hi everyone, this has been on my(19F) mind for a really long time and i feel like i haven’t gotten any real advice and my therapist hasn’t really been too helpful so far either. i’m typing this up on my phone so i apologize for the formatting.
i have had two real relationships and a lot more so-called “situationships,” and i’ve always wanted to find commitment, but haven’t always gotten it. for the sake of this post i’m going to call situationships and relationships just relationships. a lot of the relationships i’ve had in the past with men ended up being really hurtful and painful, and i’ve tried my best to grow from them, etc trying to understand where i went wrong in the relationship, and adding more traits that i will look for / red flags to be careful of in the future. but despite this, i haven’t had a lot of luck, and i feel really discouraged about it all. it’s really frustrating to hear things like “you’re the sweetest most caring girl i’ve ever met” from someone i’m talking to, but at the same time being mistreated by them. a majority of relationships ended in me not getting commitment, or being cheated on or something else. i feel like i could go on and on about all of the things that i’ve done for my past relationships and all of the abuse and mistreatment i received but i don’t want to gloat on that too much, and focus on the relevant stuff.
last year, i was talking to a guy(20M) and he seemed really sweet, like he’d offer to pay for my nails or take me out on a date, but he’d never actually go through on the things he said he would. he kept telling me that he’d eventually date me but anytime i brought it up, he’d always just postpone it to later. he also coerced me into sexual things i didn’t really want to do, and would always say things like he was going to use a condom but never did, and i ended up having a few pregnancy scares. eventually, he left me because he said he was having family issues. i believed him, and we agreed to stay “friends.” a couple of months later, he started acting touchy, calling me nicknames that he used to call me when we were together, text me everyday and text me at night, for days. he even mentioned that his family issues got better. so i thought we could be together again. but i found out from someone that he had a girlfriend, and it destroyed me. i waited for months and momths just for commitment, and now he had a girlfriend, and based on the timeline of when i found this out, it meant that she didn’t have to wait as long as me. it made me feel so small because what did i have that wasn’t enough? and he told me that i was the only person he told about the family stuff happening, but he never told the things to his girlfriend. that i was the only one who knew. my therapist hypothesized that he was an avoidant attachment and couldn’t choose to be with me because being with me meant he had to face his familial trauma, and being with her was “easier” because it was a surface level relationship. that was just a theory though. after that entire thing happened, i couldn’t believe that i let someone treat me so horribly, and couldn’t believe that my self confidence was so low that i accepted that treatment. i believe that you get what you think you deserve, and i couldn’t believe that i accepted that. so i wanted to focus on growing my confidence and wanted to focus on making myself like i deserved more. so i tried to take myself on fancy “solo dates” to make myself feel like i deserved men who would take me on dates and pay for me (because i’ve never had a man take me on a date where he paid, or honestly just even a date). and i really did try. i also started practicing abstinence where i entirely didn’t allow myself to get involved with men either physically, or emotionally. i did this so that i could find clarity instead of just getting attached and repeating the cycle. i do have a therapist and i’ve talked to her about this, but she doesn’t give me as much advice as much as she just listens and validates how i feel. i don’t think a lot of my friends understand either, so they can’t really give me advice. it’s just that i feel so unconfident and feel like i don’t deserve love, even though i desperately crave it.
i was looking through my younger sister’s stuff today because i was looking for a chocolate to eat, and i found a box and i opened it to look for chocolates, but they weren’t there. as i was closing the box, i noticed that it had a note from my sister’s boyfriend and it said “free coupon to redeem for any date you want” and it had a bunch of date ideas on it for her to choose from. i wasn’t purposely snooping and i closed it, but it hurt my heart because they’re in highschool and he does so much for my sister, like introducing her to his parents, paying for her, i swear his family gave her stuff that was worth 250-300 dollars, and it feels like guys don’t even want to take me on a date or even do anything that involves paying for me. but it’s not about money, i’d be so happy with a paper bouqet but it feels like men just aren’t willing to put in the effort, and it makes me feel so heartbroken and small because i’ve never gotten a gift from a guy i was dating, never got a date, just being treated so badly, and i’d be the one making those coupons, but i just want to be on the receiving end for once. it makes me feel like i’ll never find the love that i want, and that i don’t deserve it, because that’s all i’ve been shown in my life. i know a lot of older people in this sub might tell me i have a lot of time and i deserve love, but that’s not my problem, my problem is BELIEVING that i will find it, and that i do deserve it. i want to make myself believe it, but everytime i try to be positive, it’s like my brain puts up this weird resistance and doesn’t want to believe it, because i’m scared of getting hurt again(?) and i’m not sure how else to explain it. how do i believe that i deserve love and will find it?
tldr: my bad experiences with men have lead me to believe that i’ll never find love/be treated the way i want to be treated, and i want advice on how to convince myself that i deserve love and will find it.