How do I reduce the urge to talk and learn to listen better (to friends, sig other, etc.)?

11 comments

1. Bark collar set on ultra sensitive.

2. I’m no expert but here’s what helped me. I take a deep breath when I feel the urge to interrupt, I think about ways that I can open their minds instead of fix problems for them, as this is when I interrupt the most, especially with my wife. Lastly I try to ask questions to lead them to what I’m thinking so I don’t always need to say what I’m thinking. For instance, my wife may be having a disagreement with her mom and it’s obvious what the solution should be. Instead of interrupting I ask questions clarify, then proceed to probe/lead her to the solution.

   I work in Human Resources and need to listen to people a lot for what it’s worth.

3. What helped me: taking on meditation seriously. When you are used to listening to your own thoughts and not suppressing them, or ruminating on them, or avoiding them or paraphrasing them (turning them into something positive or negative), suspending judgment on your own thoughts, you will find it easier to suspend judgment on the thoughts of others too and just letting it come, letting it be and letting it go. And just be an observer.

4. Once a day at work ask some one a question and see how far I’m the conversation you can get by only asking questions. Make it a game and each day do it. It does not count as a question if you talk about yourself in it

5. I’ve always felt following the “Guess” part of “Guess their emotion” actually makes you a worse active listener. I think it’s pretty awful advice, really. If you’re “guessing” you’re still viewing their emotions through your own lenses. Instead, I’d say you should *feel* their emotion if you truly wish to listen.

6. Pull out a notebook (figuratively or literally) and record your questions / comments.

   When they’re done talking, use it to respond intelligently.

7. The tactics you listed are mostly the performative aspects of conversing. They’re definitely the things you want to do to look polite and hold a pleasant conversation, but the fact that you still have an urge to speak over them is telling of something different.

   My urge to interject stopped when I realized that I kept missing the other person’s point. They’d get halfway through their sentence and I’d interrupt with a rebuttal, assuming I knew “where they were going with this.”

   I was wrong. A lot. Kinda made me feel like I made an ass of myself lol. These days, I simply let people speak until they’re finished. If it’s a person who just keeps rambling, I learn to avoid or minimize conversations with them. Kinda like when you’re sober and a drunk person starts chatting it up with you. It’s a bit much.

   Just like you, many people have something to say and want to be heard. People who want to listen to what you have to say will give you your time to say it. Just gotta be patient and wait your turn. If they don’t, they’re not really worth speaking to imo.

   On a side note, I want to say that it’s great that you’re actively trying to improve this. I have friends I’ve known almost my whole life who still speak over people. It’s been… “difficult” trying to introduce them to new people.

8. One trick that helped me for work, especially in online webcam meetings, was to draw a literal stop sign on a post-it note and stick it on my monitor at eye-level. No one on the other end can see it, but it’s a visual cue on my side to not interrupt, and to stop and listen. I jot down points and then respond to them once there’s a natural break for someone to chime in.

   As far as something IRL, maybe keep some kind of token or trinket in your pocket that’ll work as a way to remind you to listen? Small enough, but also unique enough that you can recognize with just your hand without taking it out of your pocket.

   Idk, works for me. I used to interrupt people a lot in the past, and now people keep coming to me because I’m a great listener, lol.

9. You have to want to know what the other person is thinking. You’re going through the motions to look like you care, without caring. Your last sentence tells me that maybe you’re uncomfortable with silence. Get comfortable.

10. Start by not finishing other people’s ….

    sentences. Just let them, you know ….

    finish.

    *THEN* respond.

11. It’s hard especially if someone is chatting a lot of shit or chatting around the point of the conversation. Practise really concentrating on what they’re saying.