I am at a loss here, we have been together 4yrs+ and we were on a date Saturday when the conversation about family came about.
My bf and I have pretty drastically different family life’s.
What I mean is I am an orphaned former foster child, while he is the black sheep of his family.
He asked me specifically what I thought about his family because he brought up marriage.
TBH because I have no family to share that moment with therefore I am willing to do anything he wants in that aspect whether that’s getting married by the courts or have a whole ceremony.
Then he brought up his little brother and how he feels like maybe we shouldn’t have a big wedding because his brother will have an ever bigger one .
So my bf doesn’t really see his family although financially they have and do support him.
I don’t comment on my bf’s family life because I don’t have anything good to say.
I feel like he is prideful and wouldn’t take it well at all and that is exactly what happened on Saturday.
he asked me for my honest opinion on his family and at first I didn’t want to give it to him until he kept on asking and I caved.
I told him that his interactions with his family are transactional, that they definitely favor little brother because he did exactly what they wanted while he went the complete opposite direction. i.e: Got into drugs, left his promising baseball career, didn’t go to college and pretty much is very very low contact with his family cine he moved out in 2016-2017.
I told him I know it hurt him that his family plan family vacations with his little brother all year round and he is never included nor acknowledged.
Well this did not go down well, he stormed out of the restaurant and I had to uber home while he waited for me in his car because I had the house key.
I know he feels like I attacked him but he asked me for my opinion now I feel bad and don’t know how to approach him without myself getting defensive and blaming him for asking for my honest opinion…
Should I keep waiting to talk about this? or should I sit him down today and talk to him?
8 comments
wait so you insulted him and haven’t apologized and are upset that he isn’t talking to you?
Do you like walking on eggshells because if you marry this guy you will be doing that the rest of your life. Nothing you described here was particularly hurtful, did he say what specifically he is upset about or is he trying to make you guess?
There are a lot of red flags here, you should proceed in this relationship with caution.
Sounds like he has a lot of growing to do based on the information given. The opinions you’ve “kept” from him I’m sure came from a place of love. He seems to know that you’re correct (based on just the info given) but can’t quiet handle hearing it a loud. That is entirely a him problem that he needs to deal with in his own time. It seems there’s some impass here where you revert back and stay in this whoa is me attitude or you progress and continue to grow without him.
He asked what you thought and you were honest & said it as kindly as possible from the sounds of it. People don’t always like to hear the truth, even if they ask for it. Don’t blame yourself, or feel bad either– you didn’t attack him at all, even if he claims you did. He needs to separate reality from his feelings and realize that the reality of the situation can be different than how he feels it is.
Definitely talk to him more, communication is key in relationships.
Wow, that sounds so stressful and exhausting. That is a LONG time for him to give the silent treatment. The thing is, he asked for your opinion. He pushed you to give it. And now he’s punishing you because he got upset. That is not how you communicate. That is not even communication. If he wants to be in a marriage, issues of family will necessarily come up. Tough, stressful, uncomfortable issues. And he needs to figure out a way to discuss them. Couples therapy is a good option if you continue in this relationship together.
For me, though, this is a big ol’ red flag. One of the boundaries I have in my relationships is that the person can’t just disappear on me. That means no ghosting, no passed out drunk repeatedly, and no silent treatment for days. I need to be able to rely on my partner and disappearing acts like these mean the person is unreliable. I also have to trust that we can have difficult conversations without it blowing up. That means no screaming matches, no name calling, and being able to sit through discomfort and hear the other person out. To me, these are *fundamental* and non-negotiable in a relationship. You have you decide what your minimum boundaries are for yourself.
BF needs some therapy to come to terms with his toxic family.
>until he kept on asking
He shouldn’t be asking questions he doesn’t want answers to. However, can you really see yourself spending your entire life with someone who can’t talk or perhaps even *think* candidly about their family?
>he stormed out of the restaurant
This is unacceptable.
>he still hasn’t talked to me.
This is also unacceptable.
I’m quite a bit older than you, so perhaps my boundaries are more calcified, but I would be done with the relationship right here.
If you want to be the kindest heart ever, give him one singular change to apologize to you for his toddler behavior, and explain to you how he’s going to adjust things so that these kind of communication failures do not happen again.
Don’t be shocked if such an apology is not forthcoming.
He did three really bad things here: 1) Pushing and pushing you until you were forced to say something. 2) Storming off and literally abandoning you. 3) Giving you the silent treatment for days.
At this point, he has a lot more to apologise than you do. You have to set some hard boundaries about how he is not allowed to treat you, even when discussing a difficult subject.