Yesterday my girlfriend of about 16 months (F20) and I (M21) talked about it we should consult each other and ask about the other persons feelings if we do something that might bother them.
My girlfriend has always, especially when I met her been her own person and pretty independent and me less so and have pretty much always cared lots about her opinion.
My girlfriend told me that needing to ask for someone’s feeling about doing something feels like asking permission and she doesn’t think that this is something she wants and that she is too afraid that if she asks for my opinion on something and I don’t like it, she is being controlled and can’t to it now.
In the past she’s often just done what she wanted. She’s always told me about her plans and what she was doing but always as a fact, more than something she wanted my input on.
This has often lead to me feeling uninvolved and sometimes lead to conflict as she did some things that bothered me without really seeming to worry or even think about my feelings.
For example when she met up with a male friend that she knew I was bothered by she basically just told me that she was going to do so and that I can’t really forbid her to and she hopes I’m okay this. I would have liked more communication as this approach lead to a lot of resentment in my end and I was bothered by this much more then I would have been if she asked me about my feelings and input before hand.
Maybe I’m also too controlling I really don’t know. I’ve just always asked my girlfriend if it’s okay for her when I did something, (like go to clubs and college parties) that I thought she might be bothered by. I just did it naturally and for me it’s more a sign of respect and to avoid unnecessary resentment and stress if you make sure you’re on the same page beforehand hand. And not just did something your partner might be greatly bothered by.
Maybe you can share your opinion on this topic and how you would handle this.
TL;DR: I would like to talk about and consult with my girlfriend before hand about things that might bother either one of us. She on the other hand things this is asking for permission and she doesn’t want to give me the right to forbid her to do something: