First of all, I'm very sorry if this is going to be long. I'm using a throwaway cause bf knows my reddit.
I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (22M) for about 4 years now. We're both from NY, I was born and raised here while he moved here from a middle eastern country when he was 10 (this becomes important later on). However, I'm also from an ethnic family, from a similar culture to him – although I wasn't raised with any importance on culture.
So, when we first started dating, everything was good but he was very much against the idea that I would present myself as a feminist and said he would "convert" me from a feminist to someone who doesn't identify as that. That was fine because I have my own identity and I took it as a joke but he didn't give up telling me why it's wrong to be a feminist. It was pretty light hearted at first but somehow along the years, it got pretty severe. One time, around 1 year back, he told me that if I didn't denounce being a feminist right then and there that he would leave me so of course, to save my relationship, I did. It kinda broke my heart but I moved on from that.
A little while after that, we were having another argument on call. So in our cultures (mine not so much, but in his, this is more common) there are some men that marry 4 women at the same time and I absolutely consider that cheating. I'm very vocal about how against that I am and we were arguing over that. This was about 2 years back but I can't forget it. I said it's cheating – that's all I said and in return he called me an "ungrateful *ss wh0r3" which still hurts me so so bad to this day. He cursed at me some more and told me that if I didn't take back what I said that he would break up with me. I was in tears and I ended up doing what he asked.
There was also a time where he didn't let me speak to my best friend for 6 months and every time I think back to that time, I don't remember a second of it but I remember exactly how I felt. I panic every single time. I was so depressed and had absolutely no one to talk to.
There have been other times that we've had fights. So for example, he's not okay with me wearing leggings. I was going back to my home country 2 years back and it was the middle of August so my mom asked me to put leggings on. I did, and when he found out, he didn't speak to me for a week.
I also am in the same engineering team at college as his best friend so this one day he came to visit us both. The three of us were just hanging out and I was contributing to the conversation but after his friend left, he got insanely mad at me, telling me that if his friends are around, that I need to simply back and speak when spoken to, and that I embarrassed him in front of his friend by joking around. He once compared me to his friend's girlfriend, saying that she does all his assignments for him while he has to ask me to do his assignments (because he's on his engineering internship right now, so he asks me to do his work). The difference is, she's an English major and I'm an engineering major, so I tried to do his assignments but I was already so bombarded with my own.
Another time, he asked me to pick him up on a pretty cold day and I was on my way but I lost signal (so no data and no way to call him), took a wrong turn and my GPS stopped working. I was kinda lost and ended up being 40 minutes late (and I do have a habit of being late to places, so I kinda understand why he was so mad). When I got there he was very mad at me. He was in my car screaming at me while I cried, and I had to do everything I could to make him stay and not leave.
Fast forward to early July this year, he was going through my phone and saw that I texted my male cousins on insta as well as a 17 year old kid that's going to be coming to my college this year and asked to meet up because he wanted some guidance on the courses and getting around, to which I said sure. He blew up worse than I've ever seen and kicked me out of his car, telling me that he needs a break from me for a month. He would text me good morning and goodnight and that's about it but he still met me on the weekends for…well yk. He said he needed to think about what he wanted to do after what I'd just done.
Well, that brings us here. About 3 weeks ago, he met me and told me he thought about it but that I wouldn't like it. He said that if I want to stay with him, that I have to earn him back on the free market. So, if he likes someone, he's free to go after them and that he would evaluate me every quarter (so every school semester). He said that he would have my insta, but I wouldn't be able to have his just because of the condition of having to earn him back. His other requirements include me learning to cook, me being more disciplined (including me finishing a painting for him that I've been working on for 2 years, which I swear I'm trying but the art block is really getting to me), and me putting on a headscarf (which I never thought I would ever do at such a young age but I feel like I have to for him now). I just feel so hurt at this condition.
I admit, I'm not entirely innocent either. I became really depressed around July last year and started being very cold and distant with everyone in my life and he's still very hurt over that, so I get it. I'm just not sure if I'm the one at fault. While I was depressed, I would sit in my room for hours staring at my wall and because of that I wouldn't be able to reply to him which made him be hurt and mad, so I get it. I failed 3 classes as well, which is so weird for me because I've been an A student my entire life, but I am an engineering student and it's killing me.
I'm someone that grew up reading romance books and I always wanted a very romance book typa love and he's just been so dry with me ever since that day in July. He never says he loves me anymore. I get why, but it hurts. I know I screwed up but I can't figure out who's in the wrong. All my friends tell me I've been gaslit but I don't know. He's also very caring at times. He buys me chocolates and birthday presents and gives me encouragement when I need it. But sometimes I also need his words to know that š he comes from a broken home (parents fighting all the time) while I come from a very, very privileged background and he says that this is something that gets to my head, so I just don't know anymore. I don't know if I've been wrong this entire time or if I'm being gaslit. I genuinely don't know anymore and I've been crying every single night for 2 months now because I'm just so lost. I don't know who to tell, if I tell my family or friends it would be my perspective they'd be hearing, so of course they'd be on my side. What if my mind is screwing with me and I'm the one in the wrong. If I am, please tell me. I'm not even sure if I'm remembering or interpreting things right anymore. I don't know if my mind is screwing with me or not at this point. I just needed to get it off my chest.
TLDR; boyfriend told me I had to earn him back on the free market and it has hurt me so, so bad.
EDIT: I forgot to mention, one of his other conditions to me staying with him is learning his language which is turning out to be VERY difficult for me and I feel like my efforts just aren't appreciated š
EDIT 2: I should clarify, he does say that he would never be disloyal to me when it comes to multiple wives. We are able to put a condition forbidding that in the marriage contract and when I told him I would, he kinda flipped a bit and said I shouldn't need to do that if I trust him and that it's disrespectful. I talked to my parents about it who are absolutely in favor of me putting that clause in (my boyfriend wants to get engaged this year and I do too but I guess I'm not gonna receive the dreamy proposal I always dreamed of :/ he'll just come to ask my parents for my hand) and there's no way I would get married without it, but he said if I put it in, he'll put a clause saying I always have to wear a headscarf or else he'll divorce me. I don't get it, how can cheating be equivalent to having a headscarf on? He says that I'm a good girlfriend, but not wife material yet.
UPDATE: Thank you for all your comments, it really means a lot to me <3 a lot of people have been asking me how I'd react if my sister or friend said all this to me about their relationship and tbh I'd be furious but the only thing is, what if I keep remembering everything wrong and my own mind is screwing with me? What if I'm just victimizing myself without even knowing and making him out to be the bad guy? That's what I'm afraid of.