Things are really not great right now. We’ve hardly said a word to each other today.
This year has been hard. We had a failed IVF attempt in 2022 after nearly 6 years of trying at that point. We’re now at year 8, and nothing. It’s a me problem in terms of infertility and even though I have come to terms with it, the level of guilt I feel is sky high. She doesn’t make me feel guilty, but I see the pain she’s in.
We’ve also had a hard year this year. Started off Feb this year of lots of fights and arguments which led to me having to cut off most of my very few friends because she wasn’t comfortable with them. I did what I could to make her feel involved and show her they were nothing more than friends but to no avail. Now, I have to actively avoid texting or chatting to them. We did talk about this situation to try make things clear and eventually she said that she will ‘just get on with it’ because I was so low and lonely but anytime she asks who I am talking to, I tell her the truth and it’s met with a look and coldness. Anyways, I’m kind of over that now and used to just being me and not replying on friends.
I guess this is why I’m here. I have no one else to talk to and although I could go see a therapist, I currently cannot afford it. I’m on and off a supply of antidepressants I got from the doctor in February which I stopped taking because she said it made me have ‘no emotions’ which led to me being accused of not caring. I take them on bad days for a few days and while I know that’s not how they work, maybe it’s placebo but I manage better that day.
We don’t have any intimacy and neither do I want to at the moment. Sometimes she makes a move and she sighs if I reject her advances so I just often do it anyways. It’s not that I’m not attracted to her, it’s just mentally I don’t feel like it. I know I shouldn’t but I don’t want her to feel worse which will make shit for me worse.
A colleague at work is leaving her partner of 10 years for stuff which is similar and she confided in me as her supervisor. I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous of her strength. I don’t think I actually want to leave my wife because I don’t want her to hurt and I worry how she will cope. I also don’t really have anywhere to go. I think deep down she loves me but I’m not sure what to do. I worry because she doesn’t feel good in herself and her image and I try to help and make her feel beautiful but I worry her low self esteem will ruin her. Also, we work in the same building and my job is probably the only thing in my life that enjoy right now.
I know I’ve just splurged loads of words all over this post and I don’t have the time to read it over to check it because the last thing I want is for her to see this.