I've found myself in a position where I'm pretty sure I'll just be alone forever. I'm 31 and haven't had a friend since probably high school. Like, not a single person I could call to hang out with or even play video games with. I used to be severely depressed (I definitely still am but I honestly don't feel like it).
In life, in every situation, I feel like an outsider. Say I'm at a party or bar and people are laughing, dancing, having a good time. It feels like I'm an alien observer watching these things happen but I don't understand where their happiness or passion comes from. If I do interact, I'm faking it so that I'm not taking away from everyone else's good time. Like I'm doing a case study on humanity and I use empathy to attempt to feel these things through other people rather than experiencing it myself. It's not a good feeling.
When I do genuinely try to interact with someone one on one, it's obvious I have no life experiences to draw from and no friends, which is extremely off-putting to other people. I haven't socialized in so long that I just don't know how anymore and this all culminates in a negative feedback loop that makes it impossible to make friends.
Not really sure what I hope to gain from this post but it feels nice to put things into words. I know I need to remedy this soon but I just can't imagine how. Like, when people give advice like go to a bar or use meetup to find local groups, I don't even know how to begin approaching these things. I can't see myself engaging in conversation; previous awkward experiences usually just make me not engage. I rarely feel interested in anything anybody talks about which obviously comes across as off-putting. I just feel like I'm stuck, forever.