Tl/dr my ex cheated and now im in horrible pain that i really just need help coping with it
Me (23 f) have dated my boyfriend 3 years now almost 4 at this point but now i just feel so dumb, like dumbest iv ever felt to believe he really loved me ever. I caught him cheating on me today and he proceeded to follow me while i tried to get away from him, yelling about how im a cheater, im worthless, this is why they (my ex) cheated on you, no one loves you, i hope you die, you will never find someone because you unlovable, ect, ect. Then hed proceeded to tell me that he loves me and just wants to know what was wrong. I ended up getting picked up by my friend and he followed us in my car that he wasnt ment to be driving to pronounce how much he loved me more….i stayed with her while he got his stuff with my mom making sure he didnt trash the place. He proceded to take multiple stuffed animals that hed smuggled out with his clothes that held sentemental value to me like my teddy bears i got from my dead grandma and grandpa along with gifts hed given including a very special dog stuffy that iv had 4 years and have taken everywhere… (luckily his mother found them and is returning them). This isnt a post on how to fix this as you must know by now but how do i cope? Im so sad and hurt and now hes gotten in my head that maybe this was my fault. Ik i shouldnt feel that way but he picked at all my insecuritys and now its unraveled… how do you cope after 4 years of doing everything together only to realize that in truth it was probably all a lie? Sorry its rambly
I really need help coping with it all because now hes in my head and it just keeps hurting more and more
2 comments
I was cheated on as well. I know how painful it can be, OP. I’m sending you many virtual hugs.
Have you ever considered that, maybe, he’s never meant for you, after all? Because if he truly loved you, cheating wouldn’t even cross his mind.
It is not your fault he cheated. If he was unhappy, he had choices that didn’t involve infidelity. He could’ve spoken to you about his unhappiness and attempt to fix the problem. He could have left you. Instead he decided to stray from the relationship.
His behaviour when you were leaving tells me that he is not a stable person. It’s good that you left. In time, you will be able to see how much strength you have.
Breakups create a form of grief. Right now you’re feeling deep sorrow. It is likely that you will cycle through a series of intense emotions including depression, anger, denial, guilt, and hopelessness. These are awful emotions to feel but they do pass in time. They ease up in time. And you have what it takes to make it through this grief.
At this moment, the pain is extremely new and fresh. It’s probably going to feel like you’re missing a body part or two for at least a few days, but this immediate tsunami of agony is not permanent. It’s going to start receding, and you’ll be more capable in a few days. In a few weeks, you’ll have recovered even more.
As you are walking through this grief, there are things you can do to help the process along. Don’t feel pressured to do any of this immediately… the first few days may just be a lot of crying and talking/writing out your emotions, and that’s okay.
Self-care: This looks different for everyone. It is okay, at times, to distract yourself with sensory pleasures. If you like to take baths, take lots of baths. Luxuriant ones, with bath bombs or salts or bubble bath. (If you don’t have much money, I can share some recipes for bath stuff that can be made quite cheaply at home.) If you like music, listen to allllll the music. If you like video games, play your faves. Read books you love. Watch movies that bring you comfort. Eat stuff that makes you feel warm and good.
Self-honing: Bad relationships and breakups tend to damage our self-esteem, especially if cheating is involved. Take time to invest in your skills, knowledge, passions and abilities. The intent is not to “fix your weaknesses” but to develop your strengths. You have gifts, like everyone does. It will help you, in the long run, if you make some time to work on them as you walk through this grief. And it’s okay if it’s tiny baby steps. If you only have 2 minutes a day where you feel like you can learn something, that’s okay. Do 2 minutes. Maybe next week you can do 5. Bit by bit, you **are** going to recover.
If you can find a way to care for yourself, to indulge yourself in some extra comfort, and also put a bit of time into honing yourself, this breakup grief is going to wash away a bit easier.
If it’s possible, you may want to seek some form of therapy or counselling. It doesn’t have to be sitting on a couch in a clinical setting. Some therapists do walking therapy, or art therapy, or music therapy… I suggest this because being cheated on is typically a traumatic experience for people. I want you to have the best chance at healing up from this experience that, again, **was not your fault**.
I’m so sorry you’ve been through something so terrible and heartbreaking. I wish you all the best in the healing journey ahead.