Person A(27F) is one of the three best friends I have had for almost a decade now. After graduation, Person A had moved to a different country.
To give you some background, in our culture where we grew up, it is considered rude to ask for gifts or talk/compare about prices when it comes to gift-giving. So the other three of us never asked any of our guests to gift anything when we had our weddings.
And when Person A told us she was having her wedding in this country she moved to, me and the other two friends(all of us 27F) decided we would save up and attend it. Person A couldn't make it to our weddings when each of us got married and she always talks about feeling left out because she's abroad so we thought this would make her really happy. And she was when we told her we'd make it.
But a few days ago, Person A told one of the other two friends(Person B) that her wedding will have a requirement on wedding gift because according to her wedding planner, the culture there is for the guests to pay half of the expenses. And the amount for each guest is worth a month rent in the country we're living now. Person A then mentioned Person B should not take her husband as her plus one if they couldn't afford to pay the amount for two. Which would be two months worth of rent if we attended with our husbands.
So when Person A said this to Person B, I felt like it was quite inconsiderate. Money is one thing. But having the heart to say that when she obviously seems to know the amount was way higher for us..it just shocked me.
We had been saving up for the trip so we could show up and celebrate together after a long time and of course, we already had in mind to give the wedding gift the most of what we could afford because we knew weddings there can be a lot more expensive.
But now it's way over our planned budget, and none of us want to leave our husbands out like she suggested just for the sake of affording the gift. Our husbands are showing their support and have been helping us with this trip plan because they know how much it means to us. And to leave them out just so we could afford half didn't feel right to us. But if none of us showed up, I feel like we would end up hurting Person A's feelings because I still remember how she lights up when we said we'd be there.
At the same time, I honestly feel like a pressure had been put on all of us financially and our friendship was put to a test. The other two friends are feeling really awkward to even go now even though we all still want the best for her big day. And I would really appreciate some advice on what I should do..
And am I wrong to feel uneasy that she's making us follow this rule even though most of the people attending, bride and groom themselves are not familiar with this culture until the wedding planner brought this up?
46 comments
Both of you should pull out of the wedding. “We wanted to support you but your requirements are too much. It isn’t going to work for us. Thank you for understanding.”
Be honest with your friend and tell her that the cost exceeds your budget, so you are devastated but cannot attend. Bring up the fact that the cost is the same as a month’s rent.
Either she is a great friend and makes an exception, or she’s not as great of a friend that you think she is.
You’re paying to go to the wedding. In another country. That is in fact your gift.
Wow…..I can believe this girl !
Personally , I would decline the invitation. When she asks why , either tell her politely that it is out of your budget or you can tell her she’s a selfish , entitled brat .( I would go with option 2 😉)
Use the money you’ve saved for a nice holiday with the 4 of you.
This would be the time to decline the invitation.
If you’re paying half the cost of the event, you aren’t a _guest,_ you’re a co-host. Second, if she gets to dictate the terms of the donation, it isn’t a gift. I’ve never heard of the requirement of giving anything of that magnitude as a wedding gift, but I wouldn’t go there.
She didn’t come to your weddings and now she’s wanting you all to help pay for hers. She’s not a friend. I suggest you all skip the wedding and take a trip somewhere else together.
I wouldn’t go. That’s just plain rude.
How very sad that she would rather do a gift grab than have her treasured friends there.
She knows your financial circumstances, as she came from your country. You, all (including your spouses) were making a special effort to afford attending her wedding. So sad she apparently doesn’t recognize your efforts.
As to what to say:
“Circumstances have changed, due to your gifting requirements, which as you well know having lived here, are unattainable for us. We had thought saving to attend might be appreciated but obviously not. As such, we will not be attending your wedding. Hope you have a beautiful day and happy life”.
Attended a destination wedding for immediate family, no gift was given or requested or expected as the flight costs and accommodation far exceeded the usual wedding gift budget amount.
I would seriously question the friend and the friendship. Just not respectful or viable, as it feels exploitative.
Oh hell no.
I’d be declining to attend.
NTA. Just tell your friend you’ll the spend the same amount on her wedding that she spent on yours.
A person cannot put requirements on a gift. That’s no longer a gift. Furthermore, if you are traveling for this wedding, your presence is their gift. Show up, sans material shit, have a good time, and consider ending this friendship later. Or decline attending now. Either way, sorry – the friendship isn’t looking like it’s going to last much longer.
You should tell her you won’t be attending.
I don’t think a real friend would ask this of you. So I don’t think you should worry about it at all.
“I’m sorry, we won’t be able to make it after all. I hope you have a lovely wedding.”
That’s it. If you want to keep the friendship (although I can’t imagine why), then send them a modest gift.
Sorry I’d be noping out of there. Tell her you can’t afford it. I mean going abroad is expensive. And then saying you have to pay for the wedding no. Or you just go and ignore the wedding planner what are they going to do kick you out of the wedding if you don’t hand them a check or send the money in advance? I mean how did they get you to pay that’s what I want to know. I’ll send it later and then never send it.
I mean what was her excuse for not coming to your wedding, probably money I bet.
That’s absolutely BS on her end. Don’t pay it and don’t go to the wedding if it’s a requirement. Sorry, that’s on them. Especially if everyone they’re inviting aren’t from that culture.
Just RSVP no and go on a trip with your husbands.
Do not go to the wedding. She didn’t go to yours. She certainly shouldn’t expect you to go to hers let alone pay a huge amount for a gift. Dump her as a “friend”.
A short while after I finished university, a friend and I went to another friend’s wedding in Europe (we were in North America). I took a small gift and we each put cheques in with the gift. A few weeks after, our newly married friend let us know how much she appreciated us traveling to be there with her and she knew it wasn’t cheap so she told us she would not be cashing our cheques. To me, that is what friendship is. Not how much money you can get out of someone.
If just being there isn’t enough for her, just don’t go. That isn’t a friendship worth paying such a steep price, especially since she wasn’t willing to pay for your wedding.
I wouldn’t go. It’s not worth putting your finances at risk for her to feel like a princess.
Also, just curious, even though she couldn’t go, did she get you gifts for your wedding?
When the hell did it become acceptable for people to *demand* others spend specific minimum sums of money on their wedding?!
If you want to give a gift, give a gift, of a value you can afford to give without causing yourself unnecessary hardship. Anything beyond that is just daft. And anyone *demanding* gifts of specific value from attendees is not a friend.
This is a money grab. You said yourself the people getting married are not from this culture anyway, nor are most of the guests. They just want someone to pay their wedding costs for them.
The simple fact of the matter is that you can’t go if you can’t afford it. It should be that simple, it’s unfortunate that she won’t let it be that simple.
Have you confirmed this is actually customary in her new country? I would bet it’s not. I would bet that someone is suggesting that in order to get away with something. Maybe it’s your friend and her partner, but maybe it’s also the wedding planner. After all, you look like a great wedding planner if you can convince the couple to offload half the costs onTo their guests. That really ups a budget quickly. You get a lot more flower arches weren’t the couple doubles their budget.
I just wouldn’t go, if it were me. I would send a gift that was a reasonable price and thoughtful, apologize for not making it, and stop worrying about it. That’s the way to do this politely by the books in most any culture. If you’re upset and want to push for more answers or push for a compromise, you can try to talk to her about this with a focus on looking out for her. Look up wedding etiquette and customs for her country and confirm this isn’t standard first, then send something with concern that the wedding planner may not have their best interest in mind. Have some references ready to point to, like etiquette books and websites related to that country, and speak with care about it. Keep the focus on the couple and their best interest. Point out that people may not speak up about being offended because of their own cultural norms and confusion about how other countries do things. You don’t want your good friend to look bad when it turns out that’s NOT how things are done as standard in that county.
I do want to be clear, too, that the *only* way this is an acceptable expectation for a wedding is if it is the defacto way to handle weddings. You can’t fall back on customs as an excuse if those customs have other (more affordable) options you’re choosing to ignore. But most everywhere I know, there are many different ways to get married, depending on the means and lifestyle of the people involved. What county doesn’t have its courthouse weddings, small backyard weddings, church weddings, and big extravagant affairs? Your friend can want to have the big fancy wedding they can’t afford, but she can’t also but upset with you all for not being able to make it happen for her. If she keeps pushing, you can point out that it feels like you’re being valued more for the potential financial contribution rather than your presence and love. Put the ball in her court to correct that idea if that’s not what’s going on.
I wouldn’t go.
Send a sorry we won’t be coming. We don’t have the budget for it and we aren’t comfortable leaving our husbands behind. Hope your wedding is perfect!
She can’t get mad. She didn’t go to any of yours due to budget.
Friends don’t let friends go bankrupt. Friends don’t require you to not be able to pay rent.
If she expects that, she is not your friend.
Don’t ever break the budget for a wedding. Especially someone elses. “I’m sorry, but our budget won’t allow for this expense now. We wish you a wonderful life.”
Be honest, tell her “we would have loved to attend, but we simply can’t afford that.”
I am very curious about what country has such a wedding”gift” custom. Is anyone else familiar with such a thing?
I would tell her what you plan to give as a gift, and tell her that the fact that it’s a destination wedding limits your budget.
I would also tell her that if she wants to disinvite you or your husband if you don’t contribute $X, then you will both skip the wedding and go on a vacation.
I would also tell her that the wedding planner is not the one who makes the rules, and it’s BS to be greedy and hide behind the wedding planner and a “custom” that apparently neither the bride or groom have as part of their culture.
I’d let your other friend know that you are setting a boundary, too.
So she couldn’t make it to any of your weddings, I’m assuming for financial reason, but expects you all to pay to come, and then an outrageous wedding gift on top of that? I think I’d politely decline for financial reasons, then use the money you’ve saved to go on a nice vacation with your other friends and your partners.
Easy. Don’t go. It’s too expensive. She sounds very entitled and demanding. And you can’t even take your partners? No thanks. I think you might need to realise that your “friend” has changed a lot and is not like you and the others that have stayed in your home country. Just send her a nice gift. From your post I get the feeling that if you DO go? You will be disappointed as your friend has changed and is no longer the person she was.
I would not go. She did not make the effort to attend your weddings? So why do you need to attend hers? She feels “left out”? Yep – you’ll get that if you move abroad & don’t go to your friends weddings! She sounds very entitled.
I wouldn’t go. It’s called a gift for a reason. There are no “rules” involved.
I wouldn’t go
Are you sure this is actually a cultural thing and not just her trying to scam you?
What country is this?
what a bunch of freeloaders, these weddings are getting out of hand.
Do you know how much my guests paid to attend my wedding? Nothing. We gave them a bottle of wine with our wedding date.
Pull out. Just say outright, I cannot afford this. I don’t have that money I’m so sorry. I understand it’s your culture but it prices me out of your big day. And just sad face. Maybe do it together with your friend.
What she is doing is beyond crass but you can’t say it. You were already making a huge effort. To try price you out and stop your partners coming.. gross behavior.
I’d really love to know what supposed country this is a custom in, because it sounds ridiculous and untrue. I know some people in the US want the gift price to cover your dinner plate, but even that isn’t widely adhered to or anything.
I honestly would pass on the wedding. She showed where her priorities lie with her statement and expectations. It would be different if she had phrased it as “can you believe this custom the wedding planner told me about, isn’t that crazy?!” But she asked y’all to leave behind your husbands so that you could afford more for her gift, that’s just not what a real friend does. I’m sorry you’re learning what type of friend she is this late in the friendship, but your other friends sound absolutely lovely. Sounds like y’all can support each other through this weird and disappointing time.
Op, I’m begging you to tell me the country moved to.
You should not have to buy her friendship! This is what it’s amounting to. Paying major bucks for the privilege to attend her wedding when you’re having to save to pay for travel there as well is absurd!
I’d love to know this “country” where it’s the norm to give so much money. I would send a card with your regrets she isn’t a real friend. She’s a gold digger/ opportunist.
She has a choice, you’re there with husbands and your attendance is the gift – or none of you are there. You want so much to celebrate but your budgets don’t stretch to her requirements. You are sad because you thought friends being there would outweigh the price of any gift you could give her. Also, if the groom didn’t know shove the wedding planner! She should talk to her husband and in-laws about what is really expected.
OP, she lights up every time she talks about her wedding because she’s realized she has been able to dupe 3 more people into paying her ‘shitty friend fee’ aka her wedding “gift” fee. Do not go to this wedding she is not your friend. You and your real friends and you’alls spouses should go on a trip and enjoy the fruits of your labor. Decline this not so best friend’s wedding.
I would be concerned about the wedding planner taking advantage of your friend tbh. If your friend is marrying someone from your same culture, this other rule wouldn’t apply, it’s just something that potentially happens in that country but has no bearing on them as a couple unless they wish to embrace it.
If he is from that country, it would be unusual for people from that country to demand you adhere to their wedding traditions if you are not native to the country – it’s more a matter of if you can, great, if you can’t, it doesn’t matter terribly. To insist would be where the rudeness comes in.
If it’s not going to give too much away, which continent is this wedding taking place?
I would be upfront with your friend…I wouldn’t so much wprry about her feelings considering she obviously doesn’t care about any of yours.
Thank you for the invitation. Your wedding sounds like it’ll be amazing. Unfortunately, hubs and I have a prior commitment (*with our rent*) that will prevent us from attending. Can’t wait to see the photos!
She sounds like a lousy friend who is very much about herself. She didn’t even come to your weddings. Did she send a gift? And then suddenly when you’re already making the effort of flying so many people out to the wedding and supporting her, she bills you? Tf. No. Don’t go! Let her be! This is so rude of her!
I think this wedding money grab is ridiculous. I never heard of that until recently. I would reconsider even going to the wedding. You shouldn’t go in debt just to attend a wedding. I’ve never heard of guests paying for half of the expenses before in my life. Your friend sounds very entitled and a true friend would not put you in the position she has.