It’s not misperception, miscommunication, or unattainable standards. The gal just WON’T! It’s one of a few behaviors that correlate to my feeling of being pooped on, and disrespected. This is an area, where my wife can grow up. I can grow up too, in other areas. I have my own marriage/spouse goals (organized kind of person. Can’t help it. )
You may guess from the language, we’ve been to counseling. It takes two to tango, and our counselor was sharp, fair, but “equitable.” She only pushed so hard on ownership and responsibility. Excellent counselor. Sharp. Saw through facades. I hope always to have none.
We have children together, exclusively, and have been married 17 years. Divorce isn’t an option. We love each other, and get along, without compromise. Unhealthy to the max!
Another forum had a few suggestions concerning my wife’s ADD/ADHD. It fits. It really fits! What do you have to suggest, after,
This is the plan for today:
1. Review the reddit forum answers to this post, together.
2. prioritize multiple strategies based on our review. the ones I think will have impact, and that I can sell:
a. “encouraging,” they call it; I can encourage her.
b. various helpful means of psychological framing – for me
c. book a maid (unilaterally if necessary)
d. zones – she can have an unkept zone, or two, or three (draw the line somewhere)
e. concentrate her mess – remove her general mess to her designated mess zone (this is a potential problem – self-aware hoarding continuum – “mild” case)
f. orchestrate/lead purges of earthly treasures
g. concentrate my clean – have a designated comfortable area for myself, that nobody touches
h. target 1-2 areas of growth – mutually/reciprocally
i. FIND some means of psychological framing – for HER
j. Weekly planning/strategy, communication meeting
k. revisit counseling. I almost hate to. I had positive effects from this, but, this major issue was wholly unaddressed. I felt really alienated by the failure to address it, though it was brought up.
3. 3. Goals:
a. a. set goals with objectives
b. b. provide monitoring/tracking chart
c. c. implement
d. d. REVIEW PROGRESS – develop/adjust goals
TL;DR: My wife’s ADHD impedes her cleaning up after herself. What works for you?
10 comments
You can never change another person. You can lecture, threaten, bully, beg, plead, cry, make ultimatums- but they will never change unless THEY want to. If she has ADHD, she may be unable to make that change at this time. I think the list you should be making is how you can cope with your partners behavior if they cannot accommodate you. The only thing you can change is yourself.
Welcome to the existence of most women. Seriously, I’ve picked up constantly after two husbands. Many women also have to pick up after their male children. You have two options: pick up after your wife or don’t. It’s your choice, not hers. Also please delete the list you made – all of that is ridiculous.
It really is as simple as she needs to either A: Clean up after herself immediately after making a mess. This is what I do, after I cook for example I throw away wrappings and rinse dirty dishes for a couple minutes afterwards before I eat or while food is still cooking.
Or B: Have a specific time every day where she spends X amount of time cleaning up. Set a phone reminder.
Your giant list sounds like a nightmare for someone with Adhd which for the record I have. She needs to set reminders and then she has to follow through.
How do you get her to follow through? Well she should care a whole lot if its causing your relationship to suffer and is something she actually wants to work on. No one else can make her care but herself. She may need meds as well.
if she doesnt want to naturally pick up after herself, it simply wont happen. She has to want to change it about herself on her own; you can adjust accordingly if she doesnt do that. That is what you can control, how you adjust to her.
It might just be you that has to change and adapt to this, sad, but its the easier route.
OMG. Yes revisit counseling. Judging from structure of this post, you are extremely organized and she is messy?
Any solution need to take account her actual abilities which I don’t know what they are. She might not be capable to consistently produce what you want. And I don’t mean because of ADHD, she may not even have it. And vice versa. That is why counseling, so that you can be guided toward system that will work.
This would be easier if you said what kind of mess bothers you the most, what kind of mess she produces, how chores are split etc. Then we could brainstorm strategies. Sometimes the solution can the that you pick mess while she takes on other chores so that it is fair. Or something of the sort.
You seem to be very occupied with being right. Deep pain? Pooped on? Why are you this dramatic?
If I were your wife, I’d be openly defying you with regard to this list.
She’s a human with a disorder, not a Major Problem to be solved. This reads like something that would be presented as an “opportunity for improvement” at my workplace, where a team is convened to brainstorm and come up with a step-by-step Plan of Action – but I bet this list wasn’t a team effort at all. It was you, acting 100% solo.
If I was going to place large bets, I’d say you are an engineer, a software developer, or a scientist. You seem to have this belief that if you come at the Major Problem from the right direction, all the pieces will simply fall into place and be resolved.
Perhaps you should be doing some therapy solo to determine why you want to treat your wife like she’s an obstacle to your happiness rather than a person with flaws.
Did you seriously just post this to six different subs?
why did you marry her?
i never understand these posts.
What is this, a relationship or a business plan?