I'm gonna try and make this as short as I can but it's not gonna be short.
We've known eachother for very close to 2 years, been seeing eachother (friends but clearly more than friends) for a year and a half and have been official for about 5-6 months.
We've had our first fight or anything of sorts. We've both been very gentle and understanding in our relationship and just hasn't led to really any arguments. Well now we're in one. I fucked up. No I didn't cheat and it's not even related to our relationship itself. Again to try and make it as short as possible. A discord server that's just the hangout spot for me and my online gaming group. We make some dark humor, also sometimes the N word is said from us. We have a variety of races in said server. However, I am white. Usually in the context of something like "Whats up nas", "Yall nas need jesus". Things of sort, never in a derogatory or hateful way.
Well me and a now ex longtime online friend got into a fight and they took it upon themselves to firstly talk shit about my relationship but than also try to ruin it by screenshotting this stuff, finding my girlfriend on tiktok, getting her number from her and then sending her this stuff. My girlfriend being puerto rican…isn't happy and morally, doesn't like it. So much in fact, our first phone call after her finding out. She had said she was "fighting between her morals and everything she believes in and the guy she's been falling for over the last year and a half"
Now I have reflected and realized yeah…I shouldn't be saying it, was conforming to a crowd and have been spending less time around those in the server who do say it. I don't even say it irl at all, not even with other friends who also have a similar sense of humor or even in songs. I'll admit I occasionally mess up and say it with music but I try not to. This being said, you can imagine yes. My girlfriend was very caught off guard and isn't happy.
She asked for space or a "break". It's been 3 weeks with damn near no communication. The Saturday after she found out she was going out to celebrate something for her cousin and she basically said "Not sure I should being telling you but think you deserve to know" because she was going out to a club. She let me know the following day that she got back home safe (I asked her to). Week and a half or so ago. We had a lighthearted convo over text just exchanging a few texts and joking about something. She's kept our snap streak and has continued to send me 1-2 tiktoks a day (none of which is same consistency or I suppose "quality" they were before this). And besides that. We've had no communication. I've respected her space only trying to reciprocate whatever she does except she hasn't even been opening my snaps or tiktoks.
Up until this past Tuesday where I actually reached out saying I missed her and asking if we could either get together Saturday (yesterday) and talk or at least get on a phone call. It wasn't until Friday till she responded and she said "Hey I had the week from hell and thought I responded I'm sorry. I can't get together Saturday. Dad's birthday was Tuesday and we are doing a massive surprise party." while I know she was at work.
I ended up replying and saying it was okay and asking if we could get on a phone call after the weekend then maybe? Still no reply.
Now onto me and not try to be "pity me". I have trauma from family. When a certain someone was angry (which they were and are often)…love was taken away, there was no positive attention, feelings and emotions were ignored or not taken seriously. There was yelling, screaming, scary threats. At times in the past but rarely, got physical. I am aware of these emotions and this so I try to control it and regulate it. But because of this honestly…these 3 weeks have been hell and even though my girlfriend tried saying "I don't want this to be the end of us" on on of our phone calls shortly after this…I'm absolutely fucking terrified of it and I've never relayed any of this trauma to her. I've talked about a shitty relationship with my parent. I've talked about me being the person I am now because I'm trying to not be like my parent. But I've not gone into any real depth or portrayed any real trauma or emotions towards it.
Ontop of this. My girlfriend's classes start back up in a week and she can become very overwhelmed, stressed and a bit absorbed into her schooling which I've never minded too much. It's her future and it's important to her. With that said, I'm afraid once classes start this will be pushed back further and then whatever we do have or chance we have left just withers away.
Our biggest hurdle in our relationship up until now has been the distance between her and I being 50-55 mins, our busy schedules and the fact she doesn't/isn't driving right now because of a medical condition she has so it's made seeing eachother quite difficult at times. However, me and my family have been planning on moving since like March and finally will be moving into a new house that is only 15-20 mins from her which eliminates that hurdle.
She was quite clear that space was a big boundary for her. But she's had it for 3 weeks and by the time I try and talk to her again likely going on 4 weeks. Should I message her one more time as a "last resort". Apologizing again, say I'm trying to mend things, actually become vulnerable and explain my trauma and how the lack of communication has been affecting me…..or do I just leave her be and trust and pray that she ends up reaching out?