Hi everyone,
I'm (38 F) reaching out because I've been struggling with some feelings of mistrust in my relationship, and I'm hoping to get some advice or perspective.
A bit of background: My partner ‘47 M’ has been incredibly loving, supportive, and invested in our relationship. However, TDLR before we started dating, he had a FwB that he was seeing regularly, even traveling together. During the initial period when he was courting me, I was in a mindset of just being friends, as I was recovering from a very manipulative and hurtful past relationship.
When we finally transitioned to a romantic relationship, I learned that he had been seeing this other woman while courting me. He assured me that their relationship was purely sexual and that he ended it before we became intimate. Despite his reassurances, I can't help but feel hurt and betrayed, as if he was using someone else while trying to win me over.
One additional detail that complicates my feelings is that his FwB had asked to evolve their relationship into something more serious because she had developed feelings for him. He refused and made it clear that he wanted to keep things casual. They agreed to continue their casual relationship until he decided to pursue something serious with me. This leaves me wondering why he didn’t refuse to continue their relationship altogether to avoid hurting her more later on.
Another aspect that troubles me is that my partner agreed to be exclusive with me even before we kissed, yet just few days before we officially started our relationship, he was still with her. I can't help but wonder if he would have continued seeing and sleeping with her if I hadn't asked for exclusivity. This lingering doubt makes it hard for me to fully trust and move on from this issue.
I know these events happened before we were officially together, but they still affect me. I keep questioning why he would be with someone else if he was truly interested in me. This feeling is compounded by my previous relationship where I was cheated on and manipulated, making it hard for me to trust fully again.
We've talked about this issue multiple times, and while he understands and tries to reassure me, bringing it up often makes him feel hurt and vexed. He has shown consistent commitment and love, and I genuinely believe he cares for me deeply. Yet, I struggle to focus on the present and the positives in our relationship, constantly ruminating on the past and feeling anxious.
I'm also aware that cultural differences might play a role in how we view these situations. Maybe this affects how I perceive relationships and fidelity.
I'm trying to find ways to redirect my thoughts and concentrate on the love and trust we've built. But it's a challenging process, and sometimes I feel stuck in a cycle of self-sabotage.
TL;DR: Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you overcome these feelings and rebuild trust? Any advice on how to handle these emotions and communicate with my partner without causing more hurt would be greatly appreciated.