Me: Noticing something I need done.
Me: Asking my husband to handle it.
Him: EITHER “Sure, I’ll take care of it” OR Makes up problems and excuses as to why it can’t be done at all or quickly. Regardless, thing doesn’t get done.
Me: Asks again.
Me: Asks again.
Me: Asks again.
Me: Nags about my request incessantly.
Husband: Still doesn’t do it.
Both of us: Blow out argument, lots of yelling and screaming, mean things said.
Him, post argument: Rushes to do thing, mostly half-assed.
Him, later: “All you have to do is ask. You don’t have to yell.”
Me: “All evidence points to the contrary.”
🙃
UPDATE: Thanks for the suggestions. My intent was to vent, not to seek solutions because we have discussed this many times and I have tried several different approaches. I know I need to learn to live with it, protect my peace by doing everything myself (not really, because resentment is real), or get a divorce and this wouldn’t be the sole reason for that. Not sure what the right decision is yet.
32 comments
I couldn’t tolerate this as I take it as disrespect. I’m all for therapy before making big, life changing decisions though.
I’m a major procrastinator. I had to really train myself to just handle things when my wife asks me to handle them. I realized the peace that comes with “pick your battles”. Have you guys talked about how much his procrastination bothers you?
It’s the same thing I tell my wife: “I’ll go ahead and do it now when you first ask, and while I’m thinking about it, that way there’s no chance I’ll forget to do it.”
It’s that simple guys. It’s not just a wife thing, it’s just simple responsibility.
Been circulating for years but bears repeating:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
I take care of a lot of thing in my marriage. Home wise, financial, organising, food etcetera. There are a few things I expect my husband to help out with. One of those things came up this month.
The windscreen wipes on the big truck he makes me drive (thinks its safer) weren’t working very well and needed replacing. It took him over 10 days to actually go buy some and then he couldn’t get them to fit. Two weeks later I am still driving in the rain with a dodgy wiper. I had to travel for work this week and he has been all worried about me and fussing how much he is going to miss me. Asking me to text when I leave and arrive etc.
I said well you can’t be that fucking worried because if I die in a crash due to low visibility it will be your fault. He said oh don’t say that I will be worries now. We’ll you should have helped me out then
It’s not because he is the man and it’s a car issue….it because we are a partnership and some duties need to be spread out. He said he would help me and he didn’t.
However I am a lot more chilled now. Earlier in our marriage I would really crack the shits and have blow out like OP described but now I don’t know….I just hope he gets round to it and if not I will do it myself eventually
The only way to get things done….
Ask someone who either isn’t going to do it at all or at his/her own convenience….
or just do it yourself and have them follow the same policy?
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Many people have commented what I would about him not doing things. I will comment on the “mean things said” part of your post. Do you two insult each other during arguments often? My husband and I have a rule that we don’t say anything nasty while angry. Once you say something, it can not be taken back whether you mean it or not.I wish you all the love and peace in your marriage.
My husband and I have this issue and couples therapy has helped us immensely to identify why this happens and how to change our behavior (or even just recognize) why it happens. I won’t say it’s solved the issue, but it’s made it 100x better
Yep… even better after I’d get annoyed and do it myself he would say ‘I would have done that’ 😑😑😑😑
My husband has one chore and it’s to make sure the trash can gets out to the curb on Tuesdays. In our entire marriage, he’s only taken it out once without me asking. The other times I ask him, he sits there and says “yeah in a minute” and then never does it. Icing on the cake is when I do it myself, he can suddenly get up and follow me and say “I was going to do it!”
His argument is that I “never give him a chance to do it.” But the times I don’t take it out myself the night before, it doesn’t get done and I usually wake up in the mornings sprinting to take the garbage down to the curb. I think my neighbors are tired of seeing me in short shorts and oversized granny shirts with cats on them.
Thanks for posting this. This is me sometimes. Don’t why I am like this. Sometimes overwhelmed or don’t have the skills to do it. Sometimes it is difficult for me to spend an hour or more making phone calls during the workday with my workload. 🙁
Today before my husband left for work he thought I was going in for a hug but instead I took his hand and gently guided it to close the cabinet door he leaves open every goddamn morning.
No amount of polite requests, friendly suggestions, or annoyed complains has done the trick in 8 years. Maybe treating him like a toddler will?
I have the same issue with my wife, if I ask her to do something she often comes up with flimsy reasons why she can’t or “forgets” until I finally get sick of asking and just do it myself.
Then without fail she informs me she was *just about* to do that task. Which is such an insult to injury kind of thing, like basically she’s taking credit for the work I just did.
Or she’ll tell me to remind her later, which, the whole fucking point of asking for help was to NOT have to concern myself with this task.
She did this last night again, so I asked her where her phone was, picked it up, hit the personal assistant button and said “Remind me at 1PM to pick up our son’s medication”… Was that so hard?!
We are married to the same guy.
You start off saying u ask your husband to do something that u need done , my question which will prob elicit nasty responses is why not do it yourself?? If it’s something mutual than yes, throw it out to him.
When I tell my wife I’ll do something, I mean it. I don’t know why she has to keep asking about it every 6 months. /s
I don’t know how my wife and I resolved this issue, but we did. I think the biggest part is we both got better showing each other grace. We also both took a more active roll in the success of our future relationship. Rule of 3’s stuff – there’s plenty of info about it.. Basically we have a relationship check in discussion every 3 days, we go on a date of some sort every 3 weeks, and we have a weekend getaway every 3 months. These things are scheduled in a calendar because it’s so easy to forget and let a year go by. Also, we schedule the rest of the world around us, not the other way around. Friends want to hang out Friday night? Sorry, that’s date night. We occasionally do double dates, but those don’t count for us – we always did that before.
My feelings on this: It’s disrespectful and it shows your spouse that they do not matter to you, that they are not important enough to clear up a little of your time “relaxing” to do something that they asked you to do.
I had the same thing with my ex husband, except I’d do it myself and then he’d say, “I was going to do it.” This was usually after weeks of me asking and him ignoring. The thing is, I think they know that if they don’t do it long enough, it will get done, but we will be the ones doing it because we can’t stand it anymore. I’d end up going into a rage about things not getting done and then, of course, I was called named because I was upset. When I left him, he spent 2 weeks trying to do everything I’d been asking him for 20 years to do and it was too little, too late. There were a lot of other reasons I divorced him, but not feeling like a priority was a huge point.
With my husband now, if I ask him to do something, he either does it right away or he tells me when he can do it. I rarely have to remind him. Not only does it make me feel like I matter to him, but it also feels like we are a team.
This is the saddest thing I’ve read today. From your post, your husband sucks and you’re miserable but you won’t do anything to change it. You’re going to be my example of what not to do in life and marriage.
My husband is terrible about closing drawers. Do we fight about it? Nope I just close the drawer.
I’m bad about not putting the kitchen scissors back on their hook. Fights? No, he just hangs them up.
We are two imperfect people who love and accept each other. Life is too short for petty arguments.
You can do things for yourself also
Have you by any chance tried a different tactic? Maybe genuinely thanking him for something he has done for you recently (I’m sure there is something – even something minor, like doing the dishes, giving you a cup of your favorite drink – whether or not you asked for it – buying something he knows you like, or giving you a hug when you weren’t expecting it), or telling him how much you love him and appreciate him and all that he does as a whole? (I don’t know your marriage, but just a suggestion).
You’d be surprised as to how far a simple “thank you for all that you do” will go. Good luck!
Edit: words
ITT: People whose spouses need to be screened for ADHD.
Forgetting/being “unable” to do very normal life tasks are literally symptoms of this disorder!
Yep. Am now separated. Hb just never did anything I asked him. I stopped asking him to do things. But then resentment grew. It really has been one of the things that broke us up.
Pretty sure we married the same man.
Why don’t you do it? I never understood that.
“I notice something is wrong, I ask someone to do it, they don’t do it, but I also don’t do it… so it’s their fault that it isn’t done” make it make sense.
Ask once and then do it yourself or accept it won’t get done.
Meanwhile you could have done said task and avoided all of it.
This is why I’m getting divorced. Or one of the many reasons at least.
Come to find out recently he used to (and probably still does) bitch about me to coworkers. Also calls me a ‘cu^+’ behind my back. An other things.
I recently snapped at him because he won’t help. At all. With anything. I was a stay at home for 4 years and have offered multiple times to get a job if he can just help me get our kid into daycare and find a way into or home from work.
Kept saying no. He’d just work the over time.
Hey guess what. That never happened.
Now my current partner is picking up all my exs slack and I feel terrible. But I’m not nearly as stressed as I used to be.
Ex wanted recognition for loading the dish washer the other day (yes we still live together, this economy is bs). But doesn’t thank anyone else for cleaning or doing all the errands. Didn’t even thank my mother for a pet emergency she ended up covering.
It’s the unempathetic, martyr, and laziness for me.
After this last blow up I’ve essentially cut my communication with him. Unless it’s about our kid, I don’t want to talk.
I already raise one kid. I’m not going to deal with a 6ft one who rolls their eyes and pouts or worse when I ask for help. F that
This isn’t about him forgetting little jobs. This is about the additional emotional labour he heaps on you by consistently not doing things that help you both exist in a household that functions effectively. What he is saying is that he can’t be bothered to do things and remember things because you’ll do it for him and he doesn’t respect how much time these things take up in your mind. Quite honestly, you shouldn’t have to do the thinking for both of you. Only you can decide whether he is worth it.
Feeling this.
I’ve threatened to get a handy man to fix xyz before. Either he does it or pays for it. For me it gets done.