I 20(f) am in a relationship with my bf 22(m). He and I get into arguments about things a lot and it can be really draining. We are currently long distance due to him being on deployment. We have broken up in the past but recently have began talking again via FaceTime and text for about 3 months. Recently in our relationship I often feel confused on where I stand with him
If I’m sad or upset and I confine to him about it he tries telling me what I should do to “fix” it and lists “solutions” on how to “solve” the problem. When I’ve said sometimes I’d like it if he’d comfort me instead.
Another thing he does is put down my interests if I say I like something he says it’s stupid. I tell him what I made for lunch he says it sounds disgusting. Then he props up my dislikes for example if I say I hate olives he says he loves them if I say I don’t like (insert random person’s name) he says that maybe they’ve changed. Stuff like that. He does not do this all the time but still.
Lastly I’ve asked him to tell me what qualities he likes about me and he always says “because you’re you.” When I tell him I can list multiple things I love about him and that it hurts me that he can’t come up with one thing he says he’s not a child and doesn’t need to explain when the explanation is simply because I’m me.
The issue is everytime I get upset and explain that the way he speaks to me makes me feel infantilized or disrespected he says things like “no one is trying to make you feel bad” or “I think you’re perceiving what I say as disrespectful when it’s not.” The conversation normally ends like this. I get angry or cry. He remains calm throughout until he gets mad and hangs up.
I explain why I’m upset and ask for an apology. He either gives an insincere apology or says the things I listed above. Then because I’m exhausted from going back and forth I drop it and the cycle continues. Even though I know he does love me I genuinely feel like despite what he says he doesn’t really like me. But suddenly out of nowhere he will bizarrely obsessed with me and begins love bombing me. We both struggle with mental health issues so I do know that some of his behavior has to do with this. But I just can’t tell if I’m really being over dramatic or not. I’m a very emotional person and I cry at a lot of things so I’m really not sure what to do here. We have been through many painful experiences together and many happy experiences as well. He has also gone out of his way to help me in the past whenever I needed. I am not perfect either and have my own faults so it’s not just a one sided situation where I am a doormats who is constantly being treated like shit by my bf.
So I don’t want to hear someone say to break up I just want a real solution.
TL;DR my bf and I get into augments about how I feel disrespected. When I explain to him how i feel he says phrases like “no one is trying to make you feel bad,” “I don’t gain anything from hurting your feelings” or “I think the way your perceiving what I say is hurtful when it isn’t” I cant tell if I am over reacting to these thing or if he is manipulating me. Chat am I cooked?? 😮