This is such a long story.
Basically, I’m (25F) in an open relationship & last night I invited over a guy I met on a dating app literally two days ago.
The relationship I’m in is lacking affection on my partner’s part (27M) he doesn’t act interested in me hardly at all. I feel extremely neglected by him. He’s a good guy but his communication isn’t the best, he can’t express his emotions and he acts like I’m so clingy and needy for wanting physical touch and sex. I have an extremely high sex drive as well, and his is the exact opposite.
Anyways, my partner said he was alright with me inviting someone over while he was gone in a business trip last night, so I did.
I almost felt an immediate connection with the way we were vibing back and forth. We watched movies, smoked & shared interests until things picked up a little.
I sat with him on the couch & we cuddled, held hands and had some heavy makeout sessions.
We hooked up multiple times.
Also big TMI but I’m also on my period and he did not care at all.
Like, I’ve never had period sex with my partner of 6 years. I’ve NEVER felt the way this guy made me feel last night.
It was intimate, gentle and I really felt like he cared. He kept asking if I was okay & making sure I was comfortable. I caught him staring at me constantly, he was very touchy, tracing my fingers and arms and giving me compliments.
This is a complete stranger, mind you.
So then he left after about midnight and he kissed me goodbye and texted me when he made it home. We texted back and forth a little bit this morning, and then he left me on read.
So I guess my question is, are y’all able to just have passionate sex with strangers and not feel anything for them? Like, is that normal for hookup culture? I’ve really never hooked up before. I don’t know if I’m delusional or what but I felt such a connection and I’m so curious as to if he did too, I’m just scared to ask… it’s actually killing me.
I’m so confused right now.
I crave a gentle love so much.
Please, any advice is welcome.
I was just expecting any of this to happen.
39 comments
Sounds like you know what you want…maybe give guy number 2 a chance and forget the first.
The hookup was the easy part. Living together is the hard part. U seem to already have doubts with your original partner. This is interesting as both of u are in an open rship (or did u just allow ur partner to be open?). Physical intimacy can easily lead to emotional intimacy. And it seems like u all falling for the new guy. Hardest part is, next time u are intimate with your original partner, u will be thinking of him.
Either cut it off immediately, or see how the fire bursts into flames.
Don’t stay in deadbedroom , it’s going to be worse.
I’m not the most experienced guy, but I recently hooked up with a friend for the first time and it was fantastic. There was definite sexual chemistry, but also a lot of mutual communication, and affection shown. She said a lot of really sweet things that built my confidence, and I let her know how much I appreciated it. Idk if it’s “typical” for hookup culture, but I can say that in my case, it seems like these types of deeper experiences can definitely happen with a friend with benefits. I think it’s up to the individuals in question about what they want the “tone” of the interaction to be. If you enjoyed the experience with this guy, I would definitely let him know, and make sure he knows you are down for it again (if that’s the case). It sounds like you and this guy might really have something special. I wouldn’t let that get away. Good luck!!!
I had period sex with a supposedly casual hookup that felt more intense than normal like this. It’s especially vulnerable to share that with someone else.
sounds great just don’t get ahead of yourself would be my two cents some guys are hella charming out the gate doesn’t mean they want more than a fling. might be might not be
I think this (hookup) is a great guy who knows how to treat a woman to make her feel wanted and attractive. HOWEVER, like someone else mentioned this could just be their hookup behavior. As a male I also tend to treat my hookups the same way as he did to make them feel wanted and appreciated and remind them of how attractive they are. Now obviously there has to be some kind of connection for it to even get to that point and the connection is the most important part. I wouldn’t be in the same room with you having those conversations if I didn’t feel as if there was a spark.
He saw it, he knows how to treat a woman, and he is interested. Now given that you’re in an open relationship you have to take the reins and decide what YOU want to do. Would staying with your current partner provide you what you’re looking for? Would new guy? Would new guy also be open to something ongoing while you’re in this open relationship? Idk a lot of questions to be answered, some of which you’re only going to have the answer to.
That level of intimacy in a hookup is awesome… but this feels like a direct betrayal of opening up a relationship. Usually a couple only has a relationship open if they are secure not so the other can job search while employed (so to speak). Your relationship might have some issues if you are seeking advice from people online before talking to your partner.
I (m) really enjoy passionate hookups yes it’s definitely possible. I ask a similar question from my prospective here not long ago and most people said it’s not normal but did have a few people say they would enjoy it.
Usually when you’re only hooking up, you try to hide your emotions. Sometimes though, you do find that person that changes your world. Maybe this is your calling and it’s time to move on from your affection-less relationship?
is no one else gonna point out that OP seems to be bordering on heavily emotionally cheating? Does your partner of 6 years know these feelings? Know the feelings you are starting to have about this person? And if so what are their feelings towards that?
If you have an extremely high sex drive you’ve never hooked up before is there a reason you felt more comfortable doing so now? How did this open relationship arrangement start and are there boundaries you both clearly discussed? There’s too much ambiguity and it sounds like a recipe for hurt feelings along with your relationship potentially ending.
I get if you’re a person who has strong ties emotionally to sex but are you clear on what you’re feeling for this new guy before asking what he may be feeling for you? And what are you hoping happens? Suppose he does have feelings for you, would you want to explore those feelings or just let them linger in the air pretending they don’t exist while you both still have sex and for you they get stronger? What else do you genuinely know about this guy?
There’s too many unknowns, and lack of clarity isn’t great for a situation this delicate. (you even said “yeah maybe” to a person telling you to forget “the first”…which is supposed to be your partner of 6 years. Is that all they mean to you? Do you still love them even?)
Please leave guy number 1 whether or not there a a guy number 2 in picture. I am older to you by a decade and can attest you deserve much better than guy number 1. Also 99.99% sure he is ok with you to hookup because he already is doing the same. How do you feel about that ?
Hmm I would tend to think that this guy knows well how to pamper a girl in bed because I also had a wonderful night with a guy who knew how to caress girls. He was actually the only one who would kiss every inch of my body and in a very soft manner, and kept asking about my wishes. After that, I gave him a warm hug and parted. Never saw him again, but that remains one of my best memories.
Now I am casually dating someone and we meet almost every week. The dates were fun, but he just didn’t touch and kiss much when we were in bed…
But I think I’d probably do the same if I were you, like waiting for a few days instead of double texting straightaway… just to give it another try. Sometimes it’s good to give people space and time, letting them miss you (if that turns out to be something more regular)
It depends. I’ve had hookups like you’re talking about but it’s not common
Why are you even with your current red flag?
Let’s make sure it is real first. It is easy to be infatuated for a weekend.
I hope it is. If so, yea, forget about guy#1. You found the type of love you want.
Good luck
You are in a bad relationship and you saw what a decent one would feel like, which made you want more. It’s really as simple as that.
I’d argue that your current relationship is open because you’re not happy, he’s not the one by any stretch, and this was one way to keep the door open. I don’t think you cheated in any way because your bf consented to your inviting New Guy over.
I also believe that “chemistry” is some sort of special cosmic energy. We as humans click with people and we don’t, almost immediately attracted or repulsed. Like magnets. (Or gravity even as the movie “Interstellar” would argue.) Sometimes, even more rarely, that attraction is more powerful and deep. Like the Universe telling us in our bones that we’ve met someone special. It’s rare, doesn’t happen very often, and is something to recognize as it occurs, and cherish.
I say follow your heart but also learn when to embrace, stay, and consider closing the door to polyamory.
It’s easy to feel that way about the first time you hook up with someone and everything is exciting.
Try living with them or dating them long term. Would he still make you feel that way after a year?
Be careful. I am someone who is very sensual. All of my hookup buddies fall hard for me, but I just don’t have the sane feelings. Make sure they know what they’re getting themselves into.
Aside from the period sex this is how I am with everyone. I’m new to being single and I’ve been wondering to myself if this too much, but it feels right so 🤷
Welcome to NRE. Your feelings are extremely common in nonmon.
But yeah… idk what y’all expected when opening a relationship with serious existing flaws. It doesn’t fix them. It just makes them more apparent.
I had a similar experience in my first nonmon relationship (mono -> open). I was in a REALLY horribly toxic situation. After opening, though, I found that even the most obnoxious “treat-me-like-a-toy-then-leave” partners treated be better than my then-boyfriend.
I was still dumb enough to stay for a few more months, but eventually I realized I just deserved better. Not hotter, not more romantic, not better at sex, just better at caring about my well-being and consent DURING sex. A month later I got invited to my first sex party (where, again, everyone treated me super kindly), and then a week after I met my current S/O (dating 5 years now, open from the start) who is amazing.
Sometimes I thank nonmonogamy for opening my eyes to the fact that there were indeed better partners out there! Sometimes I think about where I’d be had I moved in with the dude I was dating in high school, and I shudder.
Some guys are like this. I did some hooking up for a couple of years and there were some guys who’d give off very sensual/romantic vibes. Like lots of eye contact, making sure I was comfortable, touching me gently, being vocal and appreciative.
When you’re touch starved and your emotional needs aren’t being met, you can latch on to any small kindness shown by a stranger. The sex hormones that release after good sex can really alter your feelings for someone just because you’ve been craving something like that for so long. It usually doesn’t mean that that person is special somehow, they just happened to be there when you needed intimacy.
It’s uncommon, but some guys understand that in “friends with benefits”, the “benefits” part can definitely include gentle touch. And it’s possible and even fun to give that touch without being, like, deeply in love and soul mates. Which doesn’t mean such men feel zero either. It’s possible to feel a general like and good vibe with someone, not feeling deeply in love but not feeling zero either.
My advice would to say something like “You touch very good, I liked it and would absolutely go for some more if you’re into it.” Like showing you can enjoy it as is while leaving a bit of breathing room too. Saying what you like and saying you’d do more of, and asking him what he’d like. Basically communicating and being a bit zen, seeing where it goes.
I’ve had a similar experience. I was just out of a serious relationship and I wasn’t sure about hooking up with a guy I just met. But he made me feel very comfortable, and from the get go was very respectful and passionate. He showered me with compliments and was always touching me. We had a lot of sex and cuddled the whole night.
After the interaction I couldn’t get him out of my head. We decided to meet up again and this time he was a lot less caring. There was no foreplay and he wasn’t very gentle. It felt like being with a totally different person.
I don’t really know if this is a hookup culture thing or the guy was just pretending the first time to get me comfortable enough to continue the hookup. It’s kinda sad.
I’d say don’t fall for the hot and cold act. But also your partner seems to not understand and meet your needs. Maybe get rid of him as well.
its not about what is normal, it just sounds like you met an empath with nice romance skills
We fall in love with people we don’t know until we know them. Any new person you hookup with seems interesting in the beginning as you still don’t know them and there is so much to talk about and discover about them. But the real connection (if exists) will show up when you run out of things to talk about.
Yeah he might just be a nice guy who wants to make sure you feel safe during sex which is important but doesn’t necessarily mean he’s in love with you or anything. Likely if you hooked up on a first date encounter he’s more likely than not in it for the fling but who knows! Things change!
This is textbook lust on both ends honeymoon period always feels this good in the beginning..
No need to be scared. If you are curious if he felt the connection too, just ask him.
There is nothing to lose.
Your partner sounds more like an annoying room mate
You’re just used to bad and you had someone be different so now you’re over the top about it. I’m the same with all my partners especially the first few times. Sometimes it lasts and it’ll continue, sometimes I’ll be done and move on. In either case they’ll know if it’s something or not.
All the dudes who one night stand like that be hella silent in this thread!!!!
Yeah. It’s all good in the beginning.
What’s the dating app you hooked up with him?
Don’t get your hopes up, when I was in my early 20’s tinder had just come out and I got into a real big hoe phase. I slept around a bunch but I would still treat every hookup the same way I would treat someone I was romantically interested in because they were still people who deserved respect. I would take my time, court them, not rush into the main event, and always make sure their needs were met as well.
Just because he treated you right does not mean he wants anything more than a hookup, and assuming otherwise will just lead to hurt feelings. I was always very explicit that I was in an open relationship myself and only interested in No strings attached fun with the possibility of a continued platonic friendship but that didn’t stop people from getting the wrong idea when I showed them basic human decency and a level of affection.
It actually made me kinda sad because it felt like a lot of these women were so starved for being treated kindly that someone showing them that level of care made them immediately catch feelings and try to pursue something more.
ANYWAY, I want to add one more thing from my own previous experience. DO NOT stay in a dead bedroom relationship, I mentioned previously that I was in an open relationship and much like you it was because of a dead bedroom. I’m going to be blunt because there’s no easy way to say it, over the course of our four year relationship my ex gained significant weight. I’m not talking about an extra 20/30 pounds, she put on between 100-150 lbs and had no intention of losing it because she was very into body positivity. I accepted that because I still very much loved and cared for her, but unfortunately I cannot control what I find attractive.
We tried an open relationship to try and keep things going because we both had physical needs but didn’t want to end things since we were perfect together in every other way. The open relationship worked for about another year and a half before I broke things off, I was utilizing the “free pass” far more often than she was and it made me feel guilty but at the same time I realized I couldn’t go back to having sex so rarely. Save yourself the heartbreak, rip that bandage off
He sounds like a nice guy. Charming, and by the sounds of things he hasn’t said anything to lead you on.
so hienst question from someone who is not in a open relationship. I thought open relationship was mostly based in being free to have sex outside of the relation but not actually “shopping around” while committed. I feel like guy 1 should be let go as you obviously do not like him anymore. are you even in a relationship or are you just keeping him as a backup?
The grass isnt always greener on the other side.
I don’t know how your relationship was at the start.
But its really common relationships being like you described (how it was with the hook up) at the start and with time they start losing that feeling.
Try to remember if you feel something alike with your partner at the beginning of your relationship.
Right now, you’re in a relationship that doesnt satisfy your needs. It’s ok to finish that relationship with this motive alone. You can talk with your partner and try to fix (in casw you didnt already) or break up.
The only thing that I advice is, do not break up thinking that this hook up will be like this in a relationship, it may be or it may not. People in the beginning always feel more, and I dont think its a good idea making a lifetime decision based on how someone made you feel in one night.
The foundation of a relationship is far more than that, in case your partner doesnt want to fix your relationship you should break up and take your time finding someone that you can share life and relationship values with. Its not about everything being good all the time but how people deal with things not being good.