Disclaimer, it’s 4am I have been up ruminating since 2am. I’m exhausted emotionally/physically and the following comments are about my real life. Please be kind.
I am a human!
I (f30) Need advice… married for a year and some change. We dated 8 years before that and I was very upfront with now husband (34) two things were absolutes for me. Marriage and kid. Singular. I’m talking this discussion was had like a year into dating.
I’ve always wanted to be a mother, I’ve worked a good part of my life to ensure that’s i could, I’m financially stable, multiple degrees, and we have a home in one of the greatest suburban areas in our state and I have never been unclear or wavering on the kid front. I would probably have a child on my own if I couldn’t find a partner.
I love my husband. Like annoyingly so. And admittedly I probably look past a lot of things because of this love. Like the negative kid comments. He doesn’t love them. Thinks my nephews are annoying whom I adore. Which, like yeah they can be. Sure. He also struggles with his nephew who has severe autism and is a handful for his sister who is a single mother. Which I also get. He has made comments about it being hard, and that it would be a life changing decision. Yes, I know both of these things. And yeah, I would need a partner who is down to do the hard thing. But I felt like we talked about it and I was clear no kids, it wouldn’t work and if he doesn’t want kids he doesn’t need to have them. It seemed to me (likely in my mind so maybe I’m just filling in the blank here) that he would have one child but it would be hard and I am nervous. I could work with that. I would probably have 3 kids if I had a partner up for it. But if one was all that was in the cards that was okay with me.
So, we were married in March of 2023 and things have been okay, but a struggle. Marriage is hard. I personally felt a lot of pressure of being married and ensuring I’m a “good” wife and also communication issues we’ve had because he is avoidant and I’m admittedly a yapper!
We attended therapy and it helped to give us tools for communication and I feel like we grew a lot from it. Therapist was a little wack though… and did say we didn’t need therapy?? And just needed to talk more. Also in therapy we did discuss the issue of kids and again seemed on the table but just a conversation we needed to have about when/logistics/about his concerns. I wanted to do the same honestly.
Also, another thing I should add that we also live in Texas and politically I’m not loving it, and really would like to move. He doesn’t want to because he claims I will be miserable without my close friends and family and because of his job here. Which I get, but like… could we have a conversation about it? Plan it? Do we really want to stay here forever?? He has also agreed to moving at some point possibly and has said he would like to live somewhere that aligned with both our political beliefs (he’s very political/left leaning) But he refuses to talk logistics. This will be important later.
Now to the issue, our last family event he made a comment while drunk that he wanted absolutely no kids. This was… awkward. And the first time he’s said it this way. His sister (also my close friend) snapped at him and said “well you know what you signed up for” to him point blank… because yeah. He kinda did. But I just got quiet and let it pass. It was also in front of both our moms. It was awkward and made me feel terrible.
On our way home I brought it up and asked pointedly, what’s up with that, and he said he is still on the fence… but that didn’t sound on the fence. Either way I said look you need to figure this out. For real. How about by the end of the year you give me a real/direct answer. Kids or no kids.
He asked, “well are you going to divorce me if I say no and go have kids with someone else?” And honestly I’m not sure what I would do. But I feel like I at least deserve an answer/all the facts. Like what are we doing here?
I know having a child is a big life altering decision, I do not want him to do it if he doesn’t want to do it.
But also NOT having a child is a big decision in my book too. And I have a time limit unfortunately. I told him this and also explained that I was worried he was waiting out.
He agreed that it was fair for him to actually give me an answer by then. He is a very slow/thoughtful person I’d like to add. I thought giving him time was a kind thing to do. I could have demanded an answer right then and there but usually he doesn’t do well under pressure/situations like that so I wanted to give him time and space to think.
Fast forward to last night we got into another discussion, he was upset and kinda rebuffed me and I asked what was going on. I added I’ve noticed he’s been upset for the past few weeks and he admitted the “ultimatum I gave him was stressing him out.”
I wasn’t trying to give him an ultimatum but I see now I guess that’s what it is. But like.. what am I supposed to do?? Demand an answer? Take his in-answer as an answer and divorce him. I even asked him how he would have preferred for me to handle the situation at hand. He didn’t really have an answer and said I had a fair point overall but he finally admitted he hoped I would have changed my mind about having children… Like what? He also brought up me wanting to move and kind of used it to be like we can’t do both… when would we do both? How? and I agreed, like let’s talk about it. Plan it. It won’t be easy. Neither would be easy. And I added it would especially not be easy with a partner who didn’t want to do those things so he needed to make some decisions and be upfront.
I’m just not sure what to do from here. Is this it??? Do I just call it. I love him. Maybe I would consider not having kids with him.. but also fear I would resent him for the rest of my life for it. And I wouldn’t want him to resent me for the opposite.
Anyone been in a similar situation who can give me some insight. I’m just so lost. Sad. Angry. All the feels.
TLDR: I thought husband and I were on the same page about kids, told him early on I’ve always wanted to be a mother, a year plus into marriage he’s on the fence and won’t give me an answer. What should I do?