My (26f) boyfriend (24m) and I fight constantly, or at least that’s how it feels. He’s been super clingy lately and it’s turning me off. He wants to have sex 2x a day every single day. And when I don’t want to he is offended and makes it very clear that he still wants to. He’ll stay irritated with me about it until I give in. But I just don’t want to have sex that often.
We have a 1 year old, and I have a full time job working 4am-1pm. When I come home I always help clean the house and care for our baby to give him a break. But then he ends up going to sit in our room on his phone and walking out to smoke cigarettes, while I end up taking care of the baby (what feel like) alone. If i want to text a friend or use my phone, he says I’m not paying attention to him…but I’m just trying to take a break for like 20min.
He has a part time job in the spring-fall doing yard work, but doesn’t make much from it. I’ve talked to him about doing other things but there’s always an excuse. He’s brought up that if I would quit my job and help him do yards then we would make more than I do now. But I’m not keen on the idea of spending my days doing yard work for other people, nor am I comfortable with leaving a stable income. But he’s basically blaming me for not having more money and not being further in life because I “don’t encourage him”. I just don’t see why *I* have to help in order for it to be successful. I wish he had the drive to do it without me.
We also have the problem of differing love languages. His if physical touch and mine is gifts and words of affirmation. I just want him to tell me I’m pretty and buy me flowers sometimes. I don’t get birthday or Mother’s Day gifts. I brought it up after my bday this year, and he said he didn’t get me anything because he didn’t want to use the money I make on my present. I told him he could have at least made breakfast, did a craft with the baby for me, or wrote me a card. Then he just went on bashing himself saying how bad of a boyfriend/person he is. Then I have to de-escalate his emotions and tell him he’s not a bad person.
He’s started saying things like “you’ll probably call me a dead beat dad in the future” and other things that make him self-loathe so that I have to make him feel better. If I don’t try making him feel better he says I don’t care. But I can’t force him to be happy with himself. He’s stopped taking care of himself and doesn’t eat right, so he’s dropped to like 160lbs. I’m 190 and i feel like I’m going to break him. I don’t feel the same attraction as I used to when he was bigger…I’ve talked to him about working out so that he feels better about himself and improves his health but he won’t. I feel like I make all the sacrifices to try and make him happy, but it isn’t reciprocated.
TL;DR – is my relationship worth saving if we have major differences and both feel like the other person doesn’t try hard enough?
4 comments
You don’t have to have the same love languages but you have to be able to recognize and respect each one. This guy sounds toxic to be honest. I would have left already if I were you.
You sound like a single parent already. Imagine how much easier it would be if you only had to manage the baby, and not this adult who refuses to work on himself.
Do not ever have sex you don’t want to have. His behavior towards sex is coercive and abusive. You are not responsible for his mental health so please stop catering to that, you do not HAVE to make him feel better. If his self esteem is suffering then HE needs to work to fix that—that’s why it’s called SELF esteem.
He’s clingy because he expects you to fix his issues and you’re finally to the point you’re resenting him for it. He either manages his mental health or you leave the relationship.
Get him in a low stress time, not right before bed, and have a big talk with him. Tell him you want to make life better, and see if he complies. Breaking a relationship is a big step with a kid, and it’s worth it to see if he’s gonna change. There are several topics. Tell him that he needs to work on solutions, not problems, and to be nice.
1. On sex, can he reduce your workload? Can he be more romantic to you? Can he seek out alternate methods of satisfaction, like porn, or sexy photos of you?
2. On attention, have you equalized hours of introverted time alone and work? You should talk about chores. Is there anyone else who can help? Could you buy electronic goods to speed up chores? Could you adjust work hours? Can you find superior methods of relaxation. Talk it out.
3. What’s the best financial plan for the future. Can he find more work, or is his job better? Plan out all the mathematics on this. Maybe he’s right, maybe you’re right. Work out what is financially feasible. Could you reduce bills?
4. He needs to work on his depression and motivation. He shouldn’t blame you for not encouraging him, or him being unhappy. Could he seek out online therapy or support groups for his eating issues?
5. Anything he wants to talk about.
Have a long, in depth talk about everything. If he’s a reasonable person he’ll be able to talk. Don’t judge, don’t blame, just work it all out. If he’s not willing to talk you can’t do much.