Unless my wife is actively having an orgasm, she is completely silent during sex. No moaning. No heavy breathing, no telling me what feels good or to keep doing that. No casual "dirty talk", even saying things like fuck me harder. Thankfully she will at least tell me if I'm doing something she doesn't like.
It's just eyes closed, either laying on the bed or grinding on top of me until she cums.
I've tried to talk about how this bothers me because I'm someone who's biggest turn on is loud sex. It doesn't matter how many times we talk about it, it doesn't get better and it seems to just hurt her feelings becuase it makes her feel like I'm not enjoying the sex we have.
Which at times, is true. Ill be on top of her wondering if she's even enjoying what is happening.
Any advice?
26 comments
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You asking her to be loud is the same as her asking you to enjoy her being silent instead of loud. It’s the exact same thing. You’re asking someone to behave in a way that is unnatural to them.
One of many reasons I would never advocate for waiting until marriage to have sex. Compatibility is important.
There is likely no magic fix to this. You two are on severe opposite sides of the fence. I can tell you, the likelihood of her becoming loud, dirty talking….etc is very low. So if that’s the only thing that’s going to help you, prepare for disappointment. If you could do with her opening up, a LITTLE there might be room there. But only if she wants to. Sounds like she’s either shy, or very embarrassed/guilty about sex. Getting out of that shell would require desire on her part, and very slow and supportive patience on your part.
“Unless my wife is actively having an orgasm, she is completely silent during sex.”
“I’ve tried to talk about how this bothers me because I’m someone who’s biggest turn on is loud sex.”
“It doesn’t matter how many times we talk about it, it doesn’t get better and it seems to just hurt her feelings…”
There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships.
We either get what we want, or we learn to be happy with what we have.
The only person you can control is yourself. All you can do is *ask her* for whatever you want.
If someone believes *you* are worth the effort, *they* will make the effort.
In an ideal scenario you two would have had (premarital sex) several times *before* you decided to propose marriage. Therefore, you would have known what sex with her was like beforehand. You felt she’s “the one”.
When choosing a mate, the goal is to find someone *who already is* what you want in a partner.
Expecting someone to *become who they are not* just leads to frustration on your part and resentment on their part. Most people want to be loved and accepted for who they are.
(If this issue *is* a “deal breaker” for you, *get out*. If it isn’t, learn to live without.)
No one is “stuck” with anyone. Suffering is optional.
***”Infatuation is when you find somebody who is absolutely perfect. Love is when you realize that they aren’t, and it doesn’t matter.”*** – Unknown
***”Love what you have before life teaches you to love what you lost.”*** -Unknown
***”The grass is always greener on the side you water.”*** – Neil Barringham
***”Happiness isn’t getting what you want, it’s wanting what you got.”*** – Garth Brooks
Best wishes!
Some people simply prefer silence and focus to climb that peak and the slightest distractions can send them back to the bottom and starting the trek all over again. If she’s orgasming then she’s having fun and that’s a good thing. Maybe incorporating some dirty talk after she has had an orgasm? But if she’s not into vocalisation you can’t really force it. I see no qualms with doing things for an SO if it pleases them and doesn’t put me out in some uncomfortable way. Good relationships include doing things to please each other, if someone doesn’t enjoy pleasing their partner then maybe the relationship is incompatible. Good relationships feed each other and an eagerness to please each other is a spinning wheel of mounting pleasure.
Do something to make her want to be loud…. I say sarcastically but with some seriousness. Are you the one always initiating? Have you tried talking to her about her turn on and offs? I feel like with the right questions and conversations you both could get to the bottom of this. I will only make noise if there is a good reason, that is
Me though..
I believe that you shouldn’t talk about what “bothers” you, but instead, what would turn you on more. People tend to respond more favorably to positives than negatives.
Some people do not want to be heard having sex. So they stay quiet if there’s any possibility someone might hear. And that can become a habit.
We kept sex silent for many years but when the kids flew the coop we discovered the joy of being loud. I hope you and your wife make the same discovery.
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Sounds like it may be less of a “I want loud sex” and more of a “I want some feedback to know what/if something is feeling good”.
If this is more so you just needing feedback in order to help you engage more fully, then instead of asking her to generally be more vocal, just ask more dorectly for what you need. Is she OK with you asking during sex “does this feel good”, “do you like this”, “want me to go faster, slower, harder?” Etc. Whatever information you’re wanting, ask it. If she’s not OK with that, you can tell her you need some kind of feedback during sex to help you be present, engage, enjoy yourself, whatever. And ask her for ideas on how she feels comfortable giving feedback. Even if it’s not feedback the way you prefer it, sometimes just knowing from a partner “when I’m silent, it’s because I’m focused on and liking the sensation” can he enough to start trusting silence as feedback.
If it’s just the silence that bothers you, can you play music?
Rooting for you guys 🫡
My wife says talking or making sounds while trying to get an organism is distracting to her. Who am I to say what should work for her. I’m just happy that she can get there!
Do you know she is enjoying it? Might be worth checking in on a higher level. Silent and eyes closed might just be her style but it could also be a sign she is struggling. Sounds like me and let me tell you I find sex with my husband emotionally upsetting. I’m just trying my best not to show that and it’s all I can do to be neutral. Eyes closed are a must. And yes you can have an orgasm even if you aren’t enjoying sex.
Dude. She may get distracted if she’s making noise and then you’d have an actress pretending to like it rather than your wife actually getting pleasure. What’s more important to you? Ask her if you can play porn in the background to hear moans.
OP – it’s not unreasonable to want your partner to offer useful feedback, nor it is unreasonable to ask a partner to indulge your preferences in sexual activity. And a good partner should be willing to compromise to some extent.
A little audio feedback isn’t that big a request, even if it means she takes longer to (or doesn’t) finish sometimes.
Is there anything you can compromise on for her enjoyment to make it more of a give and take?
I am not sure. I am dealing with this too. After I became single in Feb 2022 I have dated a lot. One girl I dated and slept with was so loud I thought the entire neighborhood was going to hear her. It was such a turn on. Other women have gotten into when I was eating them out.
My current GF is not into oral sex (giving or receiving) which is an issue in itself and hardly makes any noise during sex. She is very submissive. I often don’t know if she has orgasmed.
Is she vocal about what she wants when you’re not in the Act?
Like, can she open up about what she likes, what feels good or what made her orgasm post-sex?
I think if she can tell you that much, you can focus on doing that… that way, even if she’s silent, you know that she’s enjoying it.
It is strange to have sex in silence… I’d fear the person isn’t enjoying it (because normally, people are vocal about pain, pleasure- imagine you hit your toe on a door corner, you’d definitely make a sound) or worse, that they feel forced and are disgusted by it.
However, since she’s orgasming, that’s definitely not the case.
Maybe you can also try to find out if there’s anything in her past that she might have experienced, or some cultural or religious belief around sex that may make her want to suppress her voice (assuming she’s not doing it to focus on getting an orgasm)
Sounds can be a huge turn-on, yes, but when you’re the one primarily producing them, and for that particular purpose, it can make sex feel performative and that pressure can easily distract you from focusing on what you’re actually feeling… and what’s building up inside you
Same thing happened to me with a ex. It’s so weird. Even when kissing no expression of emotion of enjoyment. I had to move on lol
Incorporate talking into your foreplay. Shes focusing on the physical sensations of sex. Try helping her focus on the fantasy and overall experience of sex, and see if she likes it. Maybe some role play or sexy banter. Make foreplay interactive, do some verbal play and be a bit dominant with it, not too much if shes not into that. But basic sexy commands like “look at me beautiful” followed by eye contact goes a long way. You probably should just start leading, and you are going to need to be more vocal, almost like you’re narrating/directing the sexual experience but in a sensual and loving way. Verbalize what you find sexy about her, give her compliments, tell her when something feels good, tell what you’re about to do and how much you enjoy it. Even ask her questions at the beginning in a sexy way. “Does this feel good? Tell me, i want to hear you say it.” If you can get her to start giving basic responses and start vocalizing in small ways, it’ll feel more natural for her to express herself even more later.
Because right now the thought of vocalizing anything during sex seems very unnatural to her. Its something she has to put a lot of mental effort into doing, that distracts her from being able to finish. But if she starts feeling comfortable with small sexy responses, eventually certain phrases will just flow naturally and wont pull her out of the moment the way they would now. Almost like how mantras dont pull you out of meditation but actually help calm your mind. Most moaning is basically just sexual mantras that people get used to using. But that takes time to get used to doing and encouragement and open communication and reciprocation.
Also chances are its not just her that’s silent during sex. You expect her to talk and moan and be vocal while you’re dead silent and dont communicate very much during the act either. With certain girls, you gotta break the awkward silence yourself first and help them feel okay about making noise and help them get out of their heads a bit and centered into the intimacy of the moment.
And dont expect that this is how sex should always be. Allow her to enjoy sex the ways she wants. Don’t make demands that she can never be silent and sex has to change forever. Trade off every now and then, and sometimes do a vocal night for you. Make certain nights special, where you both try verbal play together, but communicate openly with her… before, during, and after to see how she feels about it. She may actually really like it and just hasnt had a safe space to explore the idea of expressing herself so openly and being vocal during sex before. But she may also not like it at all. There’s no way to predict that. But open communication is the only way to try to bridge this intimacy barrier you have.
Tomb-silent sex is a little creepy to me, unless you’re trying not to be overheard, in which case it’s hot. People are different though. Unfortunately there doesn’t seem like there’s much to build on with your wife’s responses. At least you can keep expressing yourself verbally. I vote for playing music or porn to make it not feel so funereal when you’re with her.
Sometimes we don’t want to perform, we just want to enjoy.
Did you discuss this prior to getting married? If so, what was the result at that time?
Sometimes i wish the woman i’m with is silent as their cries of pleasure drives me to lose control.
I was sexually assaulted as a kid and I can’t for the life of me be vocal. I attribute it to that.
Dude its marital sex not a fake porno yes some women are naturaly vocal but more are not. Yes some know the sounds turn men on and even do it but a real natural mone is all that often happens. Do you really want her acting for you? seems a little selfish if you ask me. By the way keep pestering her and bring it up and you know what she might do it and then focus so much on the acting and ruin sex for herself then guess what you wont even get silent sex. Turn off the porn and enjoy real sex!
You can’t force people to be the loudness you want. That’s very selfish. Everyone is different, you need to accept her and stop being a dick. I am very quiet, I am not gonna force myself to make noises, it’s natural to be loud or quiet.
Do you want her to fake moan? Some people are quiet during sex, that’s as normal as people who make noise during sex. But would you enjoy her making fake noises to appease you? If you both enjoy the sex you have, shouldn’t that be enough?
This is your wife, didn’t you know this before you got married? What’s the difference if she’s moaning like a crazy porn star or not. She’s having orgasms and that is the most important part of it. After all this time, it’s really going to be hard for her to learn how to moan during sex. She trained herself not to moan loudly.