Firstly I didn't know how to put the title but here is the story. I have mainly been a heavy smoker for the past almost 2 years… I actually don't know how I'm still alive at this point. Did many types of drugs heavily because of the rush. It made me feel at ease and I didn't know that it was damaging me emotionally. I recently just got too scared to die and the drugs just gave me paranoia or a bad trip. What made me want to stop was my lungs felt dusty. But that is not the main reason. My Ex dumped me because I was too nonchalant and probably the relationship felt one sided(I didn't feel it that way because in my mind I wasn't cheating, we hanged out when needed and we actually did alot together). She said it felt like I didn't love her. Fast forward a month later after my exams I go to after exams party and party the night out(no females just dudes having fun). After a while I stopped and truthfully the withdrawals gave me sleepless nights for some weeks(I used this time to think hard about what actually went wrong in the relationship. I never felt like I was over it since I didn't feel like I was wrong). Of course I did other things some nights but at the back of my mind I still think about her. Before, I couldn't even cry or feel sad when someone told me a sad story, it was like I was a wall. I didn't notice this until I actually started to think about my actions. Plus I've never been associated with a successful relationship and never taught(parents have issues so for some reason I kinda feared relationships too). After a few weeks after withdrawals hit I started feeling depression everytime followed by outbursts of random feelings I couldn't even explain(mainly depression). It was like many people in one body but I still knew who I was among them. I felt like I could cry everytime I thought about how I didn't give back love to her the way I was supposed to(before I was a heavy drug user I showed love and everything). Even the day I got dumped I felt sad in the inside but I couldn't feel it to express it(hard to explain the feeling).
After I realised all these I just felt bad and guilty and to be for real if I was in her shoes I would have done the same. I would have left me and actually never even talked to myself. I know going back to her saying it's the drugs will sound dumb and it will be like an excuse and maybe even fuck it up even more. Trying to talk to her is damn sure ain't going to solve anything. Calling her I don't even know what I'd say. I don't even know where to start or how to do it. At the moment I'm still recovering emotionally and don't do drugs(I know they affect people differently). I tried to talk to her and told her that I know that she was carrying the whole relationship by herself and I apologized for the burden I gave her. Truthfully I'd still want to be with her since we dated for like 2 years and I am at the point where I don't think I can be romantic with someone else(everybody else seems weird). The drugs kinda switched me off in a way and I'm still trying to recover.
I wanted advice on what to do next. Probably this life without someone who you trust can hold you for the the rest of your life is more important than having money and I know in 3years time if I do what I'm doing right I'll have much more than needed for one person. Looking for someone at that time is hard since most may be actually looking for money and I just don't want that kind of person. She loved me even when I had nothing. I still smile when I think about her and truly I'm confused AF. Maybe someone has come by this situation or just knows how to deal with it could help. I don't know if I should come clean and tell her that drugs fucked me up and I could prove myself to be better than I was(sounds like a lame excuse). I talked to her but didn't talk about the drugs part, asked her if we can maybe start out as friends and I can show her that I really did change and now I'm more emotionally aware than before.
SORRY FOR THE LONG MESSAGE! It's longer to explain in detail than this but I just thought making it longer will bore people from reading. If you have read up to this point then thank you in advance for listening (or in this case reading and hope you understand)!