For some background information, I was raped when I was 9. I told my parents that I was "assaulted" when I was 14, but it took me ten years to tell them I was actually raped. It was not vaginal…
I didn't really have much sexual feelings until I was 18. I struggled a lot with my sexuality, I would rarely masterbait before 18, so I kept having uncomfortable wet dreams because my body was so sexually frustrated. I can't touch my own clit for pleasure either, I get turned off.
My ex helped me through a lot of my trauma but we never met in real life at the end since we were just teenagers (I was 18-19) and we live 9,000 miles apart (not an exaggeration). I bought my vibrator when I was with him, I finally had proper orgasms. I also had vaginismus (not bc of bv) so everytime I was turned on my muscles tightened up so much it would hurt, but with his help I started using dilators and l've basically gotten rid of that problem, like 80%.
I lost my virginity to my current boyfriend very very recently, we had sex three times in the span of like a week, each one was better but I never felt like getting an orgasm would be possible. I would get extremely turned on before we decided that we were gonna have sex, we the decision was made, suddenly when he did the same things I wouldn't feel turned on anymore. And during sex I feel very good, but I don't feel what l'd feel with my vibrator, it's just sometimes I feel what I would feel. It's weird because I'm really attracted to him, he listens to me. And I genuinely feel good with him, just I don’t feel sexual pleasure when we’re having sex, I feel intimacy and closeness and some things I don’t know the name of, but it’s not like orgasmic pleasure.
I thought maybe he doesn't know how to make me feel good, so l brought my vibrator so l can have it on my clit while he thrusts, but to my shock I felt absolutely nothing when I put my vibrator on me.
Absolutely nothing. And you might think maybe I wasn't turned on, but I was, I was very very wet. And I'm not reserved when it comes to sexual topics, I can talk very openly and I enjoy giving head and I'm very good at it (according to him) l've received a facial, we've tried doggy (I didn't like it because I find queefs ridiculous, although it did feel very good for me).
Anyway I don't know what's happening or how to fix it. Going to therapy won't really work because I have no idea what I would even talk about. I mean I have literally nothing to say about what happened to me when I was 9. That chapter is closed and I'm very indifferent about it. I don't even remember what happened, I remember right before and right after what happened.
Please, any help will be much appreciated. Any books, resources, anything that can help. Thank you in advance.