We’ve been dating for a solid year now and the issue keeps popping up. We’ll go out sometimes and no matter where we are or what we are doing he has this habit of grabbing me in various places. In stores he’ll slap my butt or squeeze it and I’ll pull away telling him that we’re in public and he needs to stop. If we’re walking anywhere he’ll do the same even if there’s a lot of people around. Several times we’ve had dinners with my family and he’ll squeeze my thighs super hard under the table. It hurts but I try not to react because I don’t know how to explain to my parents that he can’t keep his hands off of me. I want them to have a good impression of him.
I wouldn’t consider myself prudish by any means, I just don’t like being physically affectionate in public. I have sensory issues and things like this really put me on edge and make me uncomfortable. I’ll hold his hand or arm when I need physical assurance but his habits of physical assurance just seem really sexual and I want it to stop.
I’ve brought this up to him on several occasions and his answers are always the same. He constantly tries to remind me that his love language is physical touch and withholding himself is really hard. He says he is controlling himself and those times he doesn’t are times that he slips and misremembers. He keeps saying it’s super hard for him but he’s trying. That sometimes it’s out of his control.
Well I reached a breaking point yesterday and in frustration I compared what he’s told me to what was said to me six years ago when I was raped. Yeah. I compared my boyfriends mindset when grabbing my ass to my rapists mindset when I was sexually assaulted. It was bad. I had already made my point with it and couldn’t take it back when he said that was unnecessary and cruel of me. He left and now he’s ignoring me.
So now I’m not sure what to do about all of this. Please give me some wisdom.
28 comments
He doesn’t respect your boundaries, period. If you stay in this relationship, what other boundaries will he be willing to break? Do you really want to be with someone like this??
In my opinion the comparison was justified. It is still a matter of consent, and while a I suppose lesser breach, is still a breach of your boundaries and your consent. Even a dog knows no, it is not unreasonable to expect a man to know the same. His excuse of not being able to control himself is bullshit. You are justified in being upset and frankly I believe you are entirely in the right in this situation.
I think you were completely right to make that comparison. He’s full of shit when he says he “forgets” your boundaries. He just doesn’t give a fuck and thinks his desire to touch you inappropriately in public trumps your bodily autonomy. And giving you the silent treatment after you finally lose your patience with this ongoing problem is just his way to try to force you to let him have his way with you, to make YOU feel like the bad guy.
You deserve better than someone who clearly has such little respect for you and your boundaries. I hope you tell him to kick rocks. He’s intentionally testing your boundaries to see what you’ll let him get away with and trying to wear you down. That’s not how you treat someone you actually care about.
I am so sorry to hear about what happened. I’ll be to the point here
after telling him many times that you don’t like it and he doesn’t respect it. You have your answer right there.
He’s either immature to think that what they do in a movie can be done irl or should be done irl. That not respecting boundaries is hot, not respecting a “no”. That’s a big red flag right there.
If he says “I can’t control” and now making you feel guilty, that’s another one. This guy is never going to respect your boundaries no matter what cuz the idea of “my love language is physical touch” is basically his idea and he doesn’t care about your idea.
That’s it. Take a decision and know, you were very valid to feel what you felt and there should be no regret to any of your actions or words said after him constantly ignoring what you feel, and make you feel uncomfortable in public.
Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries? It’s hard, but try looking at it objectively – if a friend came to you saying their bf was pulling this shit repeatedly what would you tell them to do? You can’t even trust him to respect simple wishes.
You can do better, and you deserve better
He’s physically hurting you and gaslighting you by telling you it’s his “love language” to hurt you.
He’s a prick. Don’t know why you would want to stay with him. You can do much better.
Try squeezing his balls under the table until it hurts and then tell him that what he’s doing to you.
If your bf is capable of “forgetting” that your body is not his possession to fondle as he pleases, then he shouldn’t be in a relationship. That shit is taught to kindergartners. Which is why I think he’s full of shit. He cares more about getting his grab on than about your feelings. Dump him and tell him you hope that’s something he can learn for his next gf
You haven’t done anything wrong here, except you stay involved with someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries. I’m a stranger who has read your post once and I have a clear understanding of your boundaries. Your Bf, someone who is supposed to love and care and respect you, regularly assaults you and ignores your clearly stated boundaries. You compared him to your rapist because he is acting like your rapist. He is making all of these about him. If he wasn’t disrespectful and repeatedly HURTING you, then you would not have made that comment.
I think it’s a gift that he left and is ignoring you. I think you should keep this break going PERMANENTLY. I’m afraid for your safety tbh. I don’t think he’ll ever respect you or your boundaries. He says he can’t help it, yet he manages not to grab every girl he sees, so he actually can help it. He just doesn’t want to. He feels ownership over your body and doesn’t like when you challenge that. I’m afraid he might escalate to hurting you more because you’ve challenged him and spoke up for yourself.
If he doesn’t respect your boundaries, break up with him.
There’s literally no other answer. You can’t force him to respect you.
Let him keep ignoring you. The correct response to someone repeatedly violating your boundaries is to get away from them, not go out of your way to make sure everyone still thinks they are a great person.
The reason you compared him to that terrible time in your life is because he’s also displaying this mindset that your body is somehow his. It’s disgusting that he can’t just control his own actions for your comfort. My way of confronting it is extreme, but I would stop if we’re in public (not at your parents etc) and draw attention to his actions. “Oh my god, did you just grab my ass?!?” loudly will bring attention to him. Show actual shock and disgust and he will be immediately aware of people looking at him/judging him. Again, not for everyone but he needs to understand how embarrassing it is and since he doesn’t respect your words in private, maybe he needs a little public shame.
That comparison is 100% justified.
Every time he grabs you without your consent is a message to you that he won’t be denied his entitlement to your body.
You’re not wrong calling his behaviour sexual assault.
End it with him. He doesn’t respect you.
Why do you care so little about yourself that this has gone on for a year?
I hope you learn this lesson quickly now.
Stay away from men like this. He doesn’t respect you and he doesn’t give a shit about how you feel, when the mood hits him your body belongs to him. That’s how he feels. He doesn’t care about you as a person. He cares more about your body, your breasts and your bottom and your vagina than your brain.
Edit: the bit where he says he tries to control himself but can’t is what rapists say.
He can control himself. He doesn’t want to.
Actions should have consequences. So what comes after the uncomfortable talk that doesn’t net any results? A breakup.
You have a previous tramua and your with someone who triggers that, you’ve told them that and they continue and says its because its their way of saying I love you….
Just ponder over that. You don’t need redditch wisdom. You need respect for yourself and your experiences. Dump him and in your next relationship when this comes up. Be very clear when he does that these things are OK- hand holding, hug around the waist whatever, anything that isn’t that isn’t ok- say “I can’t be with someone who is going to respect me enough to listen to that”.
It sounds like he’s given you a very firm boundary- “don’t imply I’m a rapist” and stopped talking to you. In the kindest way possible, you haven’t done the same to prevent this conflict. If you have a boundary you need to follow through with it.
I had an emotionally abusive ex. Physical touch wasn’t his love language. He did those things to me too but only in public and it was only because I was very modest and shy and it was to make me feel embarrassed and humiliated. He knew I didn’t like it. What yours is doing is selfish and if he enjoys tormenting you too, then that’s messed up. Either way, it’s selfish and I hope you find someone better.
Why are you in a relationship with a man that doesn’t respect you? This should be a no-brainer and I’m fucking flabbergasted by all the young women who post about shit like this asking “what do I do?”. Leave him. Demand better.
You could try carrying a kitchen spoon around the house, (Or in your purse) the next time he does it, hit him on the hands with the spoon as hard as possible.
No really break up.
He can control himself perfectly, he’s just choosing not to.
Your comparison wasn’t uncalled for. He’s disrespecting you. He wants you to eventually get to a point where you shut up and don’t protest when he grabs you, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel. Him saying he can’t control himself and “misremembers” is a load of horseshit.
I don’t know the rest of your relationship, but personally I think a lack of respect and ignoring boundaries is a deal breaker. I would be distraught for days if I found out something I was doing was making my boyfriend feel uncomfortable and reminding him of his rapist. If your boyfriend cared, he would apologize profusely and promise to never do it again, and then he would NEVER do it again.
The fact that he called you cruel and is now ignoring you tells you exactly how much he truly cares about your feelings. He’s trying to make you feel bad for calling him out. Don’t listen to him.
How a person handles a no says a lot about their character.
Boundaries are a suggestion for people to conduct themselves around you if they want you to let them stay in your life. They are not a command or a restraint from that behavior. It is, this is not okay and if you do it I will dump you, or take some action to ensure my boundaries are honored. He did it. Dump him.
These displays of power and ownership over you are very red flags. In my experience, they will only increase, especially if he fears you are escaping him. This will be a very dangerous time, and you’ll have to take precautions and make sure you have people around to protect you.
Leaving him is inevitable. It’s only a matter of how long you decide to try tolerating this complete disrespect. I’d strongly suggest ripping the bandaid off now.
“You know, now I regret apologizing. Bc the fact of the matter is that I have told you an astonishing number if times to.knock it off and you won’t. Your behavior fits the definition of sexual assault perfectly. If you can’t stop yourself, then we don’t need to be together any longer. So figure out what you want to do, if I do not hear from you by Friday, then consoder yourself single, bc I sure AF will.”,
If physical touch was his love language, he would want to hug you or hold your hand or even just touch your back. He is doing those things because it makes you squirm and either it’s because he finds it funny or he likes the control aspect of it. Either way, he’s disregarding your feelings and not respecting you. I say let him ignore you and never speak to him again.
NTA, squeezing your thigh so hard it hurts is NOT normal. Especially when he knows you hate the constant inappropriate public touching. He’s doing it because HE KNOWS it bothers you and he enjoys your reaction. He CAN control it but chooses not to. You actually made the CORRECT correlation between the two types of assault. One was more violent however they are both actions that violate you. Neither level of violation is okay. I honestly don’t think you should be with him. He knows you are a victim of SA and yet continues to violate your boundaries in a sexual way. He is intentionally causing you pain. HE ENJOYS IT. Do you really envision a future with someone who stomps on your boundaries and feeds off of your discomfort with the sexual touching?
However, if you choose to stay, the next time he does this (which he will) embarrass him in public. Yell/scream at him until he gets so uncomfortable that it sears into his brain that what he is doing is not okay. The ONLY way he will stop is if there are consequences.