This is the place to put any shower thoughts, your complaints/rants about dating, ask for quick advice, serious and (sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.
31 comments
Dating app matches really do come in waves. Last month I only had 1 date. Within the last week, I set up 3 first dates, 1 of them I’ll be going on a 2nd date with. For the guy I’m going on a 2nd date with, I wasn’t even sure this would happen. He seemed kind of standoffish on the first date but he was the one who messaged the 2nd date location and time! Still need to figure out if our long term goals match though but at the same time, I think I’m ok with just dating casually. If anyone I go on a date with ends up having long term potential, I’ll definitely consider it but for now maybe casual is better for my mental health now. I have so many exciting trips to look forward to in the next few months so that’s been keeping me going! These trips will be with friends too so it’ll be a good bonding experience.
Signed up for Tinder for the first time in a couple of years, now in a metro of about 2.5 million people. Swiped to the bottom of my stack. Two likes (most likely out of area, because I never got the Oops! popup), zero matches.
I think I’ve just got to accept that I’m below the minimum standard for dating.
it’s SO good to find someone who is on your speed, whether it’s on the slower side or the faster side🥹
Last fall, through climbing gym friends, I met this guy and quickly developed a crush on him. He was single but still really hung up on his ex, and as far as I could tell, he wasn’t really seeing me that way. He also moved away in like February this year so there wasn’t much chance of dating him.
I still hang out with the friend group though and they keep bringing him up all the time. I’m not exactly hung up on him (I mean, I barely knew him) BUT it’s a constant reminder of “what could be.” Mainly, we had a bunch of things in common that I don’t really share with anyone else I know, and he seemed very sweet and sensitive, mature, ambitious etc, and it’s hard not to compare anyone I see on an app to this person/other people I’ve met IRL. The kind of person I feel like “I can finally breathe around you because I know you just get it, I don’t have to explain anything about myself”
Basically I just really want a person who gets me and who appreciates the little things about me that no one else seems to understand. It’s hard knowing that those people ARE out there, I’m just not getting the chance to date them so I have to look elsewhere and try to appreciate people who are not nearly as good of a fit. Really tanks my motivation to date.
My partner moved for work across the country, and even though we’ve had time to prepare and feel it out, it’s finally the real thing. She is there and I am here. And even though she has so much to do before classes start (she teaches at uni), she is making time for me and the communication is strong. I will go visit soon for a week or two. I’m focusing on my own classes and my own friendships here to stay strong. I’m job hunting both in my town and hers. Ive never felt so sure of feelings I have for another person yet so unsure what the shape of the next six months to a year will look like for me. I’m scared but also excited for what could be. She is the kind of person I would want to go anywhere with. As long as this trajectory continues, I feel like I am on the right arc towards happiness. But this week was hard, and I got little sleep last night. I don’t normally dream but she was there with me last night. When we discussed this situation we talked about allowing ourselves to be sad or to miss one another and not make it an indictment on our choices. We’re looking towards the future while satisfying what we need outside of the relationship. Only time will tell, but for now it is a hard road that we’ve put ourselves on. And we’re going to walk it together.
Reflecting on 6 months of dating, I still carry emotional baggage from unsolved past wounds into this relationship. I was scared and hesitant to express all of them, my inner struggles, small hiccups, and all resentments during the time I am seeing someone because my unconscious mind held me back in my old belief: people will leave if I voice out my needs – people will abandon me if I don’t please them.
Today, I feel like I can’t stand with it and I can’t deal with it anymore. I need to break the pattern; otherwise, I gotta play very passive aggressive role and become someone who is not me. I take a courage with clear mind this morning and I tell my boyfriend everything. As a normal and healthy relationship dynamic, we have misunderstandings, a few resentments, mismatch of expectations and reality. I let him know how I truly feel about several events between us, I tried to be okay but I was really not okay back then. It was a longest message in 6 months ever. I also stress out this relationship is important to me, I love him, I want to work on this with him and I definitely need his help.
I don’t know what happens next, I immediately feel so right and so good when the cat is out the bag. I also prepare mentally for the worst, another heartbreak; or, wholeheartedly welcome a new partner in my life. Who knows. I’m really thankful to make another progress to be closer to my inner self. Now it’s time to reward myself a mini cake and good coffee. Have a great weekend ahead DOT friends!
Feeling increasingly like my boyfriend tends to see himself as the victim or the wronged one in most situations. Had a fight where we both got upset and I apologized first and asked him what was causing him to get upset. He explained that it was because the situation reminded him of his suspicions that his last gf had cheated and I said yeah, I get it, I experienced something similar in my previous relationship.
After that, my boyfriend’s mood seemed to improve, but I was becoming more and more uncomfortable because he didn’t apologize for starting the fight until I said bluntly that I would like an apology. And also I had told him about the ruptures in my previous relationship and I realized he didn’t remember, at all.
Had a 4th date yesterday, over the past month, At one point I asked her if she was dating anyone else, which she wasnt. And when I told her I’m not into multidating and wouldnt go past 1 or 2 dates with multiple people, she responded with “so we are exclusive?” I said “i guess so, Ive been exclusive from the start”. which is true by definition, and she seemed really happy to put a label on it . First time putting a label on things/DTR,which is exciting. Wouldve stayed the night if we didnt both have early work in the morning.
I dont have much dating experience, so it’s a little scary, to be honest. For those who also dont date much, how do you know that they’re the right person for you, just time togerher? How do you know that theyre the best person for you, when you dont have tons of experience? She’s attractive, we are both dating with intention, have alligned core beliefs/culture, so i guess things just continue and we see if things grow together.
When I feel lonely and sad, I constantly think about happier times with my exes and wonder why I can’t seem to get that again. Or why it has to be so temporary. I hate it.
I think I’m falling …
It’s been a month since I met 28-year-old and ever since he came back from his trip and we went on our ice cream date, I realised I really like him.
This week I decided to initiate conversations because before that we rarely texted. So, I initiated and he reciprocated, banter was exchanged and another date was set.
He is also cheesy but not in a love bomby way, he just give me compliments at the right moments and aaaah I love how my nervous system is also chill. Like this feels right.
However, at the back of my mind I know we are not going to see each for five months starting from September, so we really have to put communication plans in place 🥲
Took my antidepressants for the first time this morning. Hope it helps. I was also prescribed a sleep medication and omg, that sleep was almost as good as anesthesia sleep. I slept at least 7 hours straight, peacefully. I tend to sleep 4-6 hours at best, waking up at the sound of a pin drop or if the temp rises above 72, and that’s been my entire adult life.
Still feeling pretty sad and numb atm. The good sleep didn’t motivate me to get out of bed at a reasonable time still. I’m hopeful that things will turn around for me.
I’m still having some obsessive behaviors. I swipe a lot through Bumble just to see if his profile will come up. I keep thinking about his cooler and if we’ll ever exchange our stuff (small things that neither of us will miss tbh). I even looked at his Prime “continue watching” history the other day to see if there’s anything there that a woman would be watching. I’m holding on to tiny scraps of him. I miss him so badly and wish he’d reach out, even though ik there’s no coming back from a breakup 🙁
Alright. I reached out to him and asked for a 9th date, since he hadn’t yet. Haven’t heard back yet, throat is a knot
Not one but two guys who suggested a date but then went silent for a couple of days after I said yes. Both have been pretty slow at responding but so have I. One suggested a firm time at the weekend that I agreed to. If he follows up the day of the planned date (tomorrow) , I’m thinking I’ll just say I have other plans. The other hasn’t suggested a time yet but if he does the same thing, I’m done. I don’t mind slow replying in the beginning but it’s too much when trying to arrange plans.
What’s even funnier is a guy who ghosted me on one app after asking me for a date and me saying yes after a couple of weeks of texting has now resurfaced on another app and messaged me again! I’m not even convinced he lives in my city because some of his answers to questions were a bit off and because he’s on travel mode. Do some guys in relationships use dating apps for kicks??
Dating profile request (30F) pics – [https://postimg.cc/Vd5NtxtW](https://postimg.cc/Vd5NtxtW)
I get some snarky comments from guys saying my profile is “confusing” I said how? One said “oh you have more faces than Jeffrey dahmer!” some slick remark like that. When I;m clearly the same person in all the photos. Just some have more makeup on than others, some different poses/places is that hard to understand? I put mostly no makeup photos as you can see. some smiling, some of my resting face. And another slick comment I got was like “Nice photos, which one is you?” Anyways which photos should I get rid of and which type to add? I’m getting frustrated and annoyed hearing these comments.
And the mask photo IS recent i work in healthcare
Age old question – when do you say I love you in relationships? I know there’s not a set date (like day 42) but when do you feel ready to say it? How do you know?
So I got back on some apps and a miracle happened; a woman said she wanted to meet for a drink. This has never happened before, either being asked or even going on a date. My response to this was to have a mild panic attack. It’s like the reality of actually meeting someone hit me like a train and I couldn’t handle the pressure. Not sure what this means for my future dating prospects, I’m guessing not good
Hinge day 4…
Still debating whether in my situation it’s better to give a chance to lots of people, or be more selective even if that means not going on any dates for months etc. I’m not seeing anyone on the apps who makes me feel real potential, but everyone has the quality of “maybe I could have a fun chat with this person.”
Which like, it makes me realize it’s not that different from Chatroulette lol. I never used the video version but when I was in high school I used some similar service that pairs you up with random people to instant message with (Omegle maybe? idk). Realizing that dating apps feel exactly the same to me – the chances of actually meeting someone I *connect* with are not much higher than that, but on the other hand, I’m always down for a random chat with a stranger, surely I’ll learn some interesting new tidbit (or they’ll be creepy and I move on).
But like… I don’t think that’s how you’re supposed to be looking at it if you want a serious relationship, which I do.
Really bummed. Tomorrow we were supposed to go on our first big vacation together, with his brother and his wife and her family. I flew to the city we were leaving from a few days early (had a work meeting). Someone in the group who is covid conscious wanted everyone to get tested so I did just in case… And turns out I’m covid positive. WTF. 4th fucking time too.
I moved out of my Airbnb immediately (was staying we the an 80yr old woman!!! Of all the times!!!) And into some shitty hotel to isolate. I’m in a city I don’t know, in this stupid room alone. My love arrives tomorrow but we can’t meet obviously. I told him he should still go on the trip bec he doesn’t get enough time with his brother.. so he’s going. But he wants to come back early, as soon as my isolation ends and I’m safer to be around. But this sucks. I’m also actually quite sick. Got prescribed Paxlovid which makes your mouth taste SO FUCKING BAD. The money is also just flying out of my account to manage all this shit.
We were supposed to go to a beautiful lake house and go kayaking and hiking and chill in the hot tub. Cruel twist of fate. Could barely sleep last night because covid is making my face hurt like crazy.
End rant
A friend I’ve had a crush on (and talked about on here) has become more playful again with me after a period of awkwardness. He knows how I feel, or at least I hope he interpreted that conversation correctly but he is also very….Nerdy and I have no idea how he is with women. I’m trying not to read into it because I know how it feels to be on the other side where the person who likes you is looking for signs that aren’t there.
While I’m trying to be mature about it and just nurture our friendship, it’s hard as he has now mentioned coming to my apartment to paint my walls for me which I’ve been mentioning I need to do. Plus, he called me a cutesy nickname and has started to talk to me more and send me stuff I like. According to my other girlfriends, he doesn’t do these things with them.
So, that’s where I’m at right now. I’m capable of having crushes on people and just chilling, even after him not respond to my apparent confession. Of course, I do hope maybe he just needed to step back and assess how he felt, but I’m also just glad we can speak like normally again. He’s great and I’d hate to lose him as a friend.
Thinking about deactivating my only OLD app, Hinge. I’m not talking to anyone on it at the moment and if the two people I am seeing fade, I want to revise my profile anyway. Thoughts? Pro or Cons?
What questions do you ask yourself to make sure you’re ready to date again?
2 days post breakup I’m definitely not ready now. But how do i make sure i’m emotionally available at some point in the future?
Bodies are weird, yo.
Was reading through the comments and happened upon one that led to a wave of anxiety hitting me. Thought for certain my heart rate must have spiked – nope, 58.
is it bad to go on a date with someone you are not really attracted to? I feel like it would be good to get in the groove of dates and practice, but at the same time I dont want to lead her on. There is also the chance she is just not photogenic or I have a good time with her…but I feel like I am going into this with the thought of it not working out to begin with, which is a bad thing.
Excited to hang with friends this weekend doing things and not dwelling on my pathetic dating life~
Just an update to a [post I made yesterday.](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/yp7vGtlT8n) The photographer I hired from another city sent me a message asking if I’ve checked the weather forecast for the day of the shoot. Silly me did not….as the thought never occurred for some reason….turns out that it’s calling for thunder and lightening all day haha. Lesson learned. He asked if we could reschedule but it’s tough. It’s a hassle for me to get to there even when I want to be there…I was originally able to schedule the shoot for this Saturday as I’m going to a concert/festival with people that day anyways. To go for what would be just an hour instead of an all day thing and have to travel all the way back home would be a pain. I offered him a make up date in September to reschedule to since I would be returning to his city for another concert, but he responded that he’ll be out of the country traveling for two months at that time. The date he offered me was Thursday of next week…which’s happens to be my only off day from work….I don’t know how I’m going to be able to head there and back while getting everything I need to at home done…but if I want these dating profile photos, then I’ll have to try. I’m also hoping the concert/festival I’m going too isn’t also canceled due to the weather….
On a more positive note, I officially bought my ticket for another speed dating event after having fun at the last one in July. My only worry is I noticed that some of the people who liked the advertisement post for it on Instagram were also at the event I went to for the first time last month….I hope it’s not a case where the same people show up every time as that would feel a little redundant. But you don’t know unless you try! I figure I’d give it a second chance before finally putting a profile together and getting back on the apps
Do some people go on dates and decide to just be the worst versions of themselves? I met up with a women last night and she greated me with a blunt hey, no smile, and her arms crossed. She then proceeded to give only short answers and didn’t really ask me anything. Do better people.
Is it the norm now to talk about sex and even to phone sex before even meeting?!? I’ve matched with 3 men who we’ve gone to messaging, phone calls, date/plan for dates. I get sex and compatibility is important but I get surprised how soon it’s always brought up. Yes, I reciprocate and start talking about it too, but I don’t initiate it.
Kinda tired today, tbh. I deleted the two apps I had (Bumble and Hinge) because it was just discouraging. I matched with one girl on bumble but she stopped talking, and then the people I matched with on Hinge never responded to my opening message. I kinda hate how superficial things seem in this world. I feel like my job plays a role in that? It’s like “if I made a little more money…” despite it being stable and good overall. I also seem to have difficulties finding people with similar interests, or others who are also neurodivergent like me.
Thankfully I’m going away on vacation next week so I’m gonna just rest and have a good time then come back with a clean head. Gonna focus on taking care of my goals instead and give the apps a break. 😌
I’m so sick of guys asking me out but not having a plan and then putting it on me to find a place. I’ve taken to just unmatching. When I ask my friends to hang out I ask them to do a thing at a specific date and time. If a date can’t do that we aren’t even compatible as friends.
I saw lack-of-emotional-connection FWB guy a couple days after he got back from vacation. He got me a little gift, which was a pleasant surprise! We had a really fun evening. I spent the night and a good chunk of the next day with him, and then he told me he wants to see me again this weekend.
It feels like we’re in a weird limbo right now. We both agreed to end the relationship pursuit due to some potential incompatibilities before he left for vacation (have the full history in previous comments), though he said he needs to process “what to do” more. He obviously enjoys my company a lot even outside the intimacy, and some of the intimacy we’ve been sharing has been really loving – I’m not reading too much into it given our last discussion, but this is just an objective observation. I think we’re due for another talk soon on the state of things. I also need to set expectations for when we stop the benefits. If I’m being totally honest with myself, even though I don’t feel a romantic pull towards him, I’d be down to try being exclusive to see if anything develops because we’re just so comfortable around one another, it feels so easy to talk to him in person, and we have a lot of physical chemistry. I won’t be sad if he doesn’t feel the same way re: trying to be exclusive to see what happens. But… if stopping benefits means cutting contact altogether, that would admittedly disappoint me as I genuinely appreciate him as a human being and think we would have been great friends if we hadn’t met on OLD. I get the feeling he’ll still want to stay in touch, but this is all stuff I want to talk about with him later so we aren’t making assumptions.
I’ve been going on dates with other people too (while he hasn’t, though I believe he’s still swiping) and have a lot of people interested in talking to me. This made me realize I will probably be the one to end benefits first.
Thoughts welcome and greatly appreciated!!
I broke no contact with my ex yesterday. I was doing so well for over a month too! We were amicable but I sent the last text and he never texted back. Of course it’s reopening old wounds and im making things up in my head, like he’s probably already dating others, he’s mad at me for not wanting to be friends and for going no contact even though he’s the one that started the breakup process, he doesn’t care about me, he probably thinks im needy now or annoying for contacting him, etc. I was doing so well and not crying as much and now I’ve been crying off and on since yesterday. Even wanted to break down during a zoom meeting this morning.
Best i could do is forgive myself for the error and the last hope I had of a possible talk. I need to be kinder to myself in general and accept that it’s over. I knew from a couple months in that we wouldn’t work but he was so sweet and treated me so well and never left me guessing. At the same time he was talking to others while we were in the dating phase. He was acting like my bf and prioritized me and spent time with me during hilolidays and introduced me to his best friend and yet didn’t make it official until 7 months in.
He said that he just wanted to keep it casual at first because of our different views but eventually asked me to be gf because he loved me. I told him that ive always felt like i was on reserve for him. I thought he wasnt talking to other girls but i figured he was but ignored it because we technically werent official. He said he wouldnt have minded if i was talking other guys while we were just dating. I’ve learned that I need to speak up and to have those hard conversations but i feel like i have a physical and mental block. The words cannot come out of my mouth. When i do, its usually due to liquid courage and then i get emotional and that is no way to have a serious conversation. Im in therapy and trying to be better.
I decided to ignore and suppress what my brain was saying and I felt guilty for dating someone that had his views. I’ve said this before that people are so good at presenting themselves as nonpolitical or moderate but little by little it’s completely different views. I’ve always put my specific views on my profile. Do guys think that we don’t take this seriously? They hide what they know we’d end things for until we are in love and try to hope they’ll change their views or maybe if I tell them all these facts, statistics, studies, or show them documentaries they can change? He would get annoyed with me because I would try to correct him and I felt like I was one of those “Achshually ☝️” people. We would argue but you can’t teach a privileged person about empathy and to find the humanity in people until it affects them directly. Some people use “logic” to excuse the selfishness of the world. I told myself I can’t change him but deep down I hoped I could.
Now I’m paying for my mistakes. I was very close to breaking up with him like 4 times but couldn’t do it. He had the strength for the both of us to do it and he still wanted to be friends because we became best friends too almost immediately after meeting. I closed that avenue too by going no contact and now I confused the both of us by texting him.
Anyway, thank you to anyone who tool the time to read. I feel like my posts from the last few weeks have been about this situation and I’m even getting tired of myself.