Chapter 1: TL;DR I’m emotionally distanced from my family (parents & sibling) today than ever. I don’t feel the same happiness and concern for them that I felt a few years ago. I don’t enjoy this feeling.
Dad: My dad is 62 years old and lives with my mom in my home country. They are separated in principle but live as roommates and are care takers of each of other. They don’t get along and have had issues since I was 10. They are not even friends. I have always had my share of issues growing up with my dad but never get this intense sense of disconnect. He was always secretly gay and I was the first one to find out when I was 15. I was heartbroken that he would cheat on my mom with unknown men but also because I was confused about my own sexuality at that time. It made accepting myself very difficult and to this day, he often uses Grindr and the response I receive is it’s his personal life. He also never took good care of this health and never exercised and has a plethora of health issues – possibly been in the hospital too many times a year – heart disease, diabetes, kidney disease, dialysis, and now needs both knee replacement. I have been asking him to exercise and workout for at least 20 years now but he just won’t. He’s been in the ICU too many times a year now and it’s such a stressful time each time. The only time he could finally come visit my home in 10 years, he got covid and ended up with complications in the hospital for a month. It’s not that I don’t care about him but he needs to put in his best effort to take care of his health which I don’t think he does. Given we don’t live in the same country, I had a 24 hour caregiver signed up for him but he let him go after one week. He’s very iffy about money. He lost a big chunk of retirement savings to scammers. Who would have thought that the man who warns you about every scam in the world would fall prey to one? Now, he needs a total knee replacement in both knees that puts the mortality rate pretty high. I might have to travel again to help him out for a few weeks. Given his health condition, my mom can’t leave him by himself and hence is unable to come visit me.
This repeated cycle has left me feeling very emotionally drained and I no longer feel any emotions of excitement or joy for him. Is this the new normal? I always knew I never had the dad I wanted but now I feel that reality just hit me. On top of it, since my mom needs to be with him all the time, I hate that she can never come visit me. Every time we plan on a trip for her, he always ends up with a health crisis. I feel helpless.