying heroin too once he was high”, “I bet Cindy hit on him, I’ve never trusted her”, “did he drive home? Was that safe?”, “what if he’d run into a cop???”, etc.?
It sounds like he’s had maybe a half dozen opportunities to get high with friends while you’ve been together. Other than the upset you feel, have there been any negative results of these events? Are you responding to a history, or afraid of possibilities?
Well you do have a problem. even if you did disapprove, that sort of reaction is very much not normal. What are you afraid is going to happen, and do you have a therapist yet to help you overcome