My husband (34M) and I (32F) have 3 kids (6M, 4F 10 monthsM). We live in a rural community and had to travel to the city for me to get some major medical treatment. I’ve been really sick for some time and have needed the surgery for a long time but it had to be postponed because my kids all got pneumonia. The plan was for him and the kids to stay with his parents whilst I was in hospital. Leading up the surgery, both my sons got sick. My oldest just had a cold, but the baby had high temps and projectile vomiting. I contemplated postponing again, but my doctor advised that was too risky for my health. I felt awful about having to leave the boys, especially my baby. My husband had wanted to go to somewhat of a social event the day after my surgery. It was a bit of a drive. He promised me that he would be home for the kids in the evening. I was still in hospital, his mum & dad would be with the kids during the day. I wasn’t happy about it, I told him that I didn’t think that a social hobby should be a priority. He made the decision to go anyway.
Here’s where it gets complicated. After my surgery, I was in recovery and they couldn’t get my pain under control. I was in a really bad way. After hours of me being inconsolable, they decided to try a stat dose of something really strong followed by a PCA pump. I had an adverse reaction to the large dose. I went in to respiratory distress, and became unresponsive. Blood pressure and HR sky rocketed, which is dangerous as I have an existing heart condition. They managed to stabilise me, but after that I was catatonic for some time. I was also having intense hallucinations during that time. By the time I was able to communicate, I was quite upset and was apparently crying out for my baby. That’s really unusual for me. I’m usually pretty stoic. My doctor has known me for a while and he knew that if I was that distressed, something was seriously wrong.
My husband brought the baby up that night to see me but left the kids with MIL because I was still quite unwell. I told him that it was really important to me that he didn’t leave the kids overnight without one of us. This was the first time I had really been away from the baby. I had at most left him for 2-3 hours.
Yesterday, he went to the social event. He decided to go back to our house before going to his parents. I felt like something was fishy, so I asked if he was planning on staying at our house. He said yes. I got upset and told him that I was not comfortable with that, and I wanted him to be with the kids. He told me that he would drive to his parents and I didn’t hear from him after that.
When he came to get me from hospital this morning, I asked him what time he got back to his parents and he told me 12:30am. He told me that he was really tired from having to drive so late.
We picked up the kids from his parents and drove back to our house this afternoon. When we got home, I realised that his overnight bag was already in the house. I was the first person in the door. I asked our oldest son if dad was at Nana’s house when he woke up. He said no, but he came over later.
I asked my husband if he had lied to me about where he slept and his response was ‘damn right I did’. We started arguing, during which time he said I was controlling and that he lied to avoid a fight.
I’m still in a lot of pain, and when I’m upset I typically need some alone time to feel a little bit more composed. My husband knows this about me. Eventually I walked out to the kitchen and I hear my daughter telling my husband that he needs to apologise for hurting my feelings. He said he was sorry, so I asked what he was specifically apologising for. He has said that he only needs to apologise for the lie, because nothing else that he did was wrong.
He is adamant that he is not in the wrong and that he has the right to make decisions about the kids care. Whilst I do agree with that, I don’t think we should ever explicitly disrespect the other parents wishes about the kids. The event he went to was not compulsory or a work commitment. Given how sick I had been, I also think it’s fairly irresponsible to drive hours away with poor phone service. Anything could have happened and he wouldn’t have been around.
The cherry on top of my frustration sundae is that I realised just before dinner that no one had done homework with my son over the weekend. It’s usually set on a Friday, but he got his on Thursday so has had an extra night. He’s just been diagnosed with vision impairment and has new glasses, but we also suspect he may be dyslexic. I’m trying really hard to keep him positive and engaged with his school work. But tonight we had to sit and complete all the homework in one go. He really struggled with that, I wasn’t feeling well and it was pretty shitty for both of us if I’m being honest.
I don’t feel like I can rely on him now, and it does raise questions about how trustworthy he is. He was caught in the lie but has also back tracked and said that I never told him that I didn’t want him to go to the event.
Our conversations just keep going around in circles. I don’t know how to move forward from this and still feel like he’s reliable. It doesn’t feel like he understands the significance. I don’t know how else to convey my frustrations, especially when I am already so exhausted.
I understand that people will probably have very strong opinions about this, but I do just ask for kindness. It’s been a rough few days, I’m still in a lot of pain, and I’m not going to make any rash decisions whilst I’m in a vulnerable position.