My boyfriend and I have been together for 1.5 years, and throughout this time I’ve come to realize that he is very conflict-avoidant, so that may be why he is making up these “lies”.
We’re doing long-distance now and visit each other once every 1-2 months as air tickets are pretty expensive. Currently it’s been 2.5 weeks since we’ve seen each other and yesterday on a video call with him I asked if he’s had a wank in these 2.5 weeks (I know he did for sure, but just wanted to touch on the topic as I was feeling horny). He replied “Of course,” and I asked him if he’s watched anything to help him cum. He said he only imagined me giving him a blowjob, and us having sex, and when I asked if he was sure, he said yes 100% but he was obviously lying (I could tell by how defensive he was). I asked a little more, if he watched porn, but he insisted he didn’t. For context we’ve had a conversation before about porn and how we both wouldn’t watch it (personal preference) but even if he did it was OK no big deal to me.
It bothered me so I asked again and told him I felt like he was not being honest with me (gut feeling) and I needed to know if he was telling the truth. He absolutely denied it and changed the topic to something else, became dismissive, told me he was tired and wanted to go to bed. I stayed quiet for a while but at this point was feeling quite shitty because I felt like he was still not being honest with me. At this point it’s not about whether he watched porn or not but that he felt he should lie about it. At the end of the phone call he then admitted that he did watch porn to help him cum. So not only did he lie once, he doubled down on that lie, then tripled down on it. THEN, when the truth came out, he said sorry he lied, and proceeded to go to bed.
I got so upset. I guess I could get over the initial lie, and I honestly don’t even care that much if he had watched porn (although I guess I would have been a bit irritated cause of our agreement, but certainly not overly upset or angry though). But the repeated lying right to my face was really a dealbreaker.
In the past (about 6 months into our relationship) he’s had a business trip to Vietnam where one night he went out to a bar to have drinks and got tipsy. Long story short he chatted up a hooker past midnight and they ended up talking throughout the night, where he offered to walk her home, gave her a hug and offered her some money for her time chatting with him (because it was a working night for her) to end the night. He didn’t tell me about this till I sort of found out something was fishy, and that was 3 months after that incident happened. He said he only told me later on as he was afraid of me being angry at him over this. He insisted it was really nothing, nothing shady happened and he went back to his hotel afterwards. We went through this conversation multiple times of me asking him if he was being honest with me and that nothing sexual or any cheating happened, and all of those times he’s insisted that he was telling the truth. He’s also
cheated in his previous relationship before by going to a massage place that offers sex and blowjobs after and engaged in those, but said that he has learnt and will never do anything like that ever again. This incident in Vietnam really hurt me deeply and affected my trust in him, but I decided to believe him and work on rebuilding the trust together.
Now that this new lie happened I don’t know if he’s lied to me about the Vietnam incident or any other things that has happened before. It hurts me so deeply because I do love him very much.
Are fuck ups like this normal? What should I do?
TL;DR BF lied about something dumb and inconsequential, but he lied repeatedly about it until I found out.