I'm at my end. Or, I've at least never felt so near my end. I'm not sure what confidence I have left in my marriage. Any insight is appreciated, and be aware, I'd love to be told I am the problem and I need to loosen up – having some control of our fate…
My wife (37) and I (36) have been married since 2017. We have the most amazing two little girls a guy could ever ask for (3&4yrs old). My wife is currently a stay at home mom as our 4yr old faces a couple diagnoses and disabilities, requiring a great deal of attention/therapies/etc.
I've always said I hit the lottery regarding my in-laws. They're a terrific family which I was proud to join – very much mirroring that of my own family. So much so, that my parents became best friends with my wifes parents. My parents have taken them on vacation, offered them their beach house for weeks at a time when it was not in use.. My parents invited them to every holiday as I come from a large family hosting large holiday gatherings while my wife has very little family… etc… The four of them were very very very close and very much there for her parents during times of need.
…It started slow, with warnings from my brother in law (who tragically took his own life at 30) to run – before committing to a life "dealing with his mother". I always found these comments incredibly off putting and simply got behind the families notion of him being the problem. There were early signs of my mother in laws overstepping from irritating moments planning our wedding, to offering her opinions where they don't belong, to her entering our home unannounced to redesign. While irking the hell out of me, I always moved past the frustrations and felt she was a good lady with unhealthy tendencies (and an unhealthy desire to be her daughters best friend forever). I, however, felt our marriage was much stronger than her nonsense.
Since having kids, the episodes have become more impactful. A simple example being, our clear intent to not expose our kids to iPads until absolutely necessary (school age perhaps?). Reasons don't matter, that's just what we agreed to and mother in law was fully aware. One day I return home from work and find a new tablet for our 1 year old on the kitchen counter. I laugh, box it back up, and ask my wife that she talk to her mother / return it. Fast forward a few months, we are out to dinner and she asks me, "I have the babies tablet in the car, would you mind if I bring it in for her to play with?". Caught completely off guard and seeing red, I responded, "My daughter doesn't have a tablet. Sounds like you do, though. My wife and I were on the same page regarding this topic…". She tells me, "Well, my daughter and I spoke and were on a different page" . This blew up and I was deemed the asshole. With some time, I had taken it on the chin to keep the peace, and life moves on… Moments much like this pop up every now and again.
Fast forward to this June when we are all at my parents house having a bbq. My wife and I have a disagreement over something inconsequential, just a normal marriage spat. We are abruptly leaving what became a booze-fueled environment and my mother in law screams at me "JUST DIVORCE MY FUCKING DAUGHTER!". I didn't say a word to her, just left. Few days later, my parents call me apprehensively telling me they need to talk. My mother in law apparently went on a tear after we left, ruining her friendship with my parents, berating me telling my parents that "her daughter will get the kids no problem." and "her daughter will be absolutely fine without me in her life" and "her daughter was raised to be independent and doesn't need her husband…" and so on and so on… apparently she was in a RAGE. My uncle, who was also there, called me to offer support, advising my wife and I protect our family and tread carefully. This was bad.
My wife stood beside me, mostly, and agreed we would not talk to her for a while. I thought it were important we kept a united front – and cross that bridge together when things settled down. My mother in law claimed she has zero memory of this ever happening – she was too drunk and had too many edibles. She sent me and apology text blaming everything besides herself. I told her it was the most self serving apology I ever received and to please not bother me or my family for a while. I fully felt she was a threat to my family and I was going to protect us.
Fast forward to this weekend – my wife pushes a dinner with them on me. "It is time we move past this, my mother wants to apologize, would you be willing to hear her out?". Wanting to restore peace and also remove this tension from my wifes life, I (reluctantly) say okay. I told my wife, however, please prepare for the worst because I do not think your mother is genuinely capable of taking accountability. BOY WAS I RIGHT. The dinner blew up within 5 minutes. Immediately, I was the problem. She was not there to apologize. She was there to repair her ego. I found myself defending my parents, my family, and myself. She was happy to inform me, "my daughter never stopped talking to me!" (throwing her daughter under the bus much…?).. even happier to tell me "what i said was just words, get over it!" as her daughter cried across the table, begging her mom to just say she's sorry. The experience got so heated and horrendous, I walked out after about 25 minutes. Before we spoke, I said "I don't need a big formal apology or rehearsed talk… let's just keep this easy and try to enjoy our night". Man, she was far too rehearsed to let it go to waste. My mother gave her the edible gummy, so it was my junky mothers fault. Then, she may have a vague "brain problem" and is trying to seek a neurologist. Then, it's all of the xanax she takes cus she lost her son… And How dare I text her reminding her to carry my daughters life saving rescue medicine multiple times? (because she openly tells us she never remembers to carry it while with our girl)… Have I no respect for elders? I mean, I cant even explain how toxic this environment became. To not allow this to drag on, I wont keep on with further comments/details of her maniacal approach. I'm done with her.
I take my wife away to a beach hotel for a few nights, the next day. Hoping for some fresh air together. I find her outside chatting with her mom like nothing ever happened. Shes oblivious to the harm and threat her mother is posing to our family. We have fought infront of our toddlers over her mother 1892 times and I won't allow it. I'm closer than I've ever been to walking away, for my kids sake. My wife was raised by a narcissist and is victim #2 (I firmly believe #1 is her late brother). I do not know what the f to do. Thanks for reading.
*Just want to add, While yes, I do harbor some resentment towards my wife for always letting her mothers behavior slide, I mostly feel horrible for her. She is in such a poor spot, groomed by her mother, now her mothers only child, and living with a divide between her mother and her husband. I feel so badly for her. With that, I won't give her hell for not being supportive enough and for talking to her mother. It's her mom, her circus. But, the resentment is undeniable. And how she is so blind to the fact that her mother will threaten our family/our health – for her own ego – also kills me. But, between my feeling horrible for her – and my lack of confidence that I can make my wife see it – It just isn't phasing me. Feel like I'm basically giving up. Don't care enough anymore.