This is long and I might sound like a grown baby but I need guidance.
I don’t think that I am an unpleasant person. Most people actually do want to get to know me. I am, however, reserved. Once someone does a certain behavior that I don’t like, I keep my distance. I’m okay with ignoring someone forever. Rarely do I seek conflict resolution after a falling out or witnessing a behavior that I don’t like. Anytime I have reconciled with someone, it usually ends up in ruins and then I hate the reconciling. Then, people hate me.
My only friend is my brother. He’s my favorite person, but still, he used to beat me and sometimes I think about that and hate him briefly for it. He knows he has this problem. We grew up in an abusive household. He’s more than that, but I mention it because it has contributed to my social skills. Or lack thereof. I feel like he’s the only one who gets me because we come from the same set of parents.
My father is a narcissist but he is well liked. People LOVE him. He’s awesome at cultivating relationships but highly manipulative. He lies A LOT and lacks the ability to see what he does in situations that can be hurtful. Especially to his children. I do love him, but I always feel like I’m apologizing for my reaction to this mean ways than him seeing any parts of how he treats me.
At this point, I know it’s me. I have a hard time getting on my feet. I ignore people. I can’t keep a job for the life of me. On the plus side, I have been investing in my personal business’s because i know it will one day be rewarding.
I understand that conflict resolution is a big deal and I lack that entirely, but am I crazy for wanting to go through this solo? Realizing that this is who I am? I find myself explaining myself often and then people demanding more information and I just don’t want to give it and then they become angry… when I match that anger I’m the problem. Or if I leave I’m the problem.
Social interactions DRAIN me. Even if they are with the people that I love, I fear they don’t know I love them due to my inability to want social depth.
I know this is a lot. Any advice helps.