I’m not sure what I’m expecting out of writing this, I guess I’m just looking for some advice.
I (22F) want to start off by saying that I am very much a hopeless romantic. I always have been. I recently have been watching and reading a lot of romantic pieces. I’m not sure if the romance films and books have been feeding into my frustrations, which is why I started doing what I do now – I keep a note in my app where I write down all my frustrations with things my husband (23M) says or does.
Bottom line, I feel like I should be treated better. But because of the romantic shit that lives in my brain, on the television screen, and in pages of a book, I don’t know if I’m expecting and desiring too much – or something that doesn’t exist at all.
Tonight, he told me that I need to tell him when I want something done. He told me this while he was playing with my hair, at my request. I told him that if he knows what I like, given that we’ve been together for 5 years, that he should just do it himself. He said his brain doesn’t work that way.
I also feel that he love bombs me. I try to be understanding and think maybe he does this without realizing because of his mental health or something, but it’s so exhausting to be showered with love and then the next day go back to normal.
I do all of the cooking while I’m working, as I have a work from home job, and he tells me he doesn’t know how to cook – as if I don’t just follow a recipe. If I don’t cook, he orders out and it concerns me for his health, so I’d rather just cook. But I don’t get a day off from it. For example, I cooked for him and his older brother when we were trapped inside and sick with COVID.
I take care of our cats. I’d say the cleaning is split 50/50; besides him forgetting to put the toilet seat down from time to time, leaving items where they don’t belong after moving them, leaving cupboards and drawers open. I also make sure our doors and windows are shut and locked, as I have woken up two or three times now with either our front door or back door, completely open or unlocked. It makes me feel that he has no regard for our safety. But he has never really made me feel safe – I have always been the one to go to the store by myself, grab our food by myself – even when we first started dating.
He works a semi-opposite schedule to me. He starts around 3PM, and I am off at 6PM. He gets home around 11:30PM, and I am always sure to say hi and greet him when he comes in the door. He never returns the excitement or energy; sometimes he doesn’t even look at me, never mind respond verbally. I’ve asked him before why he does this, and he just says that he’s tired after work, or because it’s what he wants to do. Then he’ll get himself ready for relaxing, and play his video games. I feel like he has it so easy with this schedule; just work and video games – getting his food and drinks delivered to him after I’ve prepared them, having a clean space to come home to and cats that are taken care of. I even socialize with his family more than him because I’m more likely to respond to them than he is, they say.
I can’t think of a single argument we have had where he has been the one to apologize. I have financially supported him while he wasn’t working, simply because he didn’t feel like it. This was around the time of our wedding, and he has the audacity to tell people that he took the time off from working to plan the wedding. He had absolutely nothing to do with planning our wedding – when in reality, I did it all with the help of his mom and my own. I also did his school work for him and practically got him his associates degree. He has called me stupid before, and has slapped me before, but both incidents were around the time we first started dating. Nothing has happened in the past 3-4 years to those extents.
Like I said, I’m not really sure what I’m looking for with this post. I think some insight, advice, and reassurance would be great.
Do you think my head is just in the clouds, and his words/actions are appropriate?
It just felt good to rant. So if you read all this, thank you.